Is my fault he's going into care?

[Sayjustjackwithjazzhands]

Very long story but don't want to out myself so will try make it brief but understandable.

My nephew is 10 and is under the care of social workers. He is 'd'b's son and due to db having various personal problems we have not been in touch properly for a few years. My nephews mum has had lots of issues over the years but it came to light recently that she is not a stable mother and cannot be trusted to care for her son. I have seen my nephew a handful of times in the past few years due to the bad relationship between her and db. To prevent him being taken into care a few of her family members have been interviewed etc but are not deemed stable to take care of him full time. Db has refused to step up, been avoiding calls, breaking promises to attend meeting etc and being generally unreliable.

DM is understandably devastated and wants to put herself forward for full custody, however she has planned a once in a lifetime trip with her partner that will last at least 3 months. She has asked me to take responsibility for dn until her return. I thought about it for a while and although I haven't said officially said no, I think this will be my answer.

I live with dh approx 10 miles away and our 1yr old DS. It would mean effectively moving into dm's house for that length of time. Dm lives in a tiny 2 bed flat with my younger sisters so it would be cramped with us all there. My dh works local to our home so couldn't move in with us, let alone not having the space.

This is awful and I feel like its my fault dn will have to go into care. Dm is refusing to speak to me and says that I'm being selfish. I've tried telling her that its not me who has caused this and its at db that she needs to direct her anger not me but its falling on deaf ears.

Why doesn't she understand? Am I being selfish? Not sure what I'm asking but feels good to write it out.

I'm not in any way judging the OP, do read my posts.

And I have just said that they'd need more space to have this boy with the grandmother.
Just saying that between two actual adult women, they should be able to hold on for 3 months, without having to have in the house someone else living elsewhere, with a 1 year old in tow.
The two sisters should not be less capable than the OP. And most students at that age skip occasional classes very easily.

Your mother should cancel her trip if she is serious about looking after your dn

I think there is a solution here, if there was enough will.

OP's living arrangements ATM aren't suitable but there's nothing to say they can't change. If she were to foster the boy she would get financial support to do so. He could change school.

It doesn't sound to me that the GM is well placed to care for him and I am very surprised that SS seem to be going with this idea.

Have SS said the child can't stay with DB, his father? Can't he move into GM's flat, if SS agree?

If it were my DSis' children I would be doing everything possible to have them and if that included moving house then so be it. It wouldn't be necessary though because my parents' wouldn't think twice about cancelling the holiday

But by DNephews have thus far been brought up in a loving, stable home. Taking them on would be incredibly difficult and cause a huge amount of upheaval for all involved. I am under no illusion that it would be very hard indeed, but it would be easy compared to taking on a child who has had the life of OP's nephew so far.

TBH, If SS really are happy that GM is the best person to care for DN, they would sort out temporary care for him while she was away. They are IMO very unlikely to agree to the arrangement OP's mother suggests.

So, no OP I don't think it's your fault if he goes into care, I think it's highly unlikely that would change, even if you did agree to your mother's proposal.

If SS have approved the grandmother as long term foster carer they would provide short term foster care for 3 months BUT it sounds unlikely as she won't have space for him, and would take the hit and cancel the holiday if she was genuinely committed to being his parental figure for the next 8 years. As somenody said, it sounds as if the grandma is sentimental but not, when it comes down to it, actually committed or capable enough to take her grandson on.

Can your mother honestly not get any of the money back from booking this holiday? Surely for a three month trip she would be able to get at least most of the money back due to the circumstances. I just can't imagine her explaining to her grandson in years to come why he was given up "well I thought about taking you in but decided to go on a cruise instead" .

I'm a foster carer with 3 long term placements. My foster dc have a wonderful life with great holidays, all the material possesions they want/need, and they are very much loved by us.

However, hell would freeze before I let my dn go into foster care. I very much doubt SS would approve your mum anyway but you are all being selfish.
Your poor dn.

Well, even if the 19 and 20 year olds are in full time education, can your mother not pay for a childminder to do wrap around care before and after school for DN and they look after him in the evenings/weekends? Why does it have to be you that moves away from your family and obviously, if you can't bring your 1 year old with you, arrange childcare for your 1 year old while your DH works? You doing the care is not a sensible solution, there are various solutions your family could do, and the main one being your mother delays her 'holiday of a lifetime' for a year or so until your DN is settled with her and she can properly arrange childcare while she's away.

How many of us would move house with a 1 year old to spend 3 months with a 10 year old who may have issues? Yes, he is the Ops nephew. She wants to do best by him but is not is a position to do so.

So? I work full time.......blah......9yr old Judgy. Looking after birth children or well known family members is nothing like fostering family life.

I too look after foster children. I too would take in DNs or grandchildren. We have existing, loving relationships. I know them. If my SW called me up to take in a 10 year old I don't know much about, thats not an easy decision. It would impact on my family and my kids are old enough to understand.

So much wrong with this thread. I am hiding it now. Good luck with it all Op.

Thanks again to all of you for your replies.

I'm agreeing with most of them, if I was an outsider looking I'd be saying that I was selfish too as it seems very black and whit when you're not in it. However I am in it and it so complicated.

He needs a lot of 1:2:1 attention and support understandably and with a 1yr old DS I cannot give him that. Although I'm his aunt we have not spent any 1:2:1 time together so effectively it'll be another upheaval for him and then another adjustment to be with my mum. He doesn't need further disruption as mentioned by PP.

I don't know that if I don't have him he'd be in care forever or of its temporally until his mum can sort herself out? I don't know

I don't think you're necessarily being selfish, but I do think you'd need to be very honest with yourself regarding the reasons for saying no.

You say in your OP "I live with dh approx 10 miles away and our 1yr old DS....My dh works local to our home so couldn't move in with us, let alone not having the space."

10 miles is nothing at all, my DD1 travels that far for school everyday (special school) unless of course your DH doesn't drive or the public transport options are awful.

I don't think you're unreasonable to be concerned about all this, but that wasn't a great reason not to help.

Surely your mum is going to have to either move or ask your sisters to move out? So if she does that before the holiday, it becomes a bit more practical for you. But it clearly isn't a good solution for anyone and presumably will raise questions about her commitment.

"If she were to foster the boy she would get financial support to do so. He could change school"

really? we couldn't take our 2 younger niece and nephew as neither wanted to change school, and it was decided as school was the only constant in their lives at the time, it was best they stayed in their area and went into foster care so they could stay at the same school than move away temporarily to stay with us.

and financial support?? where from? my mil had 3 grandchildren for 3 weeks, then continued with the older one for 5 months. she didn't get any help or support financially or otherwise from social services. they were quite happy to just leave her to it despite her being 74, and our oldest nephew came with a whole heap of issues, smoking, repeatedly being excluded from school, fighting, bunking off etc.

You don't get financial support if you are family one. My friend took on his grandson and they (ss) t left him to it. He bas adopted him now, so it was the best short and long term plan for the bit BUT it isn't always that straightforward

You've quoted me out of context - I did finish by saying I thought OP was doing the right thing and that things are rarely as simple as they seem in the scenario I described at the beginning of my post.

The children didn't want to change school but they could have if that was what was necessary to get them the best possible solutions in other areas of their lives. I wasn't suggesting they could change schools for the 3 months GM is away but if OP took them long-term

I think there is financial support for familial fostering within certain income limits but I apologise if I'm wrong

I can't believe anybody would actually put a crappy holiday above their own Grandchild going into care

People like this actually exist?

This child needs someone who is experienced in working with a child with the types of issues he has. A young woman with a toddler in a one-bed flat is not.

Yes, plenty of 19 and 21-year-olds are mothers, but not foster carers to 10-year-olds with troubled backgrounds.

I'm sorry you have had a few negative responses. I suspect they are from people who have had no experience of this kind of situation so pay no attention
Obviously none of us know the full details of your families situation but if you can't look after him then don't beat yourself up about it.
Foster care is the best option sometimes and I see damaged children thrive with the right carers all the time. Staying with extended family isn't always the right thing for the child as there are constant reminders that makes it hard for them to move forward.
His needs should come first not family doing things out of guilt or social services looking for a cheap alternative to foster care.
Hope it works out

Thank you suzylee

Friends and family carers are entitled to the same allowance as other foster carers in their local authority, providing the fostering arrangement is through social services (ie not a private arrangement). It's no longer a cheap alternative to foster care.

OP I don't think you're being selfish, just realistic. Your nephew is sadly very likely to be badly affected by his chaotic home life and could very well be difficult to handle. I wouldn't take in a ten year old with a 1 year old baby - and I foster. It wouldn't just be your nephew moving into your flat either - for the first few months of a placement there are meetings galore and a stream of new faces in your house. I'm two months into a new placement at the moment and next week is the first week that I get a day with no appointment.

You'd also be expected to facilitate contact with your nephew's family - who may resent you for "helping" social services "take" their son.

All things that need considering.

To be clear I never said I thought OP should take the boy, I actually think she shouldn't, as others have said he will have complex needs and challenges which she (or GM) is not well placed to met.

My point was that the practical problems she raises as reasons she can't take him, living arrangements, schools could be overcome if it was decided that was in the best interests of all concerned and she wanted to.