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Original poster

Is my fault he's going into care?

114 replies

Sayjustjackwithjazzhands · 21/03/2014 08:25

Very long story but don't want to out myself so will try make it brief but understandable.

My nephew is 10 and is under the care of social workers. He is 'd'b's son and due to db having various personal problems we have not been in touch properly for a few years. My nephews mum has had lots of issues over the years but it came to light recently that she is not a stable mother and cannot be trusted to care for her son. I have seen my nephew a handful of times in the past few years due to the bad relationship between her and db. To prevent him being taken into care a few of her family members have been interviewed etc but are not deemed stable to take care of him full time. Db has refused to step up, been avoiding calls, breaking promises to attend meeting etc and being generally unreliable.

DM is understandably devastated and wants to put herself forward for full custody, however she has planned a once in a lifetime trip with her partner that will last at least 3 months. She has asked me to take responsibility for dn until her return. I thought about it for a while and although I haven't said officially said no, I think this will be my answer.

I live with dh approx 10 miles away and our 1yr old DS. It would mean effectively moving into dm's house for that length of time. Dm lives in a tiny 2 bed flat with my younger sisters so it would be cramped with us all there. My dh works local to our home so couldn't move in with us, let alone not having the space.

This is awful and I feel like its my fault dn will have to go into care. Dm is refusing to speak to me and says that I'm being selfish. I've tried telling her that its not me who has caused this and its at db that she needs to direct her anger not me but its falling on deaf ears.

Why doesn't she understand? Am I being selfish? Not sure what I'm asking but feels good to write it out.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/03/2014 10:45

If the lad's immediate family are as toxic as they sound, might there be benefits in him making a completely fresh start elsewhere, perhaps through long term fostering or adoption?

Our late neighbours insisted "we're family" and took on custody of their grandson who'd been damaged by terrible parenting. Trouble is, they all continued to play each other off at the boy's expense until he didn't know up from down; tragically he committed suicide at 17

It's often better if children make new starts as young as possible - maybe 10 is a little late? - but anyway it's just an idea to add to the mix

Lweji · 21/03/2014 10:46

In your situation I think I would be chasing down your brother and forcing him to take some responsibility for his son.

The problem is that he's likely to be an inadequate parent anyway and a poor role model.

littlebluedog12 · 21/03/2014 10:57

Lweji actually you're probably right. I guess I was just projecting what I would do if it was my brother. But then he would never run out on his kids.

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 21/03/2014 11:03

Sorry but I think that you are all being selfish, I am biased to say this though as I know from a sibling the effects that care can have. Your DM should be giving that holiday up, going in to care will effect his entire future, he will have to live with people he has never met (or in a care home with many other troubled young people. He will basically lose any family he did know, most likely.

If it was me with a DN, I wouldn't think twice even though I have enough of my own problems, if it was temporary.

That's me though, I just couldn't live with the guilt knowing that I could have changed the outcome.

Cringechilli · 21/03/2014 11:06

Your mum is choosing a holiday over her grandson. That has nothing to do with you.

cleoowen · 21/03/2014 11:08

Where can't your nephew stay at your house? Why would you need to move?

I personally would do it. It might be hard for three months and not ideal for you and your family but what's three months when you're preventing your nephew going into care until he's 18? I would take the stress so can stay in the family and have a happy life with his family. I think your mum is right.

cleoowen · 21/03/2014 11:11

Can your mum take him on holiday? If not she should prioritise a person over a holiday and should cancel. It may be a once in a lifetime holiday but it's also a once in a lifetime opportunity for her to prevent her grandson going into care. Personally I wouldn't be able to enjoy my holiday knowing what was happening at home.

DrOwh · 21/03/2014 11:13

I hope this boy finds suitable adults to care for him away from your family.

Lweji · 21/03/2014 11:13

BTW, going into care is not forever, should the OP, or anyone else, at some point decide they are willing to take on this boy, I'm sure it will be possible, unless he's adopted.

In fact, if nobody is capable of taking care of him, I'd insist with brother to allow adoption.

Wantsunshine · 21/03/2014 11:16

So who is looking after your sisters at your mums house while she is away?
Sounds like the boy would be better off without your family if it is too much trouble to move 19 miles down the road or cancel a holiday. Very sad.

MoominIsWaitingToMeetHerMiniMe · 21/03/2014 11:47

Cleo they have a one-bed flat. With a one year old son. Doesn't sound like the ideal living space to be taking on a ten year old with a complicated background.

HappyGirlNow · 21/03/2014 11:53

I agree your mother is being selfish but so are you.. No matter what the situation, it's only 3 months!

Groovee · 21/03/2014 12:03

I know where you are coming from. My 2 nieces were about to be placed with my mum and dad when my dad took very ill. He ended up having a transplant and 2 young children would have been too much. I was the next family member approached and after a long hard talk with dh and a social worker it was decided that we shouldn't take the girls on.

Instead they were placed in a foster home where they were the only 2 children and were nutured and supported in a way I could never have managed to give them at the time. Today they are 2 lovely girls in their late teens, one at uni and the other about to go to uni. Considering their start in life, they are very stable lovely girls.

I don't regret saying no, it was hard and I often feel guilty but they got the best support where they did end up and they don't hold it against us.

If your nephew has been messed about then the upheavel may be too much for him and your family unit. It's not an easy decision but sometimes saying no is the right thing for the child concerned.

cleoowen · 21/03/2014 12:19

Not not an ideal situation and as I said it would be stressful and difficult but I would personally prefer that if it prevent a family member going into care.

Original poster
Sayjustjackwithjazzhands · 21/03/2014 12:23

Sisters are 19 and 21.

Thanks Grovee, I'm sure you can really empathise with my situation. Glad your nieces are doing so well.

Things are still in the air and none of this has been discussed with SS so don't know if its even an option.

I've asked for this thread to be moved into fostering.

OP posts:
Lweji · 21/03/2014 12:24

I don't think the 3 months at the mother's flat is at all feasible in these conditions and I don't think it would be good for the OP or the boy, TBH.

Lweji · 21/03/2014 12:25

If they are of that age, why can't they take care of the boy for 3 months?

Many women are mothers at that age.

Original poster
Sayjustjackwithjazzhands · 21/03/2014 12:30

Lweji they are both in full time education

OP posts:
akaWisey · 21/03/2014 12:34

The main priority at this stage will be finding appropriate parental figures who can provide an immediate, long-term placement.

The last thing this boy needs is to be told he's going to live with A who will then be going away for 3 months (a long time in a child's mind), moved into a flat with temporary care from B who won't be a permanent figure in his life in that sense, and who's life would be made more complicated by having left her own family to do so, introduced to numerous family members….it's a big ask of a small child. He needs thestability of carers who can form an attachment to, and claim him as their own when HE needs it, not when it suits THEM. He needs a bedroom of his own, a sanctuary which has been created with HIM IN MIND.

You're not being unreasonable OP, nor are you to blame if he is placed with foster carers. It's a tragic situation for him but one which was not of your making.

Slippydippysoap · 21/03/2014 12:39

Only the most feckless SW would allow a 10 year old to move into a 1 bed flat with three other people so anyone suggesting the OP should magically become the solution are very misguided.

Quinteszilla · 21/03/2014 12:43

You are not selfish. Your mum is, and it does not sound like she is the right one to be his "mum" either. If she gets full custody, she cant pick and chose when parenting him will be convenient.

Lweji · 21/03/2014 12:46

So? I am doing a full time job and have a 9 year old.

Lweji · 21/03/2014 12:48

Although the housing situation at your mother's is not ideal either.
She'd need a bigger place.

magoria · 21/03/2014 13:25

You are not being selfish. There is a lot more to think of than just he is family I would do anything to do it.

That is over simplistic and naieve.

It brings SS crashing into your life, having to arrange to be at any of their meetings etc.

I did it with my sister's eldest two. Hind sight is a wonderful thing. I would not have done it again.

ghostinthecanvas · 21/03/2014 13:30

Lweji does your 9 year old have meetings you have to attend on their behalf? Does your 9 year old have their own space in your house? Would you take a stranger into your home, with behaviours and history you know nothing about and feel safe? Especially if perhaps your 9 year old was a vulnerable 1 year old. Would you trust inexperienced young adults to give appropriate care and attention to the troubled 10 year old?
Social Services will not place the child in inappropriate accommodation anyway. Op is upset. She doesn't need judged. I am surprised her mother has been told she is suitable as she has 2 bedrooms with 3 adults. It is a very stressful thing for all concerned.