Do you ever have one of those "what have I done?" moments?

[Freddiefrog]

Feeling totally meh about fostering at the moment and wondering what the hell am I doing to my own children.

We have a 17 year old who is making real progress after 18 months with us but I'm really struggling at the moment.

I can cope with the police at our front door at 2am, I can cope with fishing them out of police stations at midnight, and carrying them up the stairs when they come home paralytic but I am really struggling with the affect on my own kids.

I've just finished explaining to my 8 year old that we can't spend Christmas Day with her granny and grandad, because we have to stay home so our young person can spend the day with her Dad, and it has really made me wonder how many more sacrifices can I ask my own children to make

Don't get me wrong, I love fostering and I am so proud of our young person and the progress they've made but I'm just feeling a bit blah about it all at the moment.

Does anyone else feel like this sometimes, or am I just a terrible foster carer who should quit now? - sorry, a bit dramatic woe is me, but I do wonder if I really am the best carer for our YP when I'm feeling so detached from it all

I know, it is so tough. I suppose you have to look at how much progress you are making with your 17 yr old FC. Is it significant? You are upset about Christmas being spoilt for your family but overall, is there a cost for your DC? I do think as foster carers, it is hard to say it, but our first responsibility has to be to our own children. It is hard to be objective about it and Christmas being mucked up doesn't help. Is there no other way? Could she see her father and you all go to grandparents on Boxing Day or something?

Aren't we always looking for that illusive happy medium?! Sounds like your doing a great job to me though :)

My sibling (half siblings) group has never been allowed Christmas contact. Maybe that's mean of me but I refused to split up the foster family at Christmas and why should Dad get the best day of the year but not want them for the other 364 days!

Of course my set up is totally different and they are younger so I'm not trying to compare. It's just that sometimes everyone has to dance to your beat instead.

Thanks.

There has been some real progress with our YP, although it is a real roller coaster, 1 step forward, 2 steps back with them. I think I'm just on a bit of a downer at the moment.

YP's behaviour at college has deteriorated and is about to get kicked off their course and the thought of having them back at home full time is worrying me. When YP has no structure and nothing to do, they get bored, go out drinking, roll home at 2am, sleep the hangover off until late afternoon before starting the whole thing again and I'm dreading getting stuck back in that cycle. We're not allowed to leave YP home alone so we end up stuck in the house, the kids miss out on stuff, or can only do things with one of us as one of us have to stay home. I have got quite tough recently and have made them get up and either go out or come with us but I feel mean, like I'm chucking them out for the day.

There has been times when YP's behaviour has been at cost to my children - days out cancelled or with just one of us because YP is too hungover to get up, days out cut short when we've had a phone call from the police to say YP has been arrested. Not being able to have family to stay (our LA insist all overnight guests over 18 are CRB checked, but then don't actually bother to do the CRB checks). Missed school assemblies/carol concerts, and other school events as she's decided she can't be bothered with college that day.

I think it's just the little things that are niggling me at the moment, lack of consideration at home mainly - last night they rolled in stoned at midnight knowing that I'm sitting up waiting for them. Then when I came down this morning I find there's no bread for packed lunches as YP has had an attack of the munchies in the night and eaten an entire loaf of bread (and left crumbs, the toaster, butter, etc all over the kitchen), yet again. There's a pile of washing dumped on the landing, no doubt waiting for me to put it in the machine. Wanting lifts everywhere and treating me like a taxi service. Taking my clothes without asking me, etc. Just little stuff, stuff that's no different from any other 17 year old really but really getting to me at the moment. I don't really understand why, I take the big stuff in my stride but I could have cried this morning when I realised there was no

I'm just tired of it all. Tired of fighting for everything, tired of social services never doing what they say they will, tired of all the drama all the time. I think we really need a couple of days respite, to spend some time with just our kids to recharge our batteries a bit but social services won't sort anything out.

She's at college all day today so I'm going to flop on the couch and watch crap TV and forget about it all for a while

Thanks

Why is she still with you OP?

This is terrible and must be awful for your 8 year old. Just stop for the sake of your sanity and to keep your family happy and together. I would kick her to the curb I am afraid. There is a line. She has crossed it.

I'm not quite sure really, we've given notice 3 times and ended up being talked round

To be fair, the worst of it was when she first came to us and now she's settled in college it is much, much easier for us. On the whole she's stayed out of trouble and is doing really well (when she's not acting like a dick in college)

My kids have never seen the worst of it, never seen her drunk or anything, never seen the police here as it mostly happens in the middle of the night when they're sound asleep. Our YP has always behaved really well at home, doesn't even swear in front of the kids

I'm concerned that if she does get kicked out of college we'll end up back where we were though and social services just aren't stepping up.

It sounds like social services are as big a problem as your YP. Respite would be a good idea and talking you around when you have given notice three times is not fair, it all prolongs the agony.

By the way, the things you describe as little things really aren't little IMO. Treating you like her servant with the mess and washing, but with less respect than a servant would have and helping herself to your stuff. That would infuriate me.

She may well get kicked out of college and be bunking off around the streets bringing more trouble to you all. Maybe it would help you to have a bottom line and decide where your limits really are so you don't keep being like the frog in boiling water. You know about the frog?

Blimey!! I admire your dedication and resilience...I too have have an 8yr old and wonder about the effect my (newly palced) 14tr old YP will have on her. I guess it is different when living with it...others reading,may construe it as more extreme than it seems but hats off to you.....I hope I do not end up in the same situation. Can't offer advice as am so very new to the process myself but wish you every luck....

Thanks!

Sorry for not coming back before, it's been a bit of a sore point the last couple of weeks

Notsure - you're right, it doesn't seem so bad when you're actually living it. It's not all the time and most of it is hidden from my girls and it's not until you list everything and see it all written down it you really see it.

We've talked it over and asked for a planned move on and given 3 months notice. She is 17 so from her point of view wants more independence and freedom than we can give her so social services are looking for either supported lodgings or a flat of some sort

I agree, these are not little things in my book either. You must be a saint. I wouldn't put up with this behaviour from my own lids so why should a child in care get away with it? ( and this is why I have a toddler, I couldn't handle a five yr old let alone a 17yr old!)

Two weeks notice is plenty enough I reckon. Shape up or ship out.