When do you give up on a child you are fostering?

[Roshbegosh]

We are having a terrible time with a 12yo child that has been with us for a few years now. One thing after another and he smoked some weed this week, was in a fight, had a school exclusion etc. we love him but he is making us miserable all the time. The SWs don't exist basically, so shite, that is another story. If we give up on this boy he will end up in a childrens home and most likely go downhill fast. Horrible dilemma. Don't say ask LA for support, have done, no response AGAIN. Feel torn, stressed, miserable and knackered.

I don't agree with just shouting zombie thread just be all smug.

But not quite as smug as you, eh?

I kind of thought I was being supportive. I have zero experience of fostering so can't offer advice but by suggesting she start her own thread I thought she'd get more help.

I hope you're not put off by the bickering Rindless. Start your own thread. You'll get more support.

It is what it is, only saw the age of the thread after I'd posted this. Good luck everyone. George

Atruth- yes you were, I didn't mean you. Sorry if it came across that way.

January- I wasn't smug I was feeling angry that that was the first thing the poster saw. When they obviously needed support. How unwelcoming.

Your post was stupid and unnecessary January. It is quite obvious that Rindless is a new poster. Why couldn't you be more helpful like the posters after you?

Now now girls, I'm a big boy! I've got this..... lol

Rindless, I've been in your shoes with a child who behaved in a similar way. If he is destabilising your other placement then in my opinion it may be time to call it a day.

Our 16 yr old is going into semi independent on 3 weeks, not sure if this will have any effect?

Do you mean he is moving out?

Yes, he's Sec20 so is voluntarily in care! He's moving into his own place next month

Ah I see.

We fostered for many years. We had to give notice on two children over that period due to their behaviour not being compatible to family life. Our agency was not keen for us to do so but we insisted. Sometimes it's the only option.

Ignore the negative comments!!
I've been a carer for 9 yrs and had teenagers. I absolutely sympathise!
Set some ground rules.
Tell him if he misbehaves at school or is disrespectful to you then there are consequences like take away technology until he shows he can be trusted and listens.
Hope things improve.

I haven't read the entire 63 reply's but ref the original question...You give up on a placement, when you feel it is the right decision for you(the carer).

I always try to separate school behaviours/disruptions with placement behaviour/disruptions. Never never award a consequences at placement for behaviour in school. Puts too much additional pressure on placement!

Good Luck everyone!

I understand OP. Birth child of foster parents here. Many people would have given up before now.

No advice to add to what's been said, but

Never fostered, but my 13 ds1 is Kevin and perry, rude, miserable, answering back, in a bad mood. permanently. His lack of affection, appreciation, and lack of interest in us, or anyone other than himself and his friends, is frightening.
Just to let you know, it's not that unusual.

I googled - "should i give up on a foster child," and found your question. I feel like giving up on my foster child. I have had him in my home for only 2 months and I feel like giving up. I wonder - what is the reason I am doing this? I do not need to hear the word, "female dog," addressed to him. He is extremely rude and throws tantrums, was kicked out of daycare for his bratty behavior, suspended for one day for his behavior at school. I'm considering contacting the social workers and telling him that he can go to a different home. I do not know if you have this complete disrespect addressed to you, but I have. I know from experience that not all foster children are this extremely disrespectful. He threw a Chrome book in the air at school - the teacher told him to return the Chrome book - he said no and just walked away - again complete disrespect. It's like he feels he can do whatever he wants and I'm thinking - hmm, no. When I tell him no, major tantrum. He's 9 and expects me to do everything for him - when I say no - again major tantrum. I'm tired and do not want to deal with his crap anymore. I feel like I'm in one of those relationships where I'm in an abusive relationship and I'm the victim - but I made that choice. But, then I can back out. But, I get you - not an easy decision to make - given you have had the child in your home for a couple of years. It is not easy when the child has been in my home for 2 months.

Got no advice on what you should do but just came on to tell you that you are not alone. Only you can decide what to do for the best.
Our child has been with us 8 years and we have the same behaviours.
Luckily my children are older so they just ignore it. I think you need a really thick skin and not to take things personally. Also a good sense of humour is essential
My partner is the most laid back person you could ever meet and I now find myself in an abusive relationship with a child!
Have you read any books by Sarah naish? I went on a course she ran and it was really good.
When I started fostering another carer said to me’ take it a week at at time, don’t look years into the future because it’s too daunting, at the end of each week slap yourself on the back and say well done’
Things may settle down but they may not. It’s up to you what you do, but don’t beat yourself up if you can’t cope.

Do you have any respite in place? I have a long term placement who has been with us many years but whose behaviour is steadily getting worse. He has now been permanently excluded ( not that it makes a difference at the moment!) and just doesn't seem to care.
Life has become very stressful and residential care was suggested but there is no way I am agreeing to that.
He now has respite for the weekend once every 6 weeks which he enjoys and gives everybody else a break and time to breathe.

Thank you for the advice. I downloaded the book and find it helpful. I also have begun reading the book, "The Boy who was Raised as a Dog." I have been finding the book helpful - as it gives me hope.

Today was a really good day for the little guy. I said no and there was no screaming and yelling, amazing success. :)
But, with all of the behaviors, I'm still sad that he might go to a different home come next week. The social worker has a family friend who wants placement of him, so that trumps me, the foster parent.

I know no-one has commented on this in a while, but I'm experiencing a similar situation to Lrast above in terms of length of time and feeling at the end of my tether. My foster teenager (16yo female) has been with me for 3 months, and while we have developed an often good relationship (even whilst constantly in the house for the duration of lockdown), she has these behavioural episodes every few weeks where she really goes off in the deep end. I've been outwardly calm and patient even when she's really pushing my buttons, but she makes threats that she is going to report me to her SW for untrue things (the latest being that I 'refused to feed her' when I took the processed snacks away for 48 hours after she refused to clear up in the kitchen, but she still had full access to all of the actual food). She's accommodated under Section 20 and still has regular contact with her parents, and will complain to her mum and ask her to complain about me to her SW every time she doesn't get her own way. I have started taking photos of everything I'm doing (for example, taking photos of the full fridge/freezer/pantry today to demonstrate that she is not being starved!) because I am worried that I'm going to be investigated by the SW/IRO for allegations of neglect like this - I've even looked into getting a GoPro that I can literally wear all the time that we are at home together so that I can prove the kinds of experiences and conversations we actually have.

I am a single, new foster parent (she is my first placement) and I work full-time in a demanding job. They placed her with me because she has a fair number of independent skills and was supposedly 'low maintenance', but these threats to make formal complaints against me are really taking it out of me - my ability to concentrate on work (particularly while working from home), my sleep and my energy to interact with anyone else are all just shot. Maybe I'm just not cut out to foster...has anyone started fostering and found that they can't hack it?

@Lrast, it would be great to hear what has happened with you since your original post...hope you're doing OK.

The tantrums have reduced since I last posted this. :) He had a tantrum yesterday because he pushed me, pretended to pour water on my cell phone, pretended to put a knife to my neck, pretended to lock me out of my house - all within an hour. I told him that if he continues with these behaviors, we are not going to my sister's house (he loves my sister and especially one of my sister's kids), oh that started the tantrum. He screamed and yelled and said that I was being mean. I told him like what I said before, no Nintendo Switch for 5 days based on the tantrum. He said he was going to kill himself - he typically says that during one of his tantrums. The last major tantrum like that might had been 2 to 3 weeks ago - that's significant. It used to be at least once a week and it would last for an hour of his screaming.

I wondered too - am I able to accomplish the task of being a foster parent. It is not easy. Side point - I have a master's degree in social work and I am a social worker at a foster family agency, one would think with that background this would be easy. It is not. But then I think, if I give up on him, where will he be? I know from experience that there are horrible foster homes where the foster parents could care less for the kids as long as the foster parents get a paycheck, they are happy. The children do not celebrate their birthday, no outings, no nothing.

When I think of his behaviors, I try to remember the inspiring stories from the book, The Boy Raised as a Dog. I try to imagine my foster child becoming a successful adult as opposed to an angry adult who ends up incarcerated.
He is remaining at my home because this COVID means that social workers are not going out to his grandma friend's home to inspect home to determine it is in compliance to foster parent guidelines unless it is an emergency. He has court in a couple of days where he could talk to his attorney and express where he wants to live.

clmh47
Do you complete diary sheets?
Make sure you make a note of all of the allegations. I would also text or email your Sw and her Sw just to make sure you are covering yourself.
She may think that if she makes enough complaints against you they will decide to send her home, we know this is not the case but does she?
Try and have a chat with her and explain that if she really wants to go somewhere else you will get everyone together and you can all discus it. This could be a zoom meeting.
Make sure she realises it will be upsetting to you for her to go and that another carer may not tolerate the way she is acting and move her on. She could end up with numerous moves.
If you give her choices hopefully she will make the right one.
Good luck and sorry that it’s been such a tough time for you with your first child.

Thanks, @Cassimin.

I have been recording each major incident/suggestion of making an allegation in emails to my SW and FC's SW, but if she stays with me I think I will start keeping a bit of a daily log of her general behaviour etc. to see if any patterns or triggers become evident.

Today I thought we had made a fresh start - she asked if she could have a few friends round in the garden as lockdown rules now permit this, and I got up early to get the garden furniture and sun shelter out, set things up to give them a nice space to socialise in etc. She seemed cheerful and happy all morning, and when her friends came at lunchtime I thought 'this'll be a good day'. What a mistake to think this! Within 2 hours at least 2 of them were drunk, and when I (quietly, one-to-one) told her that drinking wasn't permitted and that they could either hand it over and collect it to take home at the end of the day, or leave, she was dismissive and rude, and they all decamped to a nearby field to get drunk (FC stopping to scream at me from the street en route). Two of her friends came back to collect something they'd left behind, and after a short chat expressed amazement that I wasn't the horrific b*h I've apparently been painted as to all of them.

I thought I'd been making progress, but apparently the consistent headline is that I am this awful human being who mistreats her and makes her life worse. I'm meeting via Skype with her SW and mine (and my SW's manager) tomorrow to discuss where to go from here, but I just don't see a way forward with her staying after this, and feel like an utter failure because of it.