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Original poster

will she adapt ok

62 replies

fostermumtomany · 06/10/2012 15:26

i have a 2 year old going to adoptive parents soon. she has been with us since she was a very young baby.
im worried about how easily she will settle in with her new family. when we talk to her about the adoption she is adament she is not going. (she is a very very bright 2 year old), if we say " whose getting a new mummy and daddy" she will say "not me i stay with you" or "i got mummy and daddy, you mummy he daddy", meaning my hubby. this is depsite the fact she has never ever called us mummy and daddy, always by our first names.
im so worried that she wont settle and will spend all her time being upset or thinking we didnt want her.
i have moved a child onto adoption so many times before but i have never had such a clever lo before. she knows what she wants and what she doesnt want and at the moment she definately does not want to move.
how can i help her. can someone help me with this. have you been through this too? bridging is hard enough without worrying that the lo is going to be devastated.
any advice would be appreciated.

OP posts:
scarlet5tyger · 15/10/2012 21:08

fostermumtomany you have the support of everyone on this board I'm sure. It must be terrible to hear her thinking she's naughty because she has to leave. It makes it even worse that you have to keep pushing the new family because I always feel the child must think I'm pushing them away.

Did her SW give you a book to explain the move? The better SWs I've worked with have made them up specially for younger children (with their own names in and tailored to their likes and dislikes) and they explain the move simply, with pictures etc.

I know what you mean about certain children stealing your heart. One little boy who I struggled to attach to initially ended up absolutely breaking my heart when he left. Yet I'm about to start introductions for one of my current LOs who I love to bits but am finding the move much easier. It did help meeting the new parents and feeling that the move is right.

This must have been an especially difficult placement for you if you've had trouble with birth parents too - are you expecting them to be dangerous towards you when they find out their daughter has moved? I had a special "hotline" number to the police when this was expected with a child I moved on, it might be worth asking your SSw about it?

One bit of advice NOT to follow - the prospective adopter of the LO I'm moving on told me about a website called Adoption UK which she said had loads of posts from adopters and foster carers and was really helpful. I had a look thinking I might pick up some tips for moving LO, then spent the next hour crying after reading a new adoptive mummy boast about how she'd stopped the car on her new child's move home to her house and thrown away all his dummies!!

Hopefully by the end of tomorrow things will look a little brighter when LO actually meets her new family. Books and pictures and DVDs are all helpful but no substitute for the real thing.

Sending you lots of hugs x

Cahoots · 20/10/2012 23:15

fostermumtomany I stumbled across this thread and have no experience of FC's but you sound so incredible and wonderful. I really hope it works out ok for your LO. Her new parents sounds nice Smile

Original poster
fostermumtomany · 22/10/2012 12:45

well all was going ok until today.
they collected early morning but she didnt want to go with them. all the other days she has been fine, looking forward to it even. not today. when it was time to go with them for the day she stuck to me like glue and wouldnt let go. then the tears started. the tears quickly bacame hysterical sobbing.
i prised her off me and handed her to mum and she screamed and screamed. i could hear her outside as they were putting her in the car. she was absolutely sobbing. we left it an hour then text them to see if she had settled but they after an hour they hadnt replied so we phoned them. she was still sobbing. 2 hours after leaving she was till crying hysterically.
ss want to move her on thursday. i dont think she will be ready but (given previous experiences) i know they wont take into account what we say or think. they will move her anyway. i dont want to drag it out because its cruel to everyone involved but i dont think she is going to be ready in 3 days do you? personally i dont think she will ever be really ready.
i wish you all could have seen her this morning. i have never seen a little one cry like that. her whole body was shaking, she couldnt catch her breath, it was awful.
yesterday when they brought her back here after 4 hours, she came in and ran to me, she threw herself in my arms and clung to me like drowning man clinging to a log. again i had to prise her off me (after 2 hours of sitting like that). i have little tiny fingernail marks on my neck from where she held on so tightly.
please reassure me and tell me i did the right thing today. when she was clinging to me not wanting to go, i pulled her off me, despite the crying, and handed her to her mum then i told them to just go. was that right or should i have made them stay a while until i calmed her down. i cant my sw as she is on annual leave, i cant ask the lo sw as she isnt answering her phone. i rang ss and begged to speak to anyone but so far nobody has called me back.
im tearing my hair out. have i possibly made this worse for her by insisting she go?
i feel so cruel. the way she looked at me :(

OP posts:
amirah85 · 22/10/2012 13:14

I think its cruel u have to do that,they should have let u adopt her :-( so very sad for her and u...I would feel like running away abroad or something

Cahoots · 22/10/2012 14:26

Sorry, I don't have any advice but wanted to say how sorry I was that your LO is having such a bad time. It must be heartbreaking for you. I just cannot imagine how you all must be feeling. Sad.
Hopefully you can have a chat withthe new parents and they will be able to reassure you a little. Sorry, I am clutching at straws.

scarlet5tyger · 22/10/2012 15:43

fostermumtomany just a very slight reassurance - I had a little boy placed with me who was very attached to previous carers and arrived much as your LO sounds today. I could feel his heart pounding through his chest, even through his clothes and we went through a whole box of tissues in just one day. He was only with me for a week and it was a difficult week for all of us but he had improved hugely by the time the week was up. Children are so resilient that I'm sure in a couple of weeks she'll have settled much more.

As for moving her on Thursday, as you say yourself "I don't think she will ever be ready". There is no good time. Sometimes with difficult introductions I think it's just easier to bite the bullet and go for it. Her coming and going each day will upset her every day and she will associate her new parents with trauma.

As for LOs SW not answering her phone I'd be straight back on there now asking to speak to their manager! They are supposed to be available urgently when intros are taking place.

Hope things are slightly better when she comes home today x

HanSolo · 22/10/2012 15:57

Fostermumtomany- we've never chatted, but my heart goes out to you and your FC. I am sitting here in tears at your posts on this thread.
I hope she settles well, and your hearts heal. Wishing you much love Thanks

bonnieslilsister · 22/10/2012 21:24

Fostermumtomany I am thinking of you too Thanks I have a very similar situation coming up and I am dreading it with all my heart xxx

Oldandindie · 23/10/2012 11:24

Fostermumtomany Sad
Sending hugs ... As said before I'm approaching practically same situation with an extremely bright but very attached two year old... Been with me since birth. She will be leaving her sibling behind with me too.. Am so worried like you voiced that she will think of herself as the naughty sib! Am praying that the new family in your case keeps in touch and empathises with your sorrow . X

Original poster
fostermumtomany · 25/10/2012 00:02

its tomorrow. sh goes tomorrow. i cant do it. i cant give her up. its ripping me apart. i can stop crying, i dont know how to let go, please please helo me

OP posts:
Cahoots · 25/10/2012 00:16
Sad I will be thinking of you and hoping it goes as well as possible. I just can not imagine what you must be feeling. I hope you have some RL'ers about to support you.
Oldandindie · 25/10/2012 09:33

I really feel your pain , I'm in tears for you and selfishly for myself and my LO too...
Please tell me you have RL support ? If not send me a PM and ill ring you. What part of country are you in? Am sure you have plenty of well wishers telling you it wil be alright and your doing a wonderful job ... I know from experience that's not of comfort at the moment . My only advice would be to be as friendly as you can with adoptive family as they will determine your contact in the future Sad x

scarlet5tyger · 25/10/2012 11:15

I'm so sorry this move is so difficult for you, and it's difficult to express support purely through the Internet. Like the two posters above I hope you can call on real life support to get you through it.

I always take comfort at this awful, awful time from a post someone made on here when I was struggling with moving a child on - every child that goes takes a little piece of your heart with them so that the next child you take in can fill it again.

Also, the fact that it hurts so much right now shows how much you loved this little girl and how lucky she was to have you. Sad

BusterTheDonk · 25/10/2012 11:26

sending you the biggest virtual hug possible fostermumtomany...

I can't give you any advice... except to say that I totally understand - totally - and wish I could help - say the right thing, but I know in your hours of need it isn't words you need... just let it out...

Sending you the biggest hug and shoulder to cry on....

Take good care of yourself... try and be proud of yourself.. you should be!!
x x x x x x x

Fairylea · 25/10/2012 11:39

My heart goes out to you. I can't imagine how difficult this must be for you.

Just a random idea but could you print this off to give to her adopters to keep till she is older? So she knows you loved her so much and wanted the best for her ? It might be comforting in years to come... or an edited version.

You are doing the best you can in the most horrible of situations. Without people like you the world would be a much bleaker place for children in care. It's because you care so much that makes you a good carer. X

bonnieslilsister · 25/10/2012 12:46

Thinking of you and hoping too you have rl support. I will pm you my number if you want to chat Thanks xx

Fosterangel · 25/10/2012 17:07

Fostermumtomany - sending you love and hugs and all my thoughts are with you .

Your life and hers will be all the richer for this deep love that connected you. xxx

LadyWidmerpool · 25/10/2012 17:31

Thinking of you. You should be so proud of yourself. It sounds like you have taught this poor little girl what love is - what a truly amazing gift. She will cope, it won't be easy but she will come through it. We are all so lucky that there are people like you. Wishing you strength.

Oldandindie · 26/10/2012 07:49

Am sure you didn't sleep well last night .... I just want you to know that my thoughts are with you and your LO today xxxx

LadyWidmerpool · 26/10/2012 10:52

Thinking of you today. Take care of yourself. Children are amazingly resilient - more so than we are, sometimes! Best of luck.

Surrealistrhinoceros · 28/10/2012 23:10

I'm sorry this has been so hard. Don't want to give too many details but we were recently the adopters in a very simila r situation. There were some heartbreaking moments and LO grieved obviously for her foster family. However they have been able to adapt and are now very happy and settled. To my eyes the experience they had in foster care of being loved and cherished has led them to expect the same from us - which actually made it easier for them to settle well, if not necessarily quickly. If that makes sense? Our older child ostensibly settled more quickly but has a tougher time several years on.

We had a visit quite early and I think that was helpful - many authorities advise a brief visit at 6 weeks ish I think?

All the very best.

Oldandindie · 06/11/2012 11:58

Has any one heard from Fostermumtomany , hoping she's coping Sad

scarlet5tyger · 06/11/2012 19:07

Not heard anything but was thinking about her today when I logged on here. Hope everything is okay too.

bonnieslilsister · 06/11/2012 21:31

Me too. I have been thinking of her and hoping she is ok.

Original poster
fostermumtomany · 28/11/2012 03:03

hi everyone.
than you for your lovely messages of support.
she has been gone a month now and its harder every single day. i thought i would be feeling a bit better by now but im sat here sobbing. i have good days and bad days and today is an awful day. to be honest this is the first day when i have really let it out. i have been bottling it up for the sake of my own children as they are missing her so much as is my husband.
the day after she left, we got a call to take a tiny one straight from hospital. while he has helped a little to fill the hole, he just isnt her. i miss her mess and her noise, i miss her drawing on things she shouldnt be drawing on and sticky finger marks all over my patio doors. i miss her shouting upstairs for me to hurry and come back down, i even miss her following me to the loo!

the adopters have phoned twice, both times to ask for phone numbers for various appointments and what not. both times i had to plead for info on how she was. then they said they didnt want any further contact at all, not even a stat visit for her sake. ss over ruled that and said it will be happening but not until the new year. i spoke to her sw and she said she had had a hard time settling in and they thought it would be better for her to not see us for 3 months, so she can properly settle, which is fine. i want her to be happy and settled. i spoke to her birth family last week, they are appealing the adoption, they have a very good case to as lots of things were not done properly. i know this sounds really selfish of me because it isnt fair on her to keep being moved but i hope they win, at least then i will be able to see her again.
the adopters have said they wont be sending photos or letters. they even told ss they didnt want us writing a letter for her life story. she needs things like that in her life story or she will have a chunk of her life (2 and a half years) missing! they dont seem to care though about what is best for her, they just want everything on their terms. i know she is their daughter now but as a mum i would want whatever was best for my child, surely they want the same? surely ss would have told them all this during the adoption process?

sorry for going on, i just feel i have nobody to talk to as its three in the morning and i cant sleep for thinking of her and how she is.
god i miss her so much, its like she has died. is it normal to feel like this? i have missed little ones before but this is a whole new level of pain :(

OP posts:
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