I KNOW this is off topic BUT....I need a Social Workers opinion!

[seaofyou]

I know their are some experienced SWs here

and

lots of parents with experience of SS

I am worried my ds(7) is going to end up in foster care (don't get me wrong nothing wrong with this for a child at risk foster parent(s) do an amazing job)

Ex used to attack house - this has now stopped 12 months ago due to CCTV. Ex has had no contact with ds for nearly 3yrs.

13 months ago Ds had SW (got new one now for direct payments not CIN etc) that when I accidently phoned up for support because ex had tried to break in again that morning leaving screwdriver dents in front door again (I made the mistake and cried) that SW said if I carried on being upset it would effect ds (ds not their when making phone call) ....basically threatening I was not coping.

Ds disclosed physical abuse by df(historic as no contact now)...informed SW...no action

4 months later ds disclosed more abuse...saw solicitor, advised I went to Child Protection Unit (Police). Ds assessed by CPU and asked to attend video suite next day.

Next day at CPU I was informed CPU not taking it any further. CPU had spoken to SW that morning who said I was making it up to get at ex!!!!

Ds had 2 hour meltdown as wanted to tell policeman about his naughty daddy. I felt I had to tell ds the truth that they thought I was telling ds what to say. Thankfully over the weeks ds forgot about df:)

I did try and get therapy for ds but informed by NHS, SS and all agencies NSPCC etc nothing for ds (esp as ds has ASD needs specialist input).

February I decided to meet with SW manager and new SW to show the statements written when ds disclosed to his home tutors and the recording of ds talking about df. The previous SW didnt want them. They said to call them if ds discloses again and SW and police office will come and assess ds. Why? They didn't believe ds first time! So why should ds be put through this again? It's so wrong:(

Then out of the blue month later...ds told me he told dc in school about how his df beat him. I'm too frightened to approach SS about this.

BH weekend ds said 'Is daddy in prison?'. Ds told me he wants to talk about it in school and tell the dc and the teacher! I have told ds not to tell the teacher or dc as SS will say I am telling you this and you may be taken away. Ds is determined to tell his teacher!

After last year's experience I am terrified because of being accused of coaching ds, SS will think I am doing it again....terrified if ds tells teacher etc report to SS and ds will be taken away as they think I have made it up!
It is only a matter of time before ds tells a teacher as getting very verbal about wanting to tell someone in school just this week only.

I am worried sick of SS removing ds!

It is only a matter of time before ds tells his teacher and ds is very head strong about it all! Which I don't blame him as he wants someone to listen rather than mum!

PS if this is the wrong place...does anyone know where SWs hang out on MN to get some professional insight on this? But please all advice from experienced MNs needed as terrified ds will tell teacher:(

Also how can I help my ds forget? Ds memory is amazing and detailed...I call ds my walking diary! Sadly wish those dates with df could be deleted somehow:(

I'm not a social worker but in the past my job involved working with people known to the SS. They left children in far, far worse situations than you are in, sea, so please, please don't get stressed they'll take your ds. Foster care or care in childrens' homes is fantastically expensive, especially as your ds has extra needs, and in these times of austerity it would make no sense to take him from such a devoted mother as you.

thanks bonnie you clarified what I just found out before seeing your post...I phoned NSPCC and they said if school had contacted SS I would be informed and there is no risk to ds at all from ex. I don't think school did then now...but I am annoyed school never contacted me...ds has a communication disorder that I rely on 1:1 and teachers to tell me how ds in school/emotionally etc....this was over a week ago and I was never told!? This is so very wrong!
I am going to try and get hold of SS manager again tomorrow and discuss todays findings! That I discovered by accident about last week!

They know I dont have contact with df we split up when I was pregnant....I only joked with SW few months ago my last night out was 7 yrs ago. Last SW said I was making it up about ex because of ex escaping supporting his ds finacially. Which I replied I wouldn't want a penny for what damage ex did to be undone!

OLKN they wouldn't take ds as I'd be on the first boat! I just don't understand why school never communicated this too me and SS then said dont go to school about ex....might not even be related just pure coincidence but school really wrong not telling me!

Yes, I agree the school were wrong, but it's more likely to be poor communication than anything else. Please don't worry too much, you can probably clear it all up tomorrow/later today.

BTW bonnie I think it is great they have support groups for foster carers as it is a tough job/vocation. Good to see they ensure that the reasons for fostering are correct/ethical/legal and in the dc best interest.

OLKN I worked alongside SS with vuln people before this (not child protection) ....I am absolutely devestated how mine and ds situation has expolded like this...I really don't know how? Why?

Ex kept reporting me to SS around ds birthday....after initial investigation and second reporting then SS protected ds and I! If ex was believed my whole career I worked hard for over the years and would love to return to some day would have gone up in smoke....as SW said 'lucky I kept ex's emails'...luck should not come into it!

I can't leave it OLKN I will hit it head on and yes time to sleep as a lot to get through tomorrow also thank you for your support you know it means a lot. Night night

I don't understand it either, sea, sometimes The System just doesn't work. Keep strong, and sleep as well as you can. You have my utmost admiration for the way you handle everything.

And you are a brilliant mum.

oh God I feel sick knowing I have to phone SS AGAIN!

Why? Why? Why?

thankyou OLKN....feel like a failure though and starting to crumble under this pressure.

How did it go?

I phoned SS manager - in meetings will phone me back this pm?

So I thought is it right school should withhold information from me if ds upset esp if saying about abuse to another dc!

I phoned emergency Social Services who confirmed school should have contacted me...the only reason a parent would not be contacted if they were the actual accused abuser. It is the df so school know that and know df not having contact. I also was informed school has not contacted SS about it. They informed me to contact school.

As SS manager told me not to tell school I will wait for return call.

I contacted solicitor also and was informed by solicitor if ds is disclosing abuse again it can be reinvestigated. But SS told me yesterday it can never be reopened because ds was asked leading questions at the time!?

God I am confused!!!

I am going to waiting to speak in person to the worker who overheard the abuse and ask her to write it out and also what she said to school and sign and date it. I will give that to my solicitor....who is also puzzled to why school never contacted me!

What did they say?

If you tell yourself you are a failure you will crumble, as you say, under the pressure. Begin from now to say to yourself you are a good mother and be proud of yourself

x post

Can't get my head round why you can't contact the school.....

Can't get my head round the fact there was an incident last week and you weren't told......

Instead of worrying about people reporting you, why dont you think about not necessarily reporting ss but making an app higher up to get answers for these questions that are obv causing you distress x

I think the abuse could be reinvestigated, but as it's essentially ds's word against his father's, no final conclusion could be reached. I'm not doubting your ds's veracity, but it wouldn't stand up in a court of law.

Hope you get some answers this afternoon.

OLKN yes I agree ds ASD/age at time of abuse and no evidence would result in no case...but I should not be told that asking ds leading questions (the tutor was not quailied in CP) is a wierd answer!

Bonnie, Solicitor also agrees with this and thinks I should complain to the Cheif Commisioner of SS about everything that happened last year? I don't know...mainly I too emotional knackered too fight! But to take on SS would be a 'huge' battle and with a service that can take a dc away in a blink I don't want to challenge them/upset them tbh as I know they would close ranks and attack back.

Bonnie and OLKN spoke to SS who will speak to HT tomorrow. Ss has no choice, ds who is never aggressive went for the dg today in school who has been hounding him about df. So HT will be told about these incidents also.
Still at school for not informing me. Communication has totally broken down hence SS telling HT now and not me. Hope they give ds a bit more slack as they are not aware of situation.

I'm confused seaofyou! How come ss knew about the incident at school but not the head teacher???

Btw ss can not take a child away just because someone asks pertinent questions even if they don't like being questioned! They can only take your child away from you if you are a danger to them or unable to parent them adequately. You sound like you are doing a fine job!!

Bonnie confusing for me and I got all the facts but dc asked ds in playground 2 months ago 'Does your df beat you' this triggered ds disclosing again. School don't know as ds only told me and then 1:1 at after school club overheard dg say stuff again and ds get upset so school only know about last week...I don't even know how many times ds has been asked but 3 girls who are friends do it I think regular hence ds asking ' will I go to SS if I tell the dc about my df'

Ds had helper on sat am for his therapy....this one day 2 months ago asked 1:1 to go to city with ds for trip out and the 1:1 told everything to parent of dc in ds class she met about abuse and ds needs and single mum etc I sacked the 1:1 but damage done and since dg's asking ds does df beat him at least 2 occasions I am aware of...which I reported to SS. School not aware of it all...but they will be tomorrow.