How do your children feel

[ClaireCodd]

Hello lovely ladies. My oh and i are close to pannel. We have a 6yr old ds.
Quick back story: ds has had a few problems at school for since nursery (in yr1 now). But today i was called in as his behaviour was really rude. When i asked him y all he would say is " you and daddy dont love me you never tell me".
Like most parents we tell him more than once each day so i burst into tears.
We have been open about our plans to foster with ds. Explaining we will have one child to love and look after as their own mummy n daddy could not. As not all childrens parents can love them like we love him.
We are planning for long term so theirs not any coming and going.
My question is did anyone else start fostering with a birth child at this age? How did they react?
When we talk about it ds says hes happy and can not wait for the brother or sister so they can play.
But after today im worried hes not as happy and am thinking we should hold off?
Any advice plz? Thank you

Hi Claire

Our daughter was 4.5 when we started fostering, now 6.5, we had always been honest with her about what was going to be happening, (maybe too honest,) we did focus on the fact the Lo's coming to us, need our love and that the things they do may not always be how we do things.

She has coped really well, that's not to say, she does not get fed up, angry, upset with the boys, (they are 5.5 and 3, currently been here for 2 years and challenging!) She rejoices in their achievements and honestly does love them.

We do try to spend 1 2 1 time with her, and she does retreat to her bedroom, (this is a no visitor/boy zone, unless asked).

It would just be apprehension on what's going on, that the changes in behaviour are coming out as. you will be nervous and they do pick up on that!!!

i am not sure holding off would solve anything,

Our next battle will be when they move on! this is due to happen later this month, as they are going to meet their' forever ' mummy and Daddy.

Good luck.

Pm if you want.

Kiddiwinkles

Hi I started when ds was 5 but I was a childminder before hand so he was very used to children coming and going

Sadly we have know crystal ball some children who seemly are fine with it have lots of issues and some children who seem distraught end up being the best foster brothers/sisters ever

My view is it such better to start fostering when your own children are very small about to leave home as they basically don't know any diffrent

I think he may be picking up on your worry try and relax a little make sure you have planned time for just you and lo whilest fostering Weekly all I can say is you won't really know until you start

Not very helpful but just keep it light tell him you love him every morning as I am sure you do but to be fair he just seems at that age

Thank you ladies. That does help me feel a little better .
I was just worried as his teacher said fostering would not help him as we told them when we first started out at start of yr.
I love the idea of fostering to help another child and i feel my own ds will benefit as i will be a sahm when we do foster.

My Ds 13, has problems at school, occasionally, but at home, he's lovely. With the LO in our care at the moment he is gentle and loving.

Our DD, 11, loves us fostering, and doesn't like it when we haven't got a placement. Saying that, she doesn't like it when she's ill and I can't be there 100% of the time, and recently while I was in hospital with LO for a few nights, she was not impressed, and I was wondering if they are still too young. But hey, hospitals aren't on the agenda, ever again so it won't be a problem.

Has your SW talked to him?? I know ours takes my kids views seriously. Mine told her they don't want two children here again, and they've taken that on board, regardless what me and DH feels (which happens to be the same)

Hope it goes well for you and the family, good luck x

Oh yea, another thing, one of the teachers at DS's school, wrote a letter saying she was worried about his behaviour and his reactions to the fostering panel. Not helpful!

pandad that is my worry. Our SW has spoken to ds and he was very enthusiastic about getting a LO i honestly feel he will be happy as i said as i will be a sahm. He already doesn't like me going to work.

Another question i have is, how do ur birth LO get on without being able to have friends stay over night? My OH is worried it will impact our ds from having a "normal" childhood. But my point of view is he is young enough that it will be "normal" to him. My plan to over come this, would be to have my mum (who will be crb checked and part of our support) have the foster child the night ds wants a sleep over. I know this mean sleep overs wont be able to be spear of the moment, but as i said ds will see this was as normal for our family if its what we do from start.
Your opinions on this would help too thanks .

My kids are allowed sleepovers here, mind you our current LO is a baby. I have also had friends sleep here one night, she has a CRB and was not left in charge of the baby.

Our LA also allow LO to go on sleepovers. MY DD has had a friend over a couple of nights for a sleepover, and she's in long term foster care.

ClaireCodd sorry why WOULD you lo not be able to have sleepover I have been fostering for 8 years and I have never heard this my ds regulary has friends to sleep over

And I am allowed and would happy for foster chikdren to have friends stay over as well

Personally I wouldn't be happy with ds not being able to have firends stay over it will be a issue when your ds becomes a tween I would be challenging our fostering provider on this issue I have never heard of a la or a ifa banning foster parents children from having friends staying over

My DD has sleepovers and so does my FD, and sometimes if the sleepovers are on the same nights, they all stay in the same room and have a riot. My FD also goes to her friends' houses for sleepovers, and their parents have not been CRB checked.

My LA want the FC to be treated like our own - we don't insist that our own birth children's friends' parents are CRB'd before allowing them to stay at their houses do we?

Btw, we started fostering when my DD was about 7, and she has always loved it - couldn't wait for the next one. Having said that, she now has a long term foster sister.

Thanks everyone that makes me feel better. Our LA said sleepovers would not be allowed due to crb etc when we did skills to foster. This did put us off abit as we want long term and for the FC to feel part of family and no different, but also want our DS to be as little impacted as poss. Seeing ur posts has given me hope

Claircod only children over 16 need a CRB check so I am still not clear why children can't come to yours for a sleep over

Also they are actually breaking the fostering guidelines

Many LAs were were forcing foster carers to get everyone crb checked so It basically ment you couldn't have any one at your home or have any one over 16 stay over

When Tim loughton came in as the minister in charge of fostering ( I am sure ladies will correct me or back me up)

He wrote t every la correcting this makeing sure they they were clear that foster children should have the same oppatuintes to attend parties,sleepovers ECt as any other child also that adults who are staying over only need a CRB if they are regularly staying over such as a boyfriend ECt

One off visitors such as family coming for christmas do not need to CRB and common sense should be applied eg not leaving the overnight guest in sole charge of the foster child

Please clear this up with you LA because what they seem to be saying in terms of overnight visitors reallys seems wrong

Thank you mr bo. I will check with SW tomorrow as this was a big sticking point for us, as you said we want them to be as normal as poss

Yes, same here. My kids regularly have sleepovers too. I would probably have to reconsider the fostering otherwise as kids love them and it is important for them as at times fostering can be hard going and sleepovers can help to distract them from this.