thinking of fostering... pros and cons of different aged children when you have birth children

[noonar]

Hi. I have thought about fostering on and off for some years now.

There are many issues that one would need to consider, I'm sure, before deciding top embark on this process. Fairly near the top of my list is how fostering would affect my dc and how they would respond to the experience. I have dds aged 8 and 10 who are very empathetic, caring children. My gut feeling is that they would really 'get' the idea of trying to help another child who may have had a less fortunate start in life.

I have a preconceived idea that a toddler/ baby/ younger child might be ideal as my dds could really feel part of caring for that child.

I have a hunch that an older child/ teen might be trickier, given the age of my own children.

In some ways, i feel personally that i could support an adolescent child effectively, but am aware that children grow up very fast anyway, and am keen to shield my 10 from witnessing any very challenging adolescent behaviour for as long as possible!

Would it be possible, once approved for fostering, to agree to accept teenagers only if they display no overtly challenging behaviour? (ie stuff that my own dc would pick up on)

any advice ( esp from those who foster and also have similar aged dc) greatly appreciated x

Hello!

I have a nearly 6, 8 and nearly 10 dc and have been fostering for nearly a year.

We have been approved for a foster child under 2 and since being approved (our la insist a fc must be at least 2 years younger than our youngest) we have had fc placed with us from birth.

Overall i think it has been a fantastic experience for us as a family. I have no experience of looking after an older fc, but would say that the first month of looking after our lo was extremely difficult as lo had to go through withdrawal, but the children coped really well and we all "pulled together". Seeing lo thrive and develop is one of the best things about fostering.

It is one of the best decisions i have made, so i would contact your la to talk about your options!

Feel free to ask anything if i have forgotten!

hello op firstly i would say as you have a child not long for teenage hood themselves i WOULD NOT be looking to foster a teen, and i sure ss will tell you this.
This is to protect your own children from bullying and influence and also to keep your coldest child's position in the family.

you most likely be looking at 6 and under, make no mistake though looking after young children is just as challenging as looking after teens they just have different issues

with teens for example you have much less contact with their parents, as the teens tend to sort out their own contact and also will see their sw when they need something, also its can be much easier to explain to a older child whats going on in terms of moves or their parents,

as you can imagine with a younger child you have a much higher contact with the parents which brings its own issues due to contact ect , also with the child's sw also younger children its often very difficult for them to understand different decisions that are made due to their age and also getting them to open up to different professionals

we once had a 3 year old fc and the guardian planned several visits to determine the child's views which the fc had very strong ones which they expressed to me and sw sadly for visits in all fc would talk about was my cat and what fc wanted for birthday gurrr

my son is 13 and i have been fostering since he was 5 and he loves it but to be fair he cant really remember a time when we were not a foster family, i made clear to him that the children are not play mates.

go for it but my view 0-6

also.. please do not under estimate the amount of running around you have to do... they may be in a school the other side of town, contact could happen 2-3 (normally) times a week and most SW's expect you to do the transportation... the meetings.... last month I did 670 miles and we have 1 fc currently with us... I spend 2 hours in the car each day just to do the school run... the whole dynamics of your family is very likely to change...that isn't necessarily negative, just please be aware of the 'expectations' on us today..

I applaud you wanting to foster - it is great but incredibly time consuming, emotional, frustrating, heartbreaking and rewarding - all at the same time...

Sadly until the child is with you and settled do you ONLY find out the true extent of their difficulties/behaviour..

I'd have a chat with your LA and see how you feel after that..

Good luck x

Have to agree with Buster about the behaviours/problems a FC placed with you might have. A child who looks like an angel when placed can suddenly change once they feel settled and become a complete handful. Sadly, abuse is often not known to the SW - in all likelihood you will be the person the child discloses it to (or you will gain some indication that something isn't "right").

I'd agree that a child at least 2 years younger than your youngest birth child is preferable - your own children shouldn't feel like they've lost their natural hierarchy, which could happen if you took an older child in.

I have a BC now aged 6, (been fostering for 2 years). We have 2 Fc at present, now 5 and nearly 3 ( been here 2 years). The little one is as much a handful as the bigger on, and believe me he may be small but he can so floor you, both verbally or physically. My BC loves it, we have our moments but, we get on fine,

The 2 year gap is ideal, my eldest 2 are too close in age for comfort!