how should i react when everything i am buying for new teen is getting lost or broken?!

[qwertysue]

Hi, this is a cross thread, part rant and part questions regarding advice please.

My new 16yo teen who lives with us is too old to foster, so i am only in the process of applying for child benefit and tax credit for him which will equate to about £50-60 per week. Social services wont get involved, so it is now just a case of "he is an extra in our home".

My rant is: 4 weeks ago when he moved in i had to get him all new clothes, school shoes, toiletries the whole lot. The problem is he has totally wrecked his school shoes beyond repair (he chose them, not me) ripped his new coat, borrowed my pen drive and lost it. Asked for money for a concert he had a ticket to see (Booked before he moved in), then required £10 the next day for a friends birthday gift card etc.
I dont begrudge giving money when it is needed, nor the things that i have bought for him. What i am ranting about is how little respect he treats his things with and just says "im clumsy!" to me that is not an excuse. and this is just my grrrrrrrr moment!

can anybody out there suggest a reasonable budget that i should be giving him, how much pocket money and how often and at what point do i draw the line and say im not supplying any more cash? he is just 16 and still at school, so i pay for dinner money and bus fayre, mobile credit, badmington club and anything else he asks for.

Before he moved in i had just my own two children and juggled my money very carefully that i never had to say no (mainly to DS1@15 other [email protected] so doesnt count in this instance) and now due to the extra costs involved i am finding that i cant give DS1 the extras due to the high maintainance of teen2.
I dont want to seem like i regret him moving in, i just need a bit of advice RE a new budget as its all new, and i want to be as fair as possible, just unsure of how at the moment?

Sorry, but my gut feeling is that he is testing your boundaries. You know what you feel is reasonable and you need to trust your own judgement. I think you are feeling a little bit guilty and sorry for him, which is understandable but dont let the monkey take the mickey.

Fed, clothed, sheltered, loved, one activity and a fiver a week. Friends birthdays etc are for him to save for or to simply buy a card. If it is his best buddy he may want to be a little more generous well he has all year to put money by for it. Up to you now to teach him his values as he obviously hasnt a clue. Good luck xx

You should bump this thread into fostering

To be honest I would treacly any child who lives with me the same

I buy items to start with. But. Anything lost or damaged has to be replaced partly by the teen either with house work or buy finding a pt time job and replacing it themselves

Feeling sorry for hime won't help his situation you need to provide him with firm but loving boundires for the off set

Btw I am a foster carer

Whilst I agree that maybe he is 'testing the water', I also think (as I remember your first thread) that maybe he has never treated his previous possessions with respect as he has never been taught to respect items and maybe not even had anything he felt was worth respect (eg clothes to small etc).

When I remember back to being 16 (don't you dare ask how long ) I lost things, I broke things - after all I was very busy conquering the world and I knew it all . Until you have to work for your own money, you cannot possibly appreciate the "true" cost of things.

It is always easy in this role, to forget many things that we take for granted, and expect of a child at a particular age... it is sometimes better to go back to stage 1, teach the basics and encourage self confidence and self esteem.

I am probably being very naive and over thinking this, but after reading it this morning it has played on my mind throughout the day... I agree boundaries are needed, it is frustrating when things get damaged etc, but I always try and look beyond the frustration and take a step back....

Could you possibly help him find a part time job as a starting point?

I've said it before, but well done on taking him into your home & your life.

some guidelines i have had as a foster carer of a 16 year old is £20 per week on clothing ( shoes included) £8-10 pocket money and buy him a bus pass.
Definately help him get a job ( easily said than done)

Won't you get supported living monies as he's 16 - about £150 a week I think.

many thanks for all of your replies, sorry its taken so long to reply, i just havnt had chance to get back onto here, its been a very manic week, with lots of ups and downs :-(
he is trying to get himself a part time job and is looking forward to starting at college next september.
Buster, you may be right about boundry settings, he has opened upto me alot this week, and well to say as much as i can on here...I certainly would not have liked to be brought up in His house!!!!!! but at least they now have room for number 9 who is due very soon (AAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!)

Although i do try and treat the 3 of them the same, it is VERY difficult to be telling DS1 not to call teen 2 sausage or chicken (as in, hiya sausage, are you all right chicken, how are ya mate.) as teen 2 gets very distressed over some things which are not meant as insults in any way, there is just an awful lot of very deep routed issues which i may never get to the bottom of.

My main concern is that he has been left to live with us and i have no way of knowing any back ground info, i have no support for when things get tough, i have nobody who i am able to turn to because HE IS 16. so its like there you go, hes all yours now get on with it. However, i am not his legal gardian, due to his age, and yet i am expected to do all that a parent would. again, i dont see this as a problem, yet it does create problems such as when i took him to the dentist, she wanted to know what paperwork i had for him being with us, and the truth is none! it was just lucky that at the dentist he was able to sign for his own treatment, being 16, otherwise i am not his legal gardian, so by law i cant sign for things like that, i was told i dont have parental control.
Sorry guys, another long rant, its just sometimes i feel like im coming up against a few brick walls and i havnt the foggiest idea where to turn!?

qwerty, have you thought about contacting your citizen advice bureau? It may be worth while both you and this young person going down, as he will be entitled to some benefits. They will be able to tell you how to deal with most of the issues that you are having.

I would think that it may be worth while also talking with the young person and asking him where you stand with him, wither he sees you as acting as a parent or if he sees himself as a lodger. (Of course only ask this if you are happy for him to stay in your house as a lodger!) Then you could move on to a discussion about rules and boundaries. Would be worthwhile also asking things like if he required an emergency operation and could not consent himself to it, would he be happy for you to consent to it on his behalf - something that hopefully won't come up but worthwhile finding out where you stand legally on that from the CAB as well.

I really take my hat off to you for taking this young person on, but you definitely should not be taking all the financial burden of it too, you should be charging him rent, which he should get housing benefit to cover and he should be entitled to benefits which should cover the cost of the majority of what he needs.

Good luck with it all :)

thanks squidey, I do need to go to the CAB and get further advice. He does see me as his stand in parent whilst he lives with me, and he is adhering to the house rules, tidying up, being home on time etc, however in the event of an accident it will always be his mum who has any final say on emergency hospital treatment. The school will ring us both in that event, yet if it is anything to do with normal care, attendance etc they know to ring me. I have spoken to a friend (off the record) who is a benefit advisor and he said i am getting all there is under the circumstances (child tax, child ben).
I was surprised to see such high pocket money recomendations, as he is still at school. i yet have to sort out college uniform for a catering course in september, which both boys are enrolled on, and as i work the bill is now doubled to £650 for their equipment, I just hope that he sticks at the course, as if he doesnt thats a huge waste.
We have settled for £10 per week pocket money same as DS1 gets. I will be getting him some more clothes, trainers etc, and currentley both boys get £3.50 a day for school. When the school year ends i wil re-negotiate with both boys regarding money and work it out from there.

I think your pocket money suggestion is much more realistic than Ruby's (sorry Ruby ) absolutely no need to give him all that. Encourage the Saturday job. Well done for doing what you are doing. Not easy and not many people would do that x