Foster to adopt?

[revellish]

Dear parents,
My DH and I have been thinking about fostering/adopting for quite a few years but can't agree on which to think of pursuing. Our LOs are 3 (DD) and 1 (DS) years old, which I think would mean waiting to start the adoption process until DS was at least 2 for our LA (Tower Hamlets). Do you know if there is any foster to adopt scheme if you are approved as a FC? Or is it either one or the other?
Also would appreciate any thoughts from our parents with young children on their thoughts about fostering/adopting with little children of their own.
Thanks!

We were told that fostering is not an access route to adoption. Whilst some carers do end up adopting their LO's it is very often a huge fight with the LA.

I would think at this point you need to fully decide on which option (if any) is best for you and your family and commit to that - not try and mix the two.

Normally, your children need to be the oldest by 2 years - so if you waited until your youngest was 2 you'd be able to foster babies... that is if your LA want any more carers for that age range... ours has stopped recruiting carers who only want 0-2 due to over supply...

During our approval process to foster, we had to explore & explain why we weren't going down the adoption route and this was discussed in detail.

Good luck

Like Buster's LA mine has also stopped recruiting carers who only want babies - new carers are all now put down as taking 0-18, although you can state a preference.

BUT, whilst only a couple of years ago there would be a huge fight if a foster carer wanted to adopt their placement I've heard of lots (at least 5) of carers who're now being almost begged to adopt their current placements. I think it's a mix of the current financial climate (foster carers are paid, adopters get "funding" for a couple of years) and the recent media hoo-ha about the length of time it takes for a child to be adopted.

I'd be honest with your LA from the start if you want to foster to adopt because in reality it's the only way you can adopt a true baby - even relinquished babies can be with foster carers for months before they go to adoption.

I agree with scarlet to even get to the point were adoption orders are granted it can take up to two years the children by then are so attached to the foster carers and also to old in many adopters eyes that it becomes diffcult for sw to find a home so in our La at least foster cares are encouraged to go for adoption rather than long term fostering of their placement.

I know a few fc who hAve been approached to adopt their placement the guardians seem to like fc having first refusal as well

But op I do believe you are inquiring about concurrent planning which has the fc approved as a adopter as well I was told by my sw the reason why many las don't like this is because it's diffcult for fc to give a fair record to the parents when they themselves have a vested intrest in having the child I was told our own la have serval cases were fc/ adopters tried to sabotage the situation when it looked like the courts favored the child going back home.

Op it can happen but I think you can't go into fostering thinking it will

Thanks for your messages everyone.

Mrbojangles1, I have looked into concurrent planning and I think you're right, it must be very difficult for FC to be trying to work towards the family be re-united when they have loved and cared for a child in its very earliest days and weeks. Trying to sabotage the situation just sounds awful, but I can see how some families sadly try that.

I think that I am going to keep doing some research and when my DS is a bit older, at least 2, then we will have to make a decision..!

Thanks again.

I agree with others - generally, fostering and adoption are quite different and you need to decide which it is you want: to have another child, or to professionally care for other people's children? Having said which, I met a very inspiring foster carer (single male) last week who is hoping to eventually adopt his charge. He was very honest: says he can't afford to adopt but he is hoping to provide long-term foster care (for which he gets paid) then eventually to adopt.

If you are considering concurrent planning then some of the voluntary agencies are doing this - Coram, I think? But clearly you will have to think very carefully about the implications, not least for your other children. I know somebody who adopted two children under concurrent planning but found the second experience seriously unsettling for her first child - not surprising; poor little mite was getting a clear message that children are maybe not forever in the family.

Incidentally, I have a birth child of 6 and an adopted child of 2. We first applied to adopt when dd1 was 2 and were 'slow tracked' so that she would be a bit older. dd2 eventually came to us when she was nearly 1 and dd1 was nearly 5. Our experience has been very positive so far.

Thanks very much for your message Devora, that is helpful. I think when you frame the question like that, I want to have another child (or children? I wouldn't want to separate sibling groups... but 4 children... that seems like ALOT! :) Weirdly, I would also not want there to be any chance that the children could divide into 2 against 1 in any combination, particularly bio children versus adopted. Is that a strange concern?)

The issue of having adopted children alongside our biological children is something that we are thinking through carefully. Do you know any good resources for processing/ thinking through the potential issues?

To be honest Revellish I think your own children are far too young for you to be thinking of fostering or adoption. As others have pointed out, most LAs like 2 years between ages of birth chrn and fstr chrn. I know this has already been said but that would leave you applying to foster a baby when your chdrn are 5 and 3. It is unlikely you will be taken on as most LAs have more than enough fcs on their books who want babies.

The same will apply for adoption - very few babies - and loads of approved adoptors waiting for them! The fostered or adopted child needs to be the youngest in the family, as it is not good for them to have to compete with younger children for attention.

I think your comment about bio children v adopted children are very worrying you say you would not want there to be any chance of 2 against 1. There are absolutely no guarantees in fostering or adoption. I'm sorry to be blunt but this tells me that you are very naieve about fostering or adoption and would probably be best putting the whole idea out of your heads.

If you do want to find out more you can google "British Agencies for Fostering & Adoption" (BAAF) Fostering Networks (the national organisation for foster carers)or Adoption UK. I would never usually say this to people on these posts (and I speak from experience of a 30 year career as a social worker and team mgr in a Fostering & Adoption team for a LA) as everyone has to start somehwere, but I don't mean to be overly critical of you but sometimes people have to be saved from themselves if you see what I mean.

Maybe a few years down the line you will have learned a lot more and may prove me wrong!

Hi hun,
Im neither a FC or an odoptee (?) either lol. But i have had SEVEN children lol. yes i did say 7 lol. And im hoping to foster - [message to self: see psychiatrist] wink
To be really honest with you, i wouldn't advise either. Not as yet.
You have two young children so your youngest would need to be two years old (minimum) before you could foster from what iv read off the ladies on here. If you chose to adopt you'd be looking at older children.. this (in my humble opinion) isn't wise. You're own children should be the oldest as he/she already has a position in the family that is long established. I truly believe it would be a roller-coaster of mixed emotions hun. Of course much would depend on your own experience - im assuming you have 2 children and are a young couple.

I know from experience of raising a large family that to slot in an older child would not have worked for us (please dont think im judging your ability).
People are adaptable i accept that, but imagine how hard it would be trying to cope with an older child 24/7 when your current experience is 0-2yrs age range. And this new child would inevitably be emotionally if not psychologically scarred. Its alot to ask/expect you to cope with hun..

Now in my mid 40's i appreciate that i 'grew' with my children as they grew.
My children (i now have 3 at home) are all well adjusted and high achievers, but they still have strops and test the boundaries, (and sometimes would test the patience of a saint) but i am confident in my own ability (time served) that i know what to do and when to do it, and how to achieve the best result with the least damage.

Its lovely that you want to offer your heart and your home, but i would seriously wait and give it more thought.

If or when you decide what age range and what direction you think best - why dont you do some studying and equip yourself with knowledge, and go from there.

best of luck tho in whatever you decide x

Oh well done Minximoo you have said what I wanted to say but you have said it so much better and kinder than I did.

We know u always mean well nananina and sometimes u cut thru the ribbons to show the knots. xxx

NanaNina, I'm sorry but I have to say that your post has really riled me. It is inappropriate and way too harsh. revellish has raised questions and concerns that are very normal among those considering adoption, and is getting good advice about waiting awhile and doing her research. She is responding to this advice thoughtfully and asking for pointers to further resources. And then you come on to tell her that she is completely unsuitable to adopt! Absolutely out of order.

Excuse me being so blunt - I often enjoy your posts and appreciate your expertise - but my buttons have been well and truly pushed. Going through the adoption system involves accepting bucketloads of being patronised, judged and found wanting. You learn pretty soon how to keep your niggles and worries to yourself so that some heavy-handed social worker doesn't slap you down - and I speak as someone who was generally very lucky with my social workers! (But I had a bad experience with the medical advisor, who took very badly to my questions about the possible impact of FAS, and told the social worker I was clearly unable to accept a less-than-perfect baby and so was probably unsuitable to adopt - I am still furious about this.)

revellish sounds great to me - at the start of a journey, with lots to learn and think through, and who knows whether or not she will end that journey with adoption or not. Yes, you have 30 experience in social work. Well, I have a different kind of expertise - that of actually having adopted a child while having a birth child - and I really take exception to your tone. Honestly, what makes you think it's a good idea to write things like 'you are very naive.. and would probably be best putting the whole idea out of your heads' , 'I don't mean to be overly critical of you but sometimes people have to be saved from themselves' and 'Maybe a few years down the line you will have learned a lot more and may prove me wrong!' I mean, WTF is that about?

You owe revellish an apology. I don't suppose she's going to get one.

Thanks Devora for leaping to my defense :) I think that you probably said most of what I would reply to NanaNina's comments.

I think I would firstly really like to point out that I am only asking the questions, thinking, talking to people etc. It is a process that I think will take many years to feel and test to see whether it is the right thing for our family or not. I'm sure that no-one just wakes up one day with a spare room and their (grown-up) children out of the house and decide to foster or adopt? I know my children are young and I would of course wait 'til the youngest was at the very least 2 yo, if not more... but I don't think that there is anything wrong with asking questions is there? Especially from people who are alot more experienced and knowledgeable than I am. (Like yourself) But we all start somewhere, as you said. I'm not sure if I understand your great worry about my concern of 3 children dividing into 2 groups of any kind..? Three is a crowd and when there are 3 children, there often is one who is left out. My concern was that if I have 2 biological children, I wouldn't want the adopted/fostered child to be the one left out... why is that such a strange thing to be concerned about? Of course there are no guarantees, and I'm not saying I would take sides, I'm talking about how children behave to one another, not how I would behave. Children hunt in packs from what I can see... maybe my concern is not valid, but is there something wrong with being concerned about something that might happen?

Additionally, I would never consider fostering/adopting a child older than my DD. I have read enough to know that that is not advised or wise. I wouldn't want her to lose her place as the first in the family.

You also assume that I would want a very young baby because I'm asking these questions whilst my own children are young. TBH, I hadn't imagined fostering/adopting babies because I know that there are many people willing to (particularly) adopt babies. I don't know what age I feel that I would be thinking of fostering/adopting, but I certainly would not have put the youngest babies as my first priority.

I don't feel that I am very naive, but I do think that I have lots of questions and I'm learning. I want to learn from others who have gone before me, but I would appreciate being spoken to in a respectful way regardless of what your opinion is.

revellish, this is absolutely the time and the place to ask every idiotic question you have. Not that ANYTHING you have posted has been idiotic - I think you are absolutely right to be thinking through all the different family dynamics that could ensue, and how you could manage them.

You asked earlier about other resources for helping you with this, and I am NOT ignoring that! But I think I have to retire from the thread for tonight, because I'm feeling all red misty and ranty, and I'll be more use to you after a good night's sleep

OK hands up! I am truly sorry Revelish for my unnesessarily abrupt post and it is not like me to post like this, as I'm sure others will know. I did thank Minximoo for being kinder to Revelish - as soon as I had pressed Post Message I knew that I shouldn't have sent it - I have asked myself why I did this and I think I know why, but it won't make any sense to you and you will see it as an excuse (it relates to something that the post brought out in me) quite unjustifiably of course because Revelish was nothing to do with it. I particularly regret calling you naive that was insulting of me.

Devora your anger is quite justified, so apologies to you too, as I have clearly upset you and made you red misty and ranty. I think MN is great but when something makes us angry, it stays with us (I know from experience) and then it's not so good.

My apologies are genuine.

Thanks NanaNina, apology accepted. :) I'm sorry that my post brought out something that must have been painful for you, I did not mean to upset anyone with my questions, concerns or worries. I hope that you might find some peace from/in that anxiety or situation soon.

Thank you, NanaNina, that's very gracious of you

Thank you both for your acceptances of my apology. Revelish you shouldn't have to apologise for something your post bought out in me - the fault was mine. Thank you too Devora and hope you are less red misty now!