So angry about gossip.

[Muchadoaboutnuthing]

Sorry, I am just so angry at the moment and really need to vent. My friend called me this morning, she was out for dinner last night with her dh at a local restaurant. There were a group of women at the next table who she could hear discussing me and our foster d. We have had foster d for 8 months, she's in her late teens and has been a bit of a handful :) There are a lot of professionals involved in her care, psychologist, psychiatrist as well as the sws etc. According to these "ladies" I am doing a crap job with her, this is obvious because her behaviour is so bad apparently. We live in a small town and foster did something really terrible a few weeks ago and it was the talk of the town for a few days after. What really bothered me was that one of the women at the table, the one who appears to have been leading the conversation is someone who I would have considered to be a friend. Obviously we can't actually tell anyone what is really wrong with foster d (there is a psych diagnosis which explains some of her behaviour). But it just makes me feel sick to think that people are talking like that when we have put in so much work with her. She is hard work, its 24/7 but we love her to bits and its so worth it. I know gossip like that shouldn't bother me but I'm just furious at the moment. Thanks for reading, really needed somewhere to get it off my chest.

We have only been fostering for 9 months, but have already have come to the conclusion that some people just don't understand fostering or some of the difficulties that come with it.

It sounds as though you are doing an amazing job in difficult circumstances and be pleased and proud about how much you have (and will) achieve.

Don't listen to people who probably have no idea how it is to walk in your shoes! Although sometimes easier said than done......

Hope all goes well for you all in the future x

It shows you are doing a great job because it bothers you what these silly people are saying!!

No-one can imagine how hard fostering can be, and it sounds like you are doing so well and sticking by her which is a huge credit to you.

Its such a small world out there, and if it happened to me, that a 'friend' was having such a dig, personally I'd mention it to her and watch her squirm .

Gossip is cheap - friends are free.

Parenting is always so easy from the outside

Silly Silly ladies... rise above it - you're worth ten of them any day of the week...

Congrats on caring about her & sticking up for & by her x x x

I'm with Buster on this one - I'd mention something to the "friend" about her opinions and see if she's friend enough to say the same things to your face.

I am a foster carer, I know the difficulties involved, and I have total respect for someone willing to take in teenagers. For someone who doesn't have a clue to feel free to pass comment like that must be very hard to take.

Some people have no sense and some have not a lot of heart. Those people are gossipers and I agree they should be challenged.
It sounds like you are doing a great job and are a lovely person. I remember when a fc i had for respite had gone home and a "friend" said did I know fc wasn't well liked at school amongst the children. I was so cross! I said "you prob wouldn't be well liked if you had had her experiences!" I was very indignant but at least she said it to me and wasn't discussing it amongst others like your fiend.
Your fc is lucky to have you xxx

Friend obviously not fiend!!!

Its really tempting to stamp on her toes and put her gossiping to question, but id give it a tad longer n think about it a little more. If you still feel the same in a week or two then say something calmly (harder said than done i know).
At the moment you are justafiably angry, and ur response will be emotion based. When you calm down you may think differently hun. Pitty their ignorance.. The world is filled with ppl who 'know-it-all' but never actually go and do it lol.

My guess is that if you create a stink - you'll create more hassle for your foster child, and probably risk starting up an "Us .v. Them" scenario.

Time will present you with an oppertunity to speak to them and surely something will be said. To which you need only say "Yes its a hard job but i'll stick with her till the end, she's had anough people sticking the knife in, thats why I'm a foster mother and many are not..." lol.
Good luck and stay strong huni xx

foster carer though minximoo... not foster mother.... (being pedantic I know but for a very good reason...)

Its very political and a serious hot potato but we are no longer foster 'parents'.. just foster carers

One of my mums was furious to hear LO refer to my sister as 'aunty x' - I can sort of understand why, although in my defence I was just trying to create a 'normal' family life for them, and some people are given the honorary title of 'aunty' even if its not a family tie.... but it was a very delicate situation and so now I completely block out that type of language to prevent another innocent slip up...

I had another episode this week with my current LO - referring to me as 'my BtheD'... it really pissed parent off... I've no idea where that came from, but contact worker had to warn me to arrive late and advised parent to leave contact 5 mins early to prevent her blowing up at me

You really do feel like you're walking on egg shells as far as parents are concerned.....

Thanks for all the replies, I'm feeling a bit calmer this morning :) It's a tough one to call, I think I will say something but will probably leave it a few days. I don't see this particular woman very often so I won't have to go out of my way not to see her until then or anything. The irony of this is dh and I have joked about this in the past. Our last placement (also teen girl) was also very troubled and the police had to call several times for various reasons. They have also been out to this girl 3 or 4 times as well and every time the squad car pulls up myself or dh will automatically say "Oh god, what will the neighbours think?" Its done as a joke though because our neighbours are really great and undersanding. Its not so funny when you find out people really are gossiping behind your back though. I actually can't believe people get any sort of entertainment out of it.

Yeah I agree that people will gossip Coconutty and the incident that occured was always going to cause that, but its the way people can so flippantly say that myself and dh are obviously doing such a bad job as foster carers because this behaviour is happening. Do they not understand the situations that these kids are coming from. Both of our last tow girls have had mental health/psych issues. it doesnt excuse all their behaviour but it does explain some of it. Its not all just because we're doing an awful job looking after them.

I don't take in teenagers so probably don't get quite as tricky situations but I've often wished I had a t-shirt that said "I'm their foster carer not their parent!" when we're out in public. (I suspect many of my "real mummy" friends would sneakily pinch it though)

I've also had the difficult LO calling me mummy in front of birth parents that Buster mentions. It's VERY awkward and shortly afterwards they began calling me "aunty realname" to try and stop the 'mummy'. Didn't work. However much you tell a child to call you by your real name, if you've had that baby since they were 5 days old then by the time they're 2, and still living with you, they're going to call you mummy.