Becoming a foster parent

[Glenshee]

Hi everyone. I have started looking into fostering, and would appreciate your thoughts. I have read a lot of other threads here in this section and I'm so impressed with how helpful and supportive experienced foster parents were to those who are only at the beginning of their journey.

Our situation: 2 kids of our own, currently 7 and 4 years old. We'd be looking at fostering children of primary school age. We think we would be comfortable with any kids of roughly the same age as oldest, and below, although of course having a FC that is younger than my both children would be a perfect match. We'd prefer short-term fostering initially.

Potential issue number 1. We have a spare bed in the kids bedroom but no spare room (2 bedroom flat). However all the rooms are mega-spacious - kids bedroom is 5m x 2m. Space isn't a substitute for a separate room of course, but given that there is no spare room, I feel it is important to note that there is a lot of space. To be honest, we wouldn't mind, and can afford, to move to a larger house, but apart from fostering there wouldn't be any real reason for us to go through the pain of moving right now. So it's a bit of a vicious circle -- fostering requires a spare bedroom, but the reason for us to get a spare bedroom would be actual, real fostering, - not something that might happen if we're successful and lucky in one or two years!

Longer term, in 4-5 years, we will be moving anyway, so that kids can have separate rooms, and at this point we can consider getting a spare bedroom for any potential foster children. But we're trying to see whether there's any chance for us to start fostering before then.

Potential issue number 2. We both work, and have well-paid jobs. DH runs his own business, and works during school hours. He takes kids to/from school, and mostly stays with kids during school holidays. I work 9 to 5, but employer is very flexible and family-friendly. Leave is generous, and I have taken a lot of time off at short notice in the past to be with children whenever necessary. On top of generous annual leave I take about 2 weeks a year of unpaid leave, to spend more time with the kids. Neither of us wants to give up the job completely for the sake of fostering, as this would effectively be a change of lifestyle. Money is a factor, but it's not only about money, it's about the right balance, and we feel that what we have now is balanced in a way that works for us and for the kids.

Practical question 1. Who would I approach as a first step? LA or IFA or both? If IFA then how many and how do you choose them? Is it possible that different organisations will have different view on the issues above?

Practical question 2. At what stage, and how, do you involve children? Is it worth me seeing LA/IFA first, then if they seem encouraging talk to kids, or the other way around? Also, - how do you do it with kids that age? I expect a long list of questions from my 7 year old, who likes to analyse everything, and will no doubt try his best at understanding this. I just don't know how far to go in terms of explaining the difficulties that families in trouble are facing. On the one hand, it would be good to give him a range of examples that make fostering clearer. On the other - wouldn't it tempt him to then question any potential FC about their family problems in some detail?..

The reason we would like to try fostering is similar to other people's on this forum. We would like to give something back to others. We're past our hardest years of getting on our feet, and we have established careers. Our own kids are happy and are now at a stage when we can comfortably offer some love, space and support to another kid.

Thanks for reading this! Any comments/advice welcome.

Thank you sharenicely, all very useful!

Hi Glenshee - my 9+ figure was because I was thinking of a child 2 years older than your 7 year old, which wouldn't be a good idea, given that your child would lose his place as the eldest child in the family. Many people in your position think it would be good to have 2 children of the same age, but it isn't a good idea. With fostered children, there is usually a big gap between their chronological age and their emotional age, which is much younger and having to compete with birth children of the same age can be difficult.

However I guess there are exceptions as sharenicely demonstrates. It isn't so much a "rule" about the age gap, but is thought to be good practice looking at the needs of the birth children and fostered children. So much depends on the individual children, and I'm sure you will work something out if you are still positive about fostering. I wouldn't think it would be 2 years to behonest but not sure as again all LAs are different.

I'm a foster carer and the LA are very sniffy about full time work, in fact even with current placement being nearly 14 they are not allowed keys and I have to be here until she goes to school (8.45) and must be at home by 3.30.

Increasingly it seems that they are becoming very cautious, in fact the last conversation I had about it they said she couldn't be at home on her own under 16. So this if course means no full time work. And even if there was childcare for 13-16 year olds it would cost £8 per hour which they wouldn't pay for.

Also, any baby sitters must be crb checked and in fact my local authority recommended us not to have a male babysitter (crb, nursery nurse, former nanny)

Not disagreeing with Laurie at all because all LAs are different, but my husband and I have been fostering for over 6 years now and we both work full-time. I work in a school which obviously helps. More and more foster carers in our area are apparently working now.

Machakos - thank you for your encouraging message. I think giving up work is not what many people can afford, and with all the uncertainty in the government sector it can't be wise to be fully reliant on fostering income alone.

I'll see what the situation is like in our LA. Have arranged for the info pack to be sent to us, and will go to an info evening very soon.

Update.

I went to an Information Evening which was very useful. For me the important questions to clarify were:

1. Is a spare bedroom an absolute must? - and the asnwer I was given was 'Yes' and they will not be able to start my application without it.

2. Can we both continue to work as we do now: me full-time but flexible, my husband: school hours. The answer was - yes that's fine for long-term fostering, but not for short-term where they require at least one person not to work.

3. I have also asked about fees and allowances, so that I can compare it with our current salaries. I was told that they will get back to me with the figures, and I assumed that the SW is simply avoiding the question, - however I was pleasantly surprised to receive a letter in a couple of days with detailed information. I have to say figures were rather disappointing; if one of us were to give up work to take up fostering it would be an enormous drop in income for us.

4. Are we likely to be busy most of the time? The answer was - yes, there is a great need for foster carers, and there are consistently more children to place than foster carers available.

The meeting was very pleasant and the lady which was allocated to me was very positive and encouraging, but also clear on the requirements (points covered above).

So, for the time being fostering will have to wait until our circumstances change. As it is we cannot afford to lose a large chunk of our income and at the same time increase our expenses by moving to a bigger house.

Thanks again everyone who took the time and trouble to respond - I do appreciate it - and hopefully this information will be helpful to others...