Becoming a foster parent

[Glenshee]

Hi everyone. I have started looking into fostering, and would appreciate your thoughts. I have read a lot of other threads here in this section and I'm so impressed with how helpful and supportive experienced foster parents were to those who are only at the beginning of their journey.

Our situation: 2 kids of our own, currently 7 and 4 years old. We'd be looking at fostering children of primary school age. We think we would be comfortable with any kids of roughly the same age as oldest, and below, although of course having a FC that is younger than my both children would be a perfect match. We'd prefer short-term fostering initially.

Potential issue number 1. We have a spare bed in the kids bedroom but no spare room (2 bedroom flat). However all the rooms are mega-spacious - kids bedroom is 5m x 2m. Space isn't a substitute for a separate room of course, but given that there is no spare room, I feel it is important to note that there is a lot of space. To be honest, we wouldn't mind, and can afford, to move to a larger house, but apart from fostering there wouldn't be any real reason for us to go through the pain of moving right now. So it's a bit of a vicious circle -- fostering requires a spare bedroom, but the reason for us to get a spare bedroom would be actual, real fostering, - not something that might happen if we're successful and lucky in one or two years!

Longer term, in 4-5 years, we will be moving anyway, so that kids can have separate rooms, and at this point we can consider getting a spare bedroom for any potential foster children. But we're trying to see whether there's any chance for us to start fostering before then.

Potential issue number 2. We both work, and have well-paid jobs. DH runs his own business, and works during school hours. He takes kids to/from school, and mostly stays with kids during school holidays. I work 9 to 5, but employer is very flexible and family-friendly. Leave is generous, and I have taken a lot of time off at short notice in the past to be with children whenever necessary. On top of generous annual leave I take about 2 weeks a year of unpaid leave, to spend more time with the kids. Neither of us wants to give up the job completely for the sake of fostering, as this would effectively be a change of lifestyle. Money is a factor, but it's not only about money, it's about the right balance, and we feel that what we have now is balanced in a way that works for us and for the kids.

Practical question 1. Who would I approach as a first step? LA or IFA or both? If IFA then how many and how do you choose them? Is it possible that different organisations will have different view on the issues above?

Practical question 2. At what stage, and how, do you involve children? Is it worth me seeing LA/IFA first, then if they seem encouraging talk to kids, or the other way around? Also, - how do you do it with kids that age? I expect a long list of questions from my 7 year old, who likes to analyse everything, and will no doubt try his best at understanding this. I just don't know how far to go in terms of explaining the difficulties that families in trouble are facing. On the one hand, it would be good to give him a range of examples that make fostering clearer. On the other - wouldn't it tempt him to then question any potential FC about their family problems in some detail?..

The reason we would like to try fostering is similar to other people's on this forum. We would like to give something back to others. We're past our hardest years of getting on our feet, and we have established careers. Our own kids are happy and are now at a stage when we can comfortably offer some love, space and support to another kid.

Thanks for reading this! Any comments/advice welcome.

ok.. very briefly ... for the age you want to foster you NEED a spare room... a FC CANNOT share a room with your own kids... a baby can stay in your room (with our LA its until it is 2yo) but every provider is different..

Most will insist that the child is at least 2 years younger than your youngest

I know of people who work and foster - but I can't stress enough the amount of 'running around', meetings, Health Visitor appointments etc we have... we are both at home - fostering is our FULL TIME job - I guess every LA/IFA will view your work situation differently

Fostering IS A CHANGE OF LIFESTYLE - period - if you are not prepared for this then I'd put it on the back burner until you are ready for the change

I applaud you looking into fostering - but please be under no illusion that it can be very hard, will have a huge impact of your life, your family, your lifestyle... I'm seriously not trying to be negative or put you off, I'm just answering some of your points...

I would think this is way way too early to talk to your kids, mainly due to the points about age & spare room, but also your comment about change of lifestyle rang a few warning bells with me.

Good luck however

BusterTheDonk ? thank you very much for your reply. I do not see it as negative or putting off ? except to the extent that it?s meant to be (as you raise valid points). I recognise and admit that our situation isn?t perfect, but still wonder whether it might be good enough.

I noticed that some people on this forum said that they foster without a spare bedroom, even though it?s not best practice. Equally, some other people posted that they kept the job ? again, not best practice, but perhaps possible?

With regards to lifestyle change ? yes, that?s where some more thinking needs to be done. Not that I?ve not thought about it yet ? it?s just the choice of ?do it much later when the circumstances are 100% right? or ?do it now, and get to those 100% right circumstances over the next 3-5 years anyway?. Thanks again for your response, it?s much appreciated.

Hi Glenshee - I've found the rules round bedrooms are very slightly flexible - I currently have a 2 year old in my room as I only have 1 spare room, already taken, and my LA were desperate for a placement. I would emphasise the SLIGHTLY though!!

Even though you say you have a large room for your own children I very much doubt you'd want to put a foster child in with your own children. I love my FC to bits but there's no escaping the fact that they all come with emotional baggage and need watching VERY closely around other children - one child I had would be extremely loving towards my other placement whenever she could see I was watching, but would hit or push him over the second my back was turned. I wouldn't like to have them in the same room overnight!

Finally, I have to agree with BtheD about the lifestyle change - your life simply isn't your own anymore once you begin fostering. Every decision you make is questioned, even if it doesn't concern the foster kids! On the plus side the children I have fostered have all changed my life in a hugely positive way and I wouldn't choose any other job (and it most definitely IS a job!)

It's great you are thinking of fostering. It would be helpful for you to get someone from soc services around to chat to clarify things for you.

I think if you dont have a spare room you would only be approved for under 2's with some LAs and probably not at all with other LAs and all agencies.

If you can only take under 2's you will have possible long gaps in placements as LAs are not short of people willing to take little ones.

Also, it would be almost impossible for say your husband to work from home as if the child is a baby he/she would normally have daily contact with family and lots of other meetings and professional involvement and if the child is a toddler well....they are toddling everywhere!!

I think it is lovely you are thinking of this but if you are serious I would say ss will be looking for a spare room and an agency would be looking for a spare room and someone to give up work.
Good luck,
and
Let us know how you get on.

By the way, meant to say, we are not called 'foster parents' these days! Children who come to us nearly always have their own parents and wouldn't want new ones. They call you by your first name.

You will be surprised what ss will allow when their desperate

My la allow all babies under two to sleep in the carers room

Some las don't allow it until their desperate of course

But I would never ever recommend you having a foster child share a room with your birth children

Working and fostering would be difficult my la would not allow a foster carer to work when caring for a child not in full time school as nursery/ childminders would be very unsettling for a child

bonnieslilsister sorry but I strongly disagree

We are called foster parents and the la encourage the CHILDREN to call us what they are comftable with my fc calls us mum and dad

We don't encourage it we refer to each other by our names but it should always be child led

Cannot think of anything more cruel than to tell a child you don't call me that call be by my First name.

scarlet5tyger - thank you - very up to the point and helpful. Your example about foster child needing very close supervision is loud and clear! Definitely taken on board.

We would like to take older children, not under 2s, who go to school full-time (at least in theory!) so that there is some space left for our jobs. I would be prepared to cut down work hours significantly, if needed, but I wouldn't want to give up work completely. So slight deviations on the bedroom front don't really help us much...

bonnieslilsister - we won't be taking under 2's. Working from home with a baby/toddler is a total impossibility, I agree. And as I said earlier we need some space and time left for our jobs. At least that's the 'plan'. (Which might be as 'useful' and realistic as a birthplan, LOL - and we understand this).

maypole1 - "But I would never ever recommend you having a foster child share a room with your birth children" - thanks for this, sounds pretty convincing to me.

I wonder whether it's worth talking to LA with the view of:

1. Confirming that spare bedroom is an absolute must, and we can't go any further before this is sorted; (or perhaps we can? how about doing all the necessary courses etc? would we be allowed to?)

2. Finding out more about further steps following our move to a bigger place - so basically assuming the bedroom will get sorted, - then what are other things to be aware of? (Would they talk to me about future plans like this? or would I basically just waste their time in their opinion?)

IMO you should NOT consider fostering a child older than your own. You have a very rosy view of fostering, and you need to know these kids are damaged, sometime VERY damaged and need far more than average/ normal parenting.
Fostering impacts every facet of your life, and challenges your ideals and patience, as well as your time and famiy.
It is a wonderful thing to do, but is very very hard.

hmm.. on the discussion about Foster Parents... I too was told in no uncertain terms that we are NOT to be called anything OTHER THAN our own names.. .not even AUNTY BUSTER... we are not their parents, nor their aunty etc...

I know, I know - we do a Parents role, but its now very UNPC to call ourselves Foster Parents - we are Foster Carers..

I think its particularly hard when you have your own LO's in the house who obviously call you Mum, Dad etc.. and then to have to single out the FC and say you can't call us that... a real hard one...

Yes, I was told that too Buster. I am surprised at what you say Maypole. Maybe this is different in different areas.

I think it would be more confusing for a child to call someone else 'Mum' or 'Dad' after knowing their own mum and dad and presumingly carrying on contact with them.

I can see if you are long term fostering a child and they are wanting to call you Mum that is ok but when it is short term, for a year or two and then possibly moving on to adoptive parents......how do you explain that to them. Mums and dads are meant to be with you forever. For one mum to disappear is bad enough but for another ( and possibly a few more as children do move placements for various reasons even tho it is not ideal for them to do so).

bonnieslilsister I think this is the whole issue with fostering different la have different policies on things to be fair I don't feel that ok with it but I was tild in no uncertain terms I cannot tell the child what they should call me unless they ask
That it should be child led

AllThreeWays - "You have a very rosy view of fostering" - this is by all means a possibility.

Then again I guess you can't understand the full impact unless you try it for real. I have already read a lot about it, so can't go much further 'theoretically', plus it may mean nothing anyway!

We thought we were prepared for our own children. But we were not. We thought we'd know how happy they'll make us - but no, we didn't!

So there's only so far you can go with preparation...

There is, you are right in that. However I'm not sure, and I may be wrong, that you are prepared for facing the traumas that these children have experienced and how that will impact on the child and your family on a daily basis.

The most innocent of actions can trigger traumatic memories for a child resulting in a really difficult time for all. Poor attachment can cause realk difficulties for these children in terms of regulating their behaviour and you, and your children, could be faced with violence and aggresssion, overly sexualised behaviour. You may find yourself having to fight for services for the child that should be in place but aren't for a number of reasons, you may disagree with the plansd on what the child needs and many many more challenging situations.

If you are prepared to accept that great. Certainly go ahead and make enquiries. Obviously you are now aware that you need the extra room, so be sure to let the LA/IFA know that when you contact them.

If this is for you, then good luck and hope it al works out. xx

shaz298 - thank you for your advice. (It's so early in the day as well - much much appreciated).

Useful, as always!..

Only found out yesterday that my landlord applied for bankruptcy. So in all likelihood we will be moving out at some point next year, and this is an opportunity to resolve the extra bedroom issue.

I will be contacting LA/IFA to get their view on our suitability. Will keep you posted.

Just to add my encouragement, Glenshee, as it's wonderful that you are considering becoming foster carers.
We currently have one placement, a baby, and our own children are 5 and 8. Dh are and I also self-employed, working from home. Combining all of this with fostering is certainly challenging, but it's not impossible.
I would say don't underestimate the amount of time that fostering takes up - all the meetings, reviews, paperwork, not to mention contact, or the impact that another little person has on your household. It is, however, hugely rewarding, and has been for us and our children.
I would recommend you talk to your LA, and take it from there. Yes, fostering requires you to change some aspects of your life, but not all of them; I would encourage anyone to take a good look at fostering to see if they can do it, as there are too many children that need a good home. Ultimately, though, if it simply isn't possible (time/space restrictions) now, then there's no harm in waiting a year or two and re-assessing the situation then.
x

I don't know if you are aware of the whole system?

From removal, then being placed, sometimes at least twice before coming to you.

So what you can have is a very confused, frightened child. Helping the child to overcome that is a fantastic feeling, but it is time consuming and can be draining. Routines are usually non exsistant, or the child regresses.

At first family, including any appropriate family can get daily 'contacts', so you will have to be available to drop off and pick up the child, if contact goes ahead (family don't always turn up). You are lucky if you can plan your days, if the child is at school this can include evenings and weekends.

You will be asked to attend the meeting which changes the plan from a CP to LAC. Ideally you should take the child to a LAC medical and/or any hospital appointments (missed appointments are common issues).

Then you will have LAC reviews etc. The LA will want consistancy, so ideally the child will stay in the same playgroup/school.
Both living far from and close to the contact center/school brings their own issues. You should get good advice on possible consequences.

You and/or your children/family may be identified by the birth family and you need to be aware of that.

Sometimes contact resumes because mum is pregnant again and wants to keep the one she is having, so wants contact resumed, within that will be possible sibling/half sibling contact.

My LA has foster carers come in, during training and talk through the best/ worst possible aspects.

I am not being negative just giving information. Every child has their own set of circumstances and depending on your LA, areas have their own social problems and reasons why children are in foster care.

You do have the right to refuse a child offered by the LA if you don't think you can manage their issues.

Glenshee - I have 30 years experience as a sw and tm mgr in fostering & adoption for a LA - am now retired. I agree with all the posts that you have received, pointing out some of the realities of fostering. Only thing I can't agree with is Maypole (fc calling you mum and dad) that is not right, and young children do sometimes copy birth children but need to be corrected. Birth parents are often hostile enough to foster carers for obvious reasons but if they hear their kids calling the fcs "mum and dad" this will cause them a great deal of distress.

Ok - I think Glenshee you are a bit hooked up on this spare bedroom issue and I don't see that as the main concern. Your children are 4 and 7 and there needs to be at least a 2 year gap between birth children and foster children (yes I know SSD don't always stick to this when they are desparate to place) but it is in the best interests of foster children and birth children that there is this gap. SO you are talking about under 2 (or 3) if your youngest is nearly 5, and you have made it quite clear that you want a school aged child. SO you are talking about a child aged 9 years + and it is not a good idea to place a child who is older than your oldest child, as he/she loses his/her place as the oldest child in the family.

I don't mean to sound too harsh, but children who are fostered (as has been pointed out to you) are very very emotionally needy because of their pre placement experiences and need someone to care for them who is both physically and emotionally available to them. Given that you are keen to stay employed I just don't think fostering is the way for you to go at this stage in your lives. I would be concerned that you think that a foster child can just be "slotted" into your family and things will remain much as they are at present. This is simply not the case. Children of all ages who have been abused/neglected present many behavioural problems for foster carers and I'm not sure that you are aware of this, which in fairness is not surprising, given that you are only considering things.

Do talk to LA or IFAs and take it from there.............

bottersnike - thanks for sharing your positive experience. Yes, I was exactly thinking that if our current circumstances are not seen as suitable by LA (an on reflection by us ourselves), then at least I would like to have all the information available to me, for the future.

I also keep wondering where are these wonderful people who have spare bedroom(s), money (so as not to be completely dependent on payments from LA), and also have time and energy to look after somebody else's kids. Is it realistic to expect this from the current generation, who mostly only have their own kids in their 30s at best, also mostly for financial reasons... Do these people even exist? Or do you have to travel back in time to see them? I guess I will know better after I've talked to LA.

Birdsgottafly - you gave useful and very detailed information, thank you. When you say that "you have the right to refuse a child offered by the LA if you don't think you can manage their issues" - I wonder how this happens in practice. Presumably you don't get to see the child, only his/her records, and then judge on the basis of those? How much time are you given in reality to consider whether the child is suitable, and how reliable - in practice! - is this information about the child?

NanaNina - it's great to have such detailed input from somebody with a wealth of experience. Many thanks.

With regards to the recommended 2 year gap between my youngest and the foster child, on the basis of what other people have posted in this forum, I was assuming that the whole process of getting approved will take up to 2 years. This then means that a potential 4 y.old foster child will be already 2 years younger than my youngest (who'll be six) - and so from then on an ideal gap of 2 yrs becomes possible. I'm not quite sure where your 9 years old+ number comes from? I was suggesting same age as oldest (currently 7) - as a 'not perfect', but in my view totally manageable option. But I agree that a 2 year gap with the youngest will work better.

When you're saying that I may not be aware of the impact that the foster child will make on the family, what would you suggest as ways of becoming better aware?

Hi Glenshee lots of advice already . You really need to speak to your la as mine don't have 'the foster child must be the youngest' rule.

The process for me took approx 18 months my ds was 16 mths when i started the assessment and when I was finally approved he was 3 . I was approved for 4 - 8 year olds and currently have an 8 year old girl with me and it works really well for us.
You don't get to see records first , at least I didn't. I suppose if they are coming from another foster career you may , but quite often you will only get a few hours notice of a placement.

I think I'm really lucky in that my little girl is mainly a lovely little thing who is happy to be here. She is challenging at times but nothing of any concern.
If you are moving house then start the ball rolling as things take so long. Good luck and keep us informed.