Ok-what do you think...

[threeandcounting]

Hello

We have been fostering since may and since then have had the same lo placed with us since birth. Review in Nov where it is expected that a decision will be made with regards to long term plan (my sw has said come to terms with fact he may not be here at Christmas..)

Our birth children have been great all through fostering process and whilst lo was settling in (first couple of weeks were a bit of a rough ride!) so I decided to take them on away for the weekend in December (abroad) and will be away from fri afternoon until sun afternoon.

If lo is still with us I have arranged for them to stay with family friend who is also a reg childminder.

Have just spoken to a mum at the school gates who had heard about this and was saying that she didnt think it was fair..

Feel a bit crap about it, and felt kind of guilty leaving lo in the first place.....

well, you weren't to know if he'd still be with you in December.. so I wouldn't be too hard on yourself...

a comment from a mum at the school gates shouldn't worry you.. she's not you or living your life when he first came... and the difficulties you all faced..(and will face when he moves on)

you are right to consider your children and it sounds like a wonderful treat for them - they've had to share you for this long..

Timing sounds a little unfortunate thats all ... maybe he'll have gone by then anyway?

Its easy to forget that apparently we have a life too, despite fostering and must continue in that vein despite all the uncertainties we face regarding our placements

Go and enjoy... and don't worry what other people think... they haven't got a clue how it really is to foster (DH met someone the other day who said they'd rather poke glass in their own eyes than look after other people's children )

HTH

Thanks for that, it has kind of reassured me. I am just starting to get the reality of the uncertainty of how long a placement will last!

It is the first weekend in December, so (hopefully!) if he is still with us at Christmas we can give lo a great first one!

And what does HTH mean.... (something probably really obvious that I havent got.....!)

Agree with buster, what the school gate mum said was really mean and she has no idea of everything fostering entails.

It's not like the lo will realise you've all been on a holiday and she hasn't.

Just curious has your childminder been approved by social services and had a new crb check.
I'm finding it such a struggle with my La, all babysitters have to have a new crb check (even childminders) and I'm only allowed 2. but I know all La's are very different.

oh and hth means hope that helps

Hi Threeandcounting - I don't want to come over as being overly critical of you, but I just think in the interests of confidentiality it is best not to discuss any aspect of fostering and arrangements that are made with "mums at the school gate" - naturally they will be curious when you turn up with a new baby child and some of the nosy ones ask why you have him/her. Best then to just say "his parents can't look after him at the moment" and usually that works!

I too wonder about the child being left with a childminder as they are registered with OFSTED. LA children need to be placed with an approved foster carer, so I would check that out unless you already have. However it seems from a post above that LA children are left with childminders so long as they have an up to date CRB.

Hope you enjoy your holiday.

No I meant that a childminder would still have to be crb checked to babysit, I don't think I could leave my little one with anyone who wasn't a foster carer. (apart from babysitting in an evening)

I also would have told the school mum that the little one was staying with a childminder though, if that was the case, is that breaking confidentiality?
I find that aspect realy hard as my fc is a big part of my life and I do talk about her.

I chat about mine. Just in general terms without going too into the nitty gritty of stuff.

I do think its a very important point raised in this thread about confidentiality.. I know for sure I've said too much at times... being completely honest, I guess I'm boasting about what I do Thank you for the reminder dear Nana Nina

I was once told even the fact that you are a Foster Carer should be on a need to know basis - as the child who is obviously in placement with you is in 'care' (data protection issues)

I attend toddler groups and happily allow other people to think I'm a childminder or maybe 'dads girlfriend'.. I don't correct them...

A welcome reminder to me at least to be careful about 'idle chat' - this is a very small world and its not our information to chat about...

Obviously confidentiality is essential, just don't be surprised if information somehow gets out (for example, everyone in church knows we are foster carers as they all wanted to know how come I had acquired another lo so quickly!). People talk, so information gets around.
Don't feel guilty, op, you are doing an amazing thing, and a weekend with just your children will be magical :)

Yes I agree with nannania regular parents don't really understand about how quickly things can change and also the fact their are some things your just nit allowed to do with foster children

I have booked a holiday next year and to be fair if we have a child they will have to go to respite unless we can get a passport I have gone two years with out a holiday cannot book last minute as the cost would be out of this world and you can't book in advance for a child you don't have

On the not letting people know it gets tricky when you have older ones they call you a foster mum out loud .

I'm sure most fcs have said more than necessary at times BtheD - it's called being human! However it is a small world and now that most children are fostered within their own neighbourhood if possible, it is very important not to give any information. I don't see anything wrong with people knowing you are a foster carer - it's not the secret service after all!

I remember a very experienced and competent foster carer told a volunteer worker at a family centre (who happened to live near her) all about the twins she was fostering and the fact that one of them had been blinded by the assault upon him (which wasn't actually the case, although there were concerns about the baby's sight) The volunteer who was known as a gossip then spread this around all and sundry.

So it goes to show that sometimes your tongue runs away with you, as was the case with this f-c and she thought it was ok as the woman was a volunteer at a family centre, but she also disliked this woman and thought she was a gossipy type. We had to have serious talks but I think this was a salutory lesson for the f-c involved. Trouble is when things get passed on, people quite often add a bit on to what they have been told, and the story can become grossly exaggerated.

I can just imagine the talk on my street if my neighbours didn't know I was a foster carer - I think they'd be reporting ME to social services as they've all arrived with their own (very noisy) issues! They know to expect a few sleepless nights (or months in the current case) and have been great about lending me toys for different ages when I get a child out of my usual age range. Yes they did ask why the children were with me at first but I always got away with saying "baby can't live with parents at the moment" and was never pressed any further.

If it helps, I left my LO's in respite this year and they had a great time - one didn't want to come home!!

Yes I think it's the way you say it isn't scarlet5tyger. You can say it in such a way that doesn't invite any more questions, unless you get someone extremely nosey and then you just have to say "sorry but the circumstances are confidential" in a pleasant voice!

Thanks for all the replies! Have had a very busy few days!

Good advice-what a steep learning curve this year has been