Help Advice Needed!!!

[SmilerJane]

Hello to anyone that replys :-D

I had a call friday last week and have been askes by a friends sw to take on my god daughter. If my friend loses her battle to keep her DD of 2 1/2 then they want me to apply to take her on (my friend put my name forward)

We have 3 DC 9 4 and 8mth
my partner has 2 Dc 6 and 4 who we see every now and then.

I know some of what we would have to go through ie crb check/personal history..

My father has on the sex offenders register (but not serious long story but 1 silly mistake)

I'm worried if this will affect us going for fostering till she's 16 ect..

Any advice given will be apprecitated

I think you would have to have a room for her. They will carry out an assessment including all your family, crb checks for all, they will need references and a panel meeting. Your father may affect things but they may require supervised contacts where he is concerned. Not sure on that one really but honesty is prob best policy with your social workers.
Hope it works out well for you.

Thanks for replying to this..

My dad isnt allowed to be alone with my kids for the next 2 yrs even tho he is certainly not a danger to them... its silly what he got done for but hey its done now and nothing anyone can do..
references shouldnt be hard as i have my daughters gran that would do one but do they have to be none family/friend related if you know what i mean..
if we moved into the smaller bedroom the girls could have our bigger room so where she'd fit isnt a problem as id even sleep downstairs to make room and keep her safe and happy..
My partner now tho has not spoke to me about this and deep down i know he doest want to help jojo (by the way he was last night after i wrote this) so i may just have to go see jojo and spend what time i can before they take her an i'll never see her ever again :(
Oh it breaks my heart but i know if he is like he is now during meetings ect theres no way this house/our relationship will be stable enough for her and we'll lose anyway... He was ok at 1st but now he just wont talk to me about how he feels or what he wants.. no matter how much i try talking to him..
I was having nightmares last night of her being ripped from her mum and me and going into care/adopted where bad things happened to her.. My only question to myself now is how do i say NO and live with knowing i could of helped her grow to a beautiful lovely lil girl all because my man is selfish and just dont wat to be bothered with SS..
He just hasnt got a big heart like me..
I've always wanted to foster but now i realise it'll never ever happen :(
Gutted

awww smilerjane maybe you can talk to him because men are more wary, my dh was like this in our situation. I hope this works out for you, don't give up just yet.

i have tried talking but he not really talking back.. I think if something bad happened to my friend then he would but the fact this is her fault is why he dont want to.. I have arranged to travel 160 mile in the next few weeks to go see the boys and jojo...
He's not wary he said he dont want to look after other peoples kids but great with our familys kids.
If she does go for adoption i'm sure she'll be happy as it will be with someone who really wants a lil girl..
Just have to accept i have a big heart and love all kids and he isnt like me..
I do love him but he can be so callous sometimes..
I have to give up now or i'll torment myself for the rest of my life... Maybe i'll get my way with fostering when our kids have grown up then i can do what i have always wanted to do..
If i'm honest it wouldnt be fair on jojo bringing her into a stressed house as i know i wouldnt have support off any of my family or him now and WILL cause major tiffs if i go ahead.. I cant do it alone..
Why do i feel like i'm letting jojo own tho :(

Sorry to hear smilerjane and I hope you are able to foster in the future. You are right adoption is probably the best because she will have a mummy and daddy that really want a child. Where as complications could set in i.e. like you say stress etc and then the problems of child living with you and how mum will cope with that. We have our gs living with us and I had family support and still things haven't been easy. You wouldn't be human if you didn't have sad feelings.

Sorry smilerjane - apart from anything else I think you have quite enough on your plate with a total of 5 children between you and your P. The last thin you need is another young child who will almost certainly have suffered neglect or abuse and this will manifest itself in all sorts of ways. Also I don't think it fair that this little girl has to share her mummy with so many other children. She needs to be the youngest child in a family, and as you say she has an excellent chance at her age of being adopted by a loving family.

I don't think it was very professional of the sw to contact you and you say your friend "put you forward" - this is not how it should work. Your friend could have told her sw about you and the sw should have said "ask her to get in touch if she is interested" - can't think what your friend was thinking of as you already have 5 children between you and your P.

In any event I can tell you that because of your father being a Schedule 1 offender (no matter how silly the mistake) you would be highly unlikely to be approved.

Smilerjane, pinkchoccy is not a fostercarer but has gaurdianship of her grandson so only knows about her own situation.

Listen to Nananina, she really knows her stuff.

Yes I a gee pichocky has limited experience with fc as she is not a foster carer and had very limited contact with the one her gs lived with

Smilerjane

You know in your heart of hearts that it will not be viable for you to take on another child. You already have enough on your plate.

Don't be too hard on your OH. Lots of men feel unable to bring up a child who is not biologically theirs.

It will do more damage to the the LO to be brought up in a family who are raising her out of a sense of loyalty to a friend. As you have rightly said your home environment will be stressful for you all. Children need to be loved unconditionally and welcomed into a family. They need to have similar opportunities and warmth as your own children. You have already realised this won't happen.

The best thing for this child is to be adopted into a family where she will be very much wanted and loved unconditionally.

Sorry if that is not what you wanted to hear.

Hi fostering, I have never said that I was a foster carer, but was passed as a foster carer initially. We became special gaurdians after we were passed as foster carers. We actually had a bad experience with our foster care and social services picked up on this also. That is why the contact was limited. What i have had experience with is a my gs going into care and what the assessment consisted of and the courexperiences.
Fostering I do only know about my own situation and what I would have wanted for my gs and what any child deserves. I agree with nananina if you have read what I have written. This is actually mumsnet and comments are permitted on any subject.

As a foster carer I had to attend all gsons appointments and meetings. I agree totally that a child should be within a family where they are loved unconditionally. Personal digs at me not good fostering! You seem to know a lot about me and my experiences? How do you actually know what fostering experience or training I have had?

that should say and the court experiences.

Pinkchoccy, because you have told us all on mumsnet all about your experience in what seems like great detail. You have also appeared on many fostering threads now and I don't think you are a mainstream fostercarer.

Nananina always provides very balanced advise which could only come from someone with a wealth of experience.

I think your response to this original post was very relevent because smilerjane's situation was slightly similiar to yours, but she was probably expecting advice from foster carers. Your first response did not make it clear that you are not a foster carer as you go on to mention above.

You are also very anti foster carers from your own very personal experience but foster carers need a forum to support each other. Please.

I agree this is a site for supporting foster cares which you are NOT their is a thread for grandparents maybe that would suit you better

As you are a grand parent not a carer and clearly have issues with cares

Fostering and maypole1 you have hijacked smilerjanes thread to dig personal comments at me!!
I commented as I have had a similar experience. This is mumsnet all comments welcome. I understand that all subjects are to support. I am not anti foster carers? I am anti pre judgement. Mumsnet suits me better as I am a mum foremost. I am also trained to degree level and have a wealth of experience with vulnerable young people. You have already pre -judged that I don't know anything about foster care. Amazing!
Maypole1 do you not think that all people who look after children that were taken into care family or not don't have any advice or need any?
Well I gave my opinion because what I read I had experience with. I have only commented also on the speeding up of adoptions not on many fostering threads???

Sorry smilerjane I seem to have become an issue.

Add message | Report | Message poster pinkchoccy Wed 02-Mar-11

09:47:24
corsa100 my grandson was placed in
foster care giving his mum a chance and rightly so. Social services had no time to assess us in time if the need arised for us to be fall back carers. I think social services should have placed mum and baby in a mother and baby unit. In a caring and nurturing environment. We visited baby and mum when gs was born and all my family wanted to support. Social services wouldn't allow this. I am not qualified and to near the problem at the time to help as my son was grandsons dad. Social services didn' want us to be involved with the problems and told us strictly not to be. Our social worker informed us that gs should have been placed with us, not foster care but they couldn't assess in time. Mother didn't stay with foster carere for more than two weeks. Our feelings were that we would look after gs financially as we could afford to. So waste of money for social services. Money didn't come into it for us. No interest in the money just number one priority our grandson it's as simple as that.
It is the foster carers job as she is being paid to help and show mum how to look after baby not make her feel incapable. Our family helped mum and dad by buying clothes, gifts etc. The day gs left when I picked him up he left with two plastic bags of clothes and that was it!!! Where was his things ? Social services said she should pass them on she didn't? It was her job to make sure he received his immunisations, but she refused to chase them up as she said social services should have this under control. When he came to live with us I sorted his immunisations out. She would verbally

call the social workers to me when picking gson up for contacts. Made me feel

very awkward and uncomfortable is that professional? He was throwing sick out with reflux all the time where he smelt and his clothes were always wet through. I mentioned this all the time to her. She did nothing. When he came to live with us I mention

this to health visitor she said he had a reflux problem changed his milk and he was fine. On a contact he was screaming, he had a long hair fastened tightly around his little finger. It was swollen and red. It took great care to remove he was so distressed. Thank God he came to live with us.
I found the situations with the foster carer very difficult, mum didn't stand a chance.
Gs is a very happy child in his birth family.

Add message | Report | Message poster pinkchoccy Mon 28-Feb-11 16:49:06
The foster carer didn't have grandsons mother for more than two weeks. She left due to the foster carer not being helpful but more taking over. She didn't feel comfortable as she is from a very humble background. The foster carer had a massive house and was considerably well off.

placement to us, and told us he should never have been placed there. I thought the costs / burden what ever you like to call it paid to fostercarer was absolutely ridiculous and a waste of money because we were already planned carers but lack of time and resources were the cause. Outrageous

SHALL I GO THESE THREADS ARE NOT FOR PEOPLE WHO KNOCKING US BUT FOR SUPPORT

these comments you have copied and pasted were written by me in reply to other comments maypole1 you know that. This is not supportive to smilerjane you should have started another thread, How very rude! This topic isn't about speeding up adoptions. I have replied to posts with my opinion and with facts. Sorry it has upset you so much and you have takin it so personal. Mine was a true experience sadly for my gs. Not an attack on you maypole1. But unfortunately anybody may comment on these threads.

Pinkchoccy. I think the thing that have upset lots of FC on here is that you jumped in with two feet saying that the adption process is too quick.

Actually, from what you have posted, it seems that your own GS was moved to you quickly. Real FC's know that the adoption process moves too slowly, in support of birth parents. By the time the process concludes the children are too old to be adopted.

You can only comment on your own experience with your GS. FC's know different as they have been holding the children for a very long and frustrating time! All children deserve a forever home with parents who love them. Where they are made to feel special. This is not happening because the adoption process allows birth parents and birth family to hijack their child's future happiness.

I am sorry to be blunt but FC's are seeing this time and time again. Your GS case is not the "norm".

Thanks FTNC

Hi fishtankneedscleaning, I didn't jump in with two feet as regards to saying the adoption process was too quick. I just posted my opinion as regards to that I am glad things are not speeded up as some families deserve a chance. I wondered how it would have worked out for us if that was the case.
I agree with what you have posted fishtank. I was not attacking anybody personally on here. It wasn't aimed at anybody directly. Maybe we are not the norm but were treated that way.