First Placement

[cornishsue]

Hello Everyone,

I hope some of you more experienced foster carers can help me with my current concern.

Having recently been approved for 2/3 children 0-11, we were approached immediately regarding a lovely young boy, aged 8. We met him last week and seemingly all went well. However my 13 year old daughter, who has until now been extremely supportive of our dream to foster, was simply very uncomfortable in his presence. While my 18 year old daughter and 19 year old son were very positive, she felt (in her words) "freaked out" by him. And he, perhaps sensing this, seemed to take an instant dislike to her too. She does say she will not to show it and try to be more positive on our next meeting this week.

I am now somewhat torn. Should I, as my daughter says, 'go ahead anyway' or should I listen to my daughter's gut feeling? And looking at it from the foster child's position, is it fair to bring him into a household where one person feels uncomfortable in his presence? I feel we could help him, but is that enough?

Though perhaps my real question is, how will our agency feel if we 'say no' to this, our first, placement? In the real world would this go against us in future?

Thank you so much!

It's hard to say but I think you have to take your daughter's feelings into account. We foster but we don't have our own children so we don't have the same dilemmas.
Speak to the supervising social worker though and be open and honest with them about what is happening.

i think you need to find out why if its a acse she simply doent like him then i would go over agaian that these children that are coming into to your family are should not be regarded as a buddy for them.

we have explained to our son 12 that these are not his friends oif they end up being close then grate but he must not jugde this on whom they would like to spoend time wit.

we have had afew children over the years who our lo would not nessiarly spend time with had they not be made to live with each other and turns out he cried the most when they wnet

i am not sure why your lo has resavations but if she has not spent more than a couple of hours with himm then you could judge her resvations may be not be based on anything to deep or may be after all this talk its really happaning and she feeling a bit of the green eyed moster in which case all you can do is show her what a big help she can be as the big sister to these children and also no matter what child moves in she will still have time and love from you.

are big issue was at first lo thinking he was getting a playmate but i dose seem she is feeling a little insecure to what her role is now with in the family i think letting her know that even though she is no longer the baby she has a new role in being the big sis and maybe getting your oldest to give a pep talk about the trust and fun in being a older sis might help

I would respect your daughters feelings. Much better to refuse the placement now than further down the line which will cause huge upset to the child and leave you with a disruption meeting and no placements while things settle down.

Speak to your daughter and your supervising social worker and perhaps wait for a female placement and perhaps a younger placement to start with.

Fostering do you think it is because the lo is a he?

Maypole1 - no idea, but if birth daughter feels uncomfortable I don't think it will be a good start for the LO, the foster family or the daughter.

She may prefer a girl so they have more in common, just a thought.

From my own experience I know how harrowing it is when a placement breaks down, and I'm just the carer!

Thanks for your replies:

Purple - I will speak to our SW, yes. Though as I say I am concerned about how they will view a 'no'.

Maypole - some great advice there - especially the 'big sister' part. I'd be surprised if her feelings were just because he was a boy, but I will talk to her some more.

Fostering - I am told there are very few girls other than teenage requiring fostering, and the likeihood of getting a younger girl is almost nill - is that correct do you think?

I'll talk to our SW tomorrow. Thanks again!

Yes the majority are boys , I think you need to go back again and have oa chat I reall don't think this about male or female as I have already stated even if you did get a girl their is no grantee they will have more in common with your lo and your lo must understand they are not campaigns for her , I always hope the children wil be firm friends but just like having birth siblings it's simply pot luck as to weather they tolerate each other or are firm friends

Are you sure that your dd feelings are not around the idea of fostering becoming a reality?

I have to say for our DD the novelty of fostering is wearing off. She's 10, and we're looking after a 5yr boy and his baby brother. She's fine with the baby, but there is a definite clash between her and the 5yr old.
It's a strain :-(

I agree with snakes and ladders. It's all very well talking to children about fostering and them being very positive they can't have any idea what it is really like (nor can you really) until it's happened.

I think SSD will certainly see it like this and I don't think you can go forward on the basis of awaiting a placement that your daughter is happy with. Don't forget she is at an awkward age and is in a sense losing her place as the youngest child in the family.

You say your approval is for 2/3 children from 0 -11. Can you really manage 3 children in this age range. Hope the LA are sensible enough to only start you off with one and see how you get on. Also 0 -11 is a big age range and some middle years children can be very difficult. Maybe your daughter was fantasising about a sweet little baby girl and then she is faced with the reality - an 8 year old boy, but that is the reality. It could be worse for her - he could be 10 or 11!

I think you need to discuss these matters with your entire family and with your link worker and come to some sensible resolution.

I also agree with Snakes and ladders - nevermind your daughter having her doubts when it becomes reality: so did I when I got my first phone call!!!

yes i agree with nannanina

i think you may need to reduce the number of children you are willing to care for and also reduce the age limit that might be an idea

I also agree with NanaNina.

My own children were brought up in a foster family. I explained to them that we would be looking after children whose own parents were unable, for whatever reason, to look after them. I made it clear from the start that there would be some children they would like and maybe some they would not like.

I also reassured them that their lives would remain very much the same and they would still be able to have their friends over for tea and that they would not be expected to keep the children entertained.

Some placements they took to straight away, others took a bit longer. All my children are now proud to be part of a foster family.

As this is your first placement your dd is feeling a wee bit vulnerable and scared. I would speak to her about her fears and tell her that it might not be as bad as she thinks it will be. Suggest she gives the boy a chance and if it does not work out then you will cease to foster - Once the child does not need to be cared for bby your family.

You never know she may accept the boy in time. If not, fostering may not be for your family.