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Fostering

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Original poster

When to call it a day.

20 replies

babytinkabell · 12/01/2011 20:39

We have a 13 year old foster d for the last 7 months. We have 2 of our own kids who are 8 and 4. For the first 5 months things with foster d were going really well. The last 2 months have been really hard. She has run away several times, twice in the last 6 days. She is self harming and threatening suicide.
She sees a child psychiatrist and a counsellor who both say there are no psych issues there, just a lot of anger and confusion. She has started saying recently that she doesn't want to live with us, she'd rather slppe on the streets, Before this we were (still are actually) extremely close given the circumstances. She tells me she loves me several times a day, loads of hugs etc. I made the sw address the issue with her of her not wanting to live here. She apologised and said it wasn't true, loads of tears. Now she's saying shes scared of my dh, this was her excuse for running away today. She actually told the police this when they found her and brought her back. Dh is so upset. There is no reason for her to be scared of him. He doesn't shout at her or touch her physically to hurt her so I dont know where this has come from and she refuses to say. She is happy to stay at home with him while I go to the shops etc so I dont believe she really feels this way. Things are just so hard with her lately. Shes refusing to go to school, dumping her uniforms, lying. But saying shes scared of my dh and shed rather sleep on the streets than live here is so hard to hear. Her behaviour seems to be getting worse instead of improving. Shes throwing a tantrum now cos I wont bring her to her friends house. This is after her going missing from school at 9.30 this morning, being gone all day, having the police out looking for her, me having to leave work because of it and then telling lies to the police about us. The same thing happened friday. This is affecting our kids now as well. She went missing on my ds 8th birthday and his day was ruined.
I just dont know if this is the right place for her any more. Its absolutley breaking my heart but I dont know what else to do other than suggest the social workers find somewhere else for her. We can't live like this.Dh feels uncomfortable being around her now and we dont know if the lies about us will get worse. Our sws are lovely but are being useless because they really think shes doing well here so they dont want to move her. Sorry, not sure what kind of advice I'm looking for here, I'm just so stressed I need to let it out.

OP posts:

ThatVikRinA22 · 12/01/2011 20:43

thats so hard, i really feel for you.

i take it you know her background? how can there be no phsych issues??? she is having to be fostered ffs!? there must surely be fall out from that fact alone - you sound like you are not getting the support you need and nor does she,

ive no real advice - have you asked her what she would like?

Original poster

babytinkabell · 12/01/2011 21:08

He means that there are no psyhciatric illness present such as bi-polar or depression and that there is no immediate risk of suicide. Her background isn't good but she was never abused in any way or physically neglected. Her mum is cold and unemotional towards her but still has 3 younger children living with her at home. She has a huge amount of support, she has 2 sws, a counsellor she sees weekly, child psych, school, chaplain and yr hd who check in with her regularly. She just wont talk to anyone and explain wats going on.

OP posts:

fairtradefloozy · 12/01/2011 23:15

Sorry for your situation. Can I suggest that document well what she is saying about your DH and phone your SW in the morning and tell them that you are not sure you can continue to commit and why - eg comments about DH.

If there is a risk that your placement wil breakdown because of this, they will need to find another placement for this child - the more notice, the better. More importantly they should also be able to point you in the direction of support to be able to deal with this - which sounds like what is missing here. She has all that help, what do you have?!

bottersnike · 13/01/2011 07:59

Could it be that she has started making things worse because she was feeling so settled and happy? I'm not a psychologist and still at the assessment stage of becoming a foster carer, but could she be feeling subconsciously scared of such a positive situation?
How are your kids reacting to the change in her?

maypole1 · 13/01/2011 12:32

I would recommend you read "if you don't stick with me who will" and fostering a Childs recovery

I think you will find most foster children have a honeymoon period when they will be very well behaved some times a little to well behaved

It when they are feeling secure they will be disruptive they will show the true extent of their sadness

Only you can say when enough is enough but io find it's during this time when they need a stable hem the most.

They think their bad , they then act badly and but moving them on we confirm they are bad.

Please seek support from a sw and If you can read up the books I have recommend are really very good

Good luck on whatever you decide

mumofloads · 13/01/2011 13:00

I would say your honeymoon period is over. I think she is very settled with you but scared of committing. She is testing you by pushing the bounderies you have put in place to see if you will reject her, as she feels others have.

It's very difficult to know what to do for the best. If you decide to keep her I would be spending as much time as possible with her. Let her know you understand how scared she is but that you will stick with her and work through her insecurities. It could take a very long time.

Your dh must keep himself safe from allegations. Maybe he could spend more quality time with your ds doing things together so ds doesn't feel left out. At the end of the day though you must do what is right for your family and your ds. It sounds as if you have done a great job with her so far and she will remember that. Be honest with the Sws if you feel you can't continue don't let them pressure you.

drpink · 13/01/2011 16:34

You could be me! I have sent you a PM

Original poster

babytinkabell · 13/01/2011 19:01

Well iit came to a head today and she walked out of a meeting with the sws and went back to her mums. As she was only here under a voluntary care order there is little the sws can do. They are meeting next week to discuss the possibility of going to court for a care order.
I'm absolutley heartbroken, I didn't want things to end like this. I have received nearly 20 texts from her today telling me she loves me and misses me and is sorry. Shes so confused, i feel so sorry for her.

OP posts:

maypole1 · 13/01/2011 19:04

Chin up pet, it very difficult for these children to expect Suability.

SquidgyBrain · 13/01/2011 21:43

Oh what a horribly difficult situation :( It sounds like you have done your best by her. Well done for doing all you could do I am sure many would have thrown in the towel, it does sound like she was/is trying to reject you before you do it to her :(

SquidgyBrain · 13/01/2011 21:45

(just to clarify I'm not trying imply you would have rejected her - I think the opposite! just that was what may have been going through her head!)

pjani · 13/01/2011 21:56

Where are you based (roughly)?

There are some areas with specialist runaways projects - not a lot but I know of one in Warrington (Talk Don't Walk), South Yorkshire (Safe at Last), Glasgow (Running - Other Choices).

Is she aware of the Runaway helpline? www.missingpeople.org.uk/runaways/. This website has a list of runaways projects but some have already closed due to funding.

Running away can also be linked to sexual exploitation, if you have any suspicions about where she is running to you could look for a specialist sexual exploitation service (again it's a postcode lottery but there are quite a few).

Original poster

babytinkabell · 14/01/2011 00:33

Pjani I live in Ireland. Oh my god fd has been texting me constantly throughout the day. Shes so confused and so unhappy. I feel so bad. I know theres nothing more we could have done and she needs to work some stuff out for herself but its so hard hearing her so sad.

OP posts:

drpink · 14/01/2011 10:33

sent you another PM

Original poster

babytinkabell · 14/01/2011 16:52

Thanks drpink, received that. fd texted me again today. She was in a town around 20 miles away. Her mum had let her up on the train to meet a boy she knows. We confiscated her phone after xmas because of the texts she was ssending this boy... very sexually explicit. They were planning when and where they were going to meet to have sex. So we took the phone for a few days and said she can only see him in our house from now on. She has only known him 6 weeks. I can't believe her mum let her up there, I'm so worried about her. I know she's not supposed to be my concern any more but its really worrying me. She's not safe up there. Her "boyfriend" also has an older brother (19) who has been texting fd lately and he also lives in the same town and has a flat there so she'll prob end up there. Oh my god its such a mess. She was safe here. She may have had issues and been upset but at least I knew she was safe. I contacted the sw and informed her, she's horrified that shes up there. Such a horrible situation to be in, I just feel helpless.

OP posts:

p99gmb · 14/01/2011 18:01

next week for a court order !!! what the hell are they playing at...?

I have two on voluntary placement, and there was a threat of mum taking them away after contact on thursday, and so they had everything ready to race to court.. luckily it didn't happen

She sounds very confused and you sound wonderful.. good luck

drpink · 14/01/2011 18:51

Sent you another PM but please remember there is only so much you can do as a foster carer. It is SS responsibility to get that care order, so carry on caring but don't beat yourself up where she is right now.

maypole1 · 14/01/2011 20:31

Dear lord,

These people hand their children in like a broke car they take the children back not because their able to parent because they can and the system supports the parent.

You wouldn't allow a dog to be treated how some of these children

drpink · 14/01/2011 22:39

maypole 1 - we need a 'like' button on here

fostering · 26/01/2011 14:27

Babytinkabell - cheer up, from what you say FD was probably starting to feel very secure and loved in your family but as many FC feel worthless they test and push people away. As soon as peple give up on them then they have proved to themselves that they are worthless. But you didn't give up on her and she clearly knows that from all her texts.
Allegations are tricky and often so unfair but FC can sometimes dredge up things from their pasts and get them confused with the present, accusing current carers of things that others have done to them in the past.
Be careful what you log if she returns to you.

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