I keep lurking.....

[milkybarsrus]

I have been considering fostering for about 2 years and find that I'm constantly reading stuff to do with fostering and lurking on this thread reading EVERYTHING people say about it (the good and the bad). My situation is that I can take voluntary redundancy if I want this year (around May) and will have a very small payout to keep me going for a few months.
My dilemma is:-

1. whats the best type of fostering to get me used to it? I was thinking of respite, but would that be to chop and change for my 3 children?
2. LA seem more consistant with placements, but I understand it takes a lot longer to go through the process?
3. I'm really worried about taking a leap into the unknown, but quite excited at the same time, is that normal? Do any of you know if people do fostering and then decide its not for them? Any bad experiences? I have a nearly 5 year old, and am worried about any risks with having children that have come from a difficult background. How do you manage difficult situations? I really think its something i would be good at and enjoy, but its so differant from what I do now. My family have questions about fostering, but are very much for us doing it. I have a husband (we 've been together 27 years, a daughter (17) a son (14) and my youngest son.(5).

i started off as a respit acarer when my son was 6 i also was a single carer when i started out

respite involves supporting families that are at the edge of breaking down this is also known as shared care.

the child came to us every we eked or every other depending on the need also during the school holidays , meanwhile ss are in with the family trying to put in place support so the child is not placed in care full time.
but this is usually with disabled children.

some people are respite carers for foster carers so really are also foster carers but either giving foster carers a break of having foster children for legal reasons cannot be taken out ot the country by the foster carers.

when we first started we had a lo for 2 weeks while her foster carer was in hospital sadly the carer did not recover and we ended up having lo for 2 years.

tas your lo is 5 i would recommend having babies this means children up to 2 years old they sleep on a cot in your room.

and i presume you lo is at school all day so that way their is time for you top attend meetings, contact and spend time with baby on their own.
or mother and baby were your not looking after the baby for the teen mum but supporting her to raise the baby herself but stepping in when things are getting out of hand.

and as your lo is still quite small you will easily be able to model how to be a stable strong mother, also you and your oh would be modeling to the young mum what a healthy relationship looks like

my age range is 0-6 and my lo is 11

hope this helps

fostering has brought so much to all in our family even our wider family,

i do feel its made me a better parent their are hard times granted but when you get the small changes in the child its very worth it.

in regards to your son just make sure you have a good talk with the kids about what the children have lost and why they need a family like you but make it clear their not coming to be their personal playmates

i explained to my lo when we first started,their parents are not every well or find it difficult being a mum or a dad so the sw help them and when their better their children will go back home or if they cannot get well sw will find them new parents.

hes very proud of what we do and usually the children connect with him way before they connect with us we had a selective mute once she would only speak to my son all i can say he was a big help because other wise we wouldn't of had a clue what the child was thinking or wanted.

Thanks so much for your replies. Lots of things to think about. I just think we really do have a lot to offer, but by no means are we perfect! We have all the usual family ups and downs that I think most families have, but ultimately we love each other and feel we can extend that to someone else, hopefully giving them a nice family setting. My teenagers are great, theres all the usual things that go along with their ages, but we get along most of the time. Put it this way, they still eat breakfast and dinner with us, and go on family trips out! We love family holidays and would have no problems taking along someone else in our care. Youngest is a very freindly child and will talk to anyone (whether they want to or not)! Feeling more and more drawn to it as I type, so thanks !

Oh, Milky-go for it!

It is completely normal to feel nervous but excited at the same time-I know I did.I can't write a lot now so will return tomorrow to add my twopence worth but you sound perfect.There are lots of children who need good parenting out there-even if it's only for a short time.

Best wishes to you :)

Thanks Minnerva, I look forward to listening to what your 'twopence worth' is. People that I have spoken to worry that I may get to attached, but thats just part of my personality! I will give my all to it, and I suppose that means giving part of me, I am hoping that if/ when I go on the training courses I will be helped in that regard. I think I am saying short term care because of the attachment thing? It makes me sound possesive which I totally am not, but I would worry about them when they have left us. Any advice on LA versus IFA would be much appreciated please, or should I feel in 2 lots of questionaires?

My la is fab, I guess you have to go with what vibes you get

On being attached bear in mind short term can mean up to 3 years
We are short term and on our second year with lo it's gonna sting when lo leaves

Hi Milky,

Sorry for the disappearing act-I am recovering from an operation so feel a bit unwell at times although well on the way to recovery now!!.

My situation is as follows;
3 birth children 22,20 and 15.Only one still lives here and the other is a part time resident-depending on when he is home from Uni.Married to my hubby for 21 years but together for 25.If your teen is anything like mine he will pretty much carry on as normal-certain aspects of his life will have to be considered eg;he can't walk about in his underpants anymore but as they are reasonably self sufficient at 14 it shouldn't affect them too much.Like you our teen comes on holiday with us,eats with us and doesn't mind being seen in public with us!!If you have such a good relationship with your dc I think you can be reasonably confident that if he they have any concerns they will be able to discuss them with you-and you must encourage that as sometimes they don't want to worry you.

Maypole has responded with advice about your youngest and training will also help you learn how to deal with any potential situations that may arise.

We are approved for short term fostering-anything up to 3 years and it has worked well for us.For me personally I have to get attached to the children and I do.My 2nd placement was a drug withdrawing baby-I collected her from the hospital at 5 days old and fell head over heels in love.She was with us for 4 months before going to live with her gran and I was devasted at her leaving.But I do believe that I have to become attatched in order to care for the children.They can come with such an array of problems and complex needs that attachment is neccessary so that you don't begrudge them the blood,sweat and tears.That is my opinion anyway-others may disagree but it works for me.As soon as one leaves though there is not too much time to feel sorry for yourself-another pops up quite quickly and you are too busy settling a newbie to spend too much time going over the past.

We are with a LA but in a neighbouring borough.Our LA has a rubbish reputation in the ss dept and we are on the border of 3 counties so decided to look elsewhere.It works fine for us.Our approval process took 10 months but I was ill within that period so it took a bit longer than usual.

Google your local social services dept-look at their ofsted and find any info that you can on them-it might help you make a decision.I do believe though that placements within LA are more frequent-private agencies tend to get the more difficult to place children as ss will always try to place first inhouse,it's much cheaper.

Milky it does hurt when they leave but it's an occupational hazard I suppose! There are so many positives that you musn't let attachment stop you.I am so glad that we foster-it was definitely the right thing for us.A few teary nights when they leave is small fry to what you can give these children-a home when they don't have one.There isn't a better job in my opinion.

Best wishes and good luck. :)

Its me again.... Well I filled in the forms and sent them off, complete with some family pics that they wanted. A social worker and her colleague are going to come and see me and my husband and have a look round the house next friday. I don't know why, but I do feel a bit nervous, and this is only the beginning! So here are some questions.

1. My spare room isn't actually spare at the moment as my 3rd child is in it (but will move in with his brother if we foster). Is that a potential barrier?
2. Should I get the house 'show room clean' or let it have the lived in look that it already has? Of course, I will clean and plump cushions etc, but am inclined to overdo it, lol. But, that may put them off me.
3. I can't honestly say I am 100% about fostering, as I've never done it before. So should I come accross as someone just asking and fishing around at this stage? or should I be ' yes, this is what I really want to do'? I don't want to appear half hearted or over eager.
4. What questions should I ask them? Any advice would be appreaciated.

Hi Milkybar, I've been fostering for 2 years for my LA so can still remember feeling as nervous as you do now! I'd advise you not to get the house show room clean - I asked my assessing social worker about that and she said no social worker would ever expect to find a spotless foster home. Kids and tidy don't go together!

My "spare room" wasn't spare when I was assessed either. It wasn't a problem as the assessment took about 6 months and they knew it would be spare when I was approved.

Be honest with the social worker about your doubts - you'll have even more if you decide to go ahead, particularly once you go on the Skills to Foster course - and I'm sure the social worker would expect nothing else.

Ask the social worker questions about pay, about what support you'll receive and about how many placements they are currently receiving - particularly if you're applying to an agency as some agency carers I know have been without placements for a considerable time (no money for LA to place outside their own carers). There's no point you giving up a job to sit at home twiddling your thumbs.

Good luck!

Well done

1- I would get it looking like a childrens bed room don't go overboard just tidy clean will be fine but do mention straight away that if you go ahead that will be the spare room subject to you going to panel, shouldn't be an issue as from what you have said older one is hardly their.

2- I usually give the house a once over before any meetings I have, but don't panic to much a a good clean will do

3- fostering is one of those things I am afraid you wont know if it siuts until you have taken the plunge it took us till our second child to really get into the swing of things

Sw can't really give you an insight to fostering as they don't foster,

But you will be asked why you want to foster

To be honest I think you want to do it but are scared and I for one think people who are to sure of themselves are a little worrying so just relax

4-I would ask what age group they think you should do
Do you want to do respite,longterm , short term, or mother and baby fostering or siblings.

Ask what support their is for foster carers

Also I would take a sneaky peek at their ofsted report

How many foster carers they have and what sort it will help you work out what gaps their are for instance if they already have lots of baby carers they may be not very keen if you want to foster babys Ect

Good luck

Im back...... Well, me and dh have had our initial visit and have just finished the Skills To Foster Course . We all (the group) found the course exhausting, but very informative. It really gave the good and bad of fostering. I have even more concerns now as there was a lot of emphasis on how your life is no longer your own as it is basically run by social workers, birth parents and any other professional. But, the most disturbing things for us, were foster children who pose a threat to your own children (mainly of a sexual nature) and also being accused yourself of abuse to them. When someone in the group asked how often this sort of thing happened, the trainer said it was very common . I feel a mixture of emotions, one side of me says "go for it" and the other said " don't put yourself and my family in the fireing line". I feel a bit sad because I am just not sure whether we would be good enough.

Well one of the ways to minamise this risk is by only having children who are at least 2-3 years younger than your own.

I know others have teens but it our la its best pratice and because of this their have not been any cases of fc hurting bio child for some time.

I was told this when started and was considing what age group to have my lo is 11 and we take age 0-6 so their is a good age.

To be honest the main allergations come from the parents and not from the children and if they do often their egged on by the parents

But if like me you do your recordings and keep sw iformed of any dodgy going ons you will be ok i have a camera i use to take picture if any of the children who get a bruise just in case i do get accused i can show excatly were the bruise was or wasnt and also the size

Because i have small children who cant always say what happened.

Like i said before my lo loves being pt of a foster family and is very proud and although allergations is a big topic i would not worry to much as on the course thay do. Give worse caese seneros to test the potentional foster carers metel

And as they said on the couse they are used to this happening

And to be honest you not being 100% sure is not a bad thing it would be a bit worrying if you had no reasvations at all

I still get nervious when ip about to take on a new child why dont you try respite and see how it gose from their

thanks Maypole, thats really good advice. Whereas before the course I was thinking of primary age range, I am now quite sure that the younger the better! They told us of a case where the birth mother took a tissue to the police with blood on it, which she claimed came off the baby at nappy changing time whilst the contact supervisor and mother were both there and that it was due to the Foster Carer! Horrible! It did make me think how low some people will go. I was thinking respite too, that way we can all see how we deal with differant issues. I know we are still a long way from going to panel etc, but the whole process seems daunting, maybe it was the way they put it? Like you say, worse case scenarios. How do you manage/balance your own childrens needs and that of the foster child? I would hate to have my children say in years to come that fostering was done at their expense.

What i make clear to sw from the satrt is the foster child is joing our family we are not joing theirs and as we not doing long term my los activties are fixed and are not up for debate i am not willing to change my los well estabished routine for a child who may onl y end up saying few weeks.

Also i think you have to be open with your children and include them when taking on a fc but to be honest that ground work about why you think your family want to foster and why children come into care you should be doing now really and making it quite clear they are not personal playmates.

Also in terms of disqpline we have the same rules in regards of our exptaions and what happens when rules are broken for our own child and fc but you do have to take into consideration temprament and nature of the chid just as you would if you have several bio child.

Like i said we only foster children younger than our own so to reduce any risk and actually he has a imporant role to play as the children often confide and warm to him before us.
I think you wil be super at being foster mum

And yes the parents are off their heads but if they wernt their children wouldnt be in care now would they so the time for me when your recordings needs to be tip top is before and after contact .

How old is you lo ?

I think some things to live by

1- make sure your bio children have time alone with one or both of you at least once a week oh takes my lo swimming on sundays just them

2-always make sure sw are qutie clear on you family rountine before taking on a placemnt

3- talk to your child about why a fc is coming into your home being mindful detail and your os age if relvant.

4-neverhave contact in your home and never agree to suervise contact