worried how fostering will effect my own children

[lulubooboo]

Hellp there,
We are going through the process of applying to foster young children/ babies and already have 2 children aged 5 and 6 years. We are beginning to talk to them about fostering as looking after other people's children for them until they are ready to have them back or until they find new parents. It is very difficult to know what to say as they are young and it is early in the process. My youngest child's reaction was 'why do we have to say goodbye and why can't we just keep them?'.
I know how rewarding fostering will be for us as a family and I am prepared to feel heartbroken myself but am beginning to worry that I am setting us all up for a lot of heartache.
Those of you with experience of having your own young children and fostering too please share your advice on dealing with the emotional aspects along the way.
Many thanks in advance :)

We were about that age when my mum started fostering.

We were always very happy to have the other children staying with us (and mum explained the minimum about why they were there).

It WAS a bit heartbreaking, especially the first time when we handed over an 18 mth old to be adopted (she stayed for a year with us), but we knew from the start that they were not staying.

The other mindees stayed for shorter periods but were always younger than us.

I think it made us all better people.

My friend;s mum fostered a baby of 18 months old, and the baby ended up staying for 3 years - to be then taken away from the only mother she remembered ever having to the useless cunt who broke her collarbone.

It shattered my friend's mum. I honestly think she ahd a nervous breakdown..

My Dh's family fostered 50 kids over the years and had 6 kids of their own. They describe it as being a well-rounding experience which made them all realise how lucky they were. Some of them were very young when this happened and shared rooms with each other, so it was tough going, but they all talk about it as a rewarding experience which they grew up with.

My dh actually uses the experience on his CV now, which stood him in good stead to get his current job as a mental health support worker - a job which he enjoys and is very good at. I think he was about 7 or 8 when his parents started fostering. His brothers and sister were much younger though.

Dh also tells a lot of stories of how they all just 'got on with it'. He also explains that they celebrated their arrivals and had small parties for the new children to make them feel at home sometimes - but sometimes it was just enough to show the kids what a 'normal' family did.

I remember a particular story about a young lad who was dropped off at their house on Xmas eve - and each of the kids giving one of their presents to the new child without even being prompted because that's just what was done.
I think as children, they just got ued to it - they acted as their parents were and just took the lead from what they did. The best bit about being children is that they do just act like children, so are much better at including newcomers in that way that they do!

Our Dc's were 10 7 and 4 when we began fostering, that was 23 years ago and we are still fostering so they grew up with it.

It was hard when lo's left us, there is no denying how difficult it can be explaining to a 4 year old that their playmate has to leave, but, each of our Dc's say they feel proud to have "done their bit" growing up helping lo's settle in.

I found that fc's would begin to trust our dc's long before they gained any trust in us adults, so to that extent it was valuable all round having young dc's.

Hiya,

we are newly approved cares, and we have 3 birth kids of our own - DS1 7 DD 6 and DS2 who will be 4 next month.

It is obviously a huge concern for us about how it will affect them, and I know that DS1 will be very upset when we have to say good bye to the LOs that we will look after - but I also know that with our love and support he will be fine. (not saying the other 2 will not be upset - just DS1 is the most sensitive about things like that)

We have always been really open with the kids and regularly speak with them about the ins and outs - including confidentiality in as much as there is stuff we will not be able tell them, about how I will have to go to meeting and such, and most importantly that none of the children that ever come to our home will ever stay - they all will leave, and how we will probably never see them again. Of course when we say this we also tell them that they are OUR children so they won't be going anywhere

We are still waiting on our first placement so don't have any actual experience, the one thing I would say is what our social worker said to us - is your kids only have one childhood too, so it has to be right for you all as a family.

Good luck with it - I certainly have heard enough positive stories from others about how good it was for their kids to be hopeful that it will work out for us too

(oops spotted a mistake - DS2 will be 4 next WEEK not next month!!)

Thank you to everyone for sharing your experiences-your responses have been very reassuring. I know this could be so good for our family and really would like to do it. I am sure that for all the difficulties with saying goodbye we will always be pleased to have done it, as you all are, and I hope our children will feel the same way too.

Hi, dh and I are quite new to fostering and we have a 7 year old son and 4 year old daughter ourselves. At present we are fostering two teenage girls and our kids get on great with them. One is a long term placement, the other is short term but we expect it to become long term.
So far it hasn't had any negative effects on our kids, possibly due to the age differnece between themselves and the teens we have been fostering?
One thing I will be cautious of in future though is a point one of the other posters made earlier about the foster children possibly trusting your children before they will trust you. This can lead to them making disclosures to your own children (probably unintentionally) whcih your kids may be unsure how to deal with. Our newest foster d told the younger foster d last night that she wants to run away and kill herself. She is reacting badly to something that is happening in her bio family at the moment. Younger foster d (13) was naturally very distressed by this. Thankfully she feels secure enough with us that she could come and talk to dh and I last night about it but it has made me more aware that as my own kids get older issues like that may arise.
Don't mean to worry you and it may NEVER happen but it took us a bit by surprise so just wanted to share.

Thanks babytinkabell,
We would be taking on children younger than our own-the 0-2 year age range. However, we are currently going through the referee process and although friends and family are supporting us and our children 100%, I am aware that the school has expressed concern over how it will all effect our own children as they can be quite shy and took a long time to settle into school (they joined late in the year into already established classes). I feel a little disappointed as I am sure the opinion of professionals is probably taken over and above family and friends but clearly I wouldn't be doing this if I really thought it would have a detrimental effect on our own children.
This process is like a rollercoaster ride and we still have a long way to go!!

We are in the same situation, our boys are 4 and 7, so we will probably be approved (hopefully!) for 0-2 at first. That's definitely what we'd prefer.
We have talked to the boys a lot, and they are both quite excited about new children coming to stay. Littlest one has even given up his toilet seat insert, saying "the new little one will need it" :)

Hi bottersnike,
I think going younger makes sense as it is more natural for the children to accept. Our children are really excited about having younger children in the house too. How far along in the process are you?