Discipline...

[p99gmb]

Hiya.

Feel more comfortable raising this issue amongst 'friends' here on the fostering forum..

Just wanted to know how you all go about setting boundaries..

We have 2 lo's with us - an 18mth & a 2 1/4 little girl.

Not having had my own kids, I am new to all of this - hubby has kids, but they now grown up with grandkids and he was at work most of the time anyway.. so we both a bit 'new' to all of this.

2 1/4 lo is testing us a bit.. saying 'NO' to things when we ask her to do things.. what do you all feel about how we should handle this - me & hubby have different views - he's probably too hard & I'm probably somewhere inbetween too hard & too soft..

All advice from you 'friends' gratefully received.. :o

Its hard isn't it.
At those ages they are very young and i think disipline needs to be very gentle, you also do not know their full history and what they may have seen and been through.

Lots of two year olds say no all the time, so that bit is pretty normal. Try not to get into arguments with them, offer choices if at all possible so they can feel a bit of control. Imagine how lost and out of control their lives must be feeling, even if they 'seem' to be coping and settling.

Be very kind and extra forgiving without backing down, so think carefully before you refuse somthing they want. Pick your battles and turn a blind eye to minor things.

Foster children's behavour is often a way of telling us how they are feeling, challanging behavoiur often tells us they are struggling to cope.

If you are feeling out of your depth talk to your social worker who will guide you and give you tips.

Ofcourse there is never any smacking or humiliating punishments.

Good luck.

hi P99

The terrible two's aren't called that for nothing LOL - obviously it is different with foster children than birth children as you don't know what they have been through.

For us with our natural children like sumum says pick your battles. As it is all too easy to ask them to do something they say no and then it becomes more about them disobeying what you have asked them to do or not to do.

What works very well for us is time out - we ask the child that is to be disciplined to remove themselves from where we are and then sit on the bottom step, if they are being punished, they have to sit out for 1 minute per year of age. I ask them to think about their behaviour, and when I go out to invite them back in I make sure I first give them a hug and tell them I love them, but did not like their behaviour (when they are older) and then discuss what had happened - for example if one had hit another I would ask them how did they think being hit made the other child feel. If the child is just being unreasonable, or tempers are getting hot, I ask them to go and sit on the time out step, but tell them as soon as they are feeling calm and or ready for a hug to come straight back in. We find that we rarely need to use this.

We find that talking and explaining things to the children really stops most of the need for disipline

such as
ME - can you put your coat on please littlest squidgebrain.

LSB - No

Me - but I would like you to do it, and we need to go and pick up the other squidgetype people

LSB - I don't want to

Me - but if you don't put on your coat you will get cold, and then you might get poorly and I don't want you to be poorly - do you want to get poorly

LSB - No

Me - Oh good then - lets pop on your jacket and then we will head out

LSB - ok then Mummy you know you are a domestic goddess and no your bum doesn't look big in that (OK I might have made that up there......)

As a former paediatric nurse one piece of advice that I would give you, is don't let them off with behaviour that you don't find acceptable just because of their experience, we often had parents who had very ill children, which understandably they were anxious about but would let them really do anything, including physically hurting their siblings but because of their illness they let them away with it, and of course when the child had recovered they were then left with a child that they could no longer discipline them

Good luck with it - and do come back and let us know how you are doing :)

Squidgy i find myself agreeing with you again - 2 peas in a pod me thinks ......

I am a parent of a child with complex medical needs/disabilities who cognitively is very well developed. We have always been clear about boundaries and acceptable behaviour regardless of if he is ill, in hospital, just out of hospital, just has surgery etc etc. It does work.

he is a lovely little boy and due to his medical history he has lots of control; issues but we have worked around this and try and ensure that demands have some element of choice, i.e.It's time to get ready for bed, do you want to have a bath or a shower? Not being washed is not an option. we keep reiterating the choice and that works 99% of the time.

We are also very careful not to ask a question when there is no choice so we would never say......'do you want to wash your hands no?' Instead we would say, 'it's time to wash your hands now.' Only ask a question if you are prepared to accept the answer.

we are firm but gentle and have a happy, well behaved little boy. Giving in because of a child's experiences only hurts the chuild in the end as they still need to be able to live in society and understand that there are rules for everyone, regardless.

Good luck

xx

Sharon - we do seem to agree with each other a bit!

(you so should apply to Angus and then we can cause trouble together at the get togethers )

it is a very good point you make of not asking questions but giving directions.

We also find ignoring bad behaviour (to a point) and praising good behaviour works very well, although I have been known to thank my husband for putting his shoes on so quickly and nicely - distracted me.........oooh look some sparkly shoes.....

I think we're probably going to go with Barnardos. I have lots of experience with coplex medical needs and disablity and i think they will prob be best for placements and support.

Too far from the border for Angus council.

Never mind I'm sure we could still get together and cause lots of trouble elsewhere - I used to work for Who Cares Scotland so I'm used to causing a stir

thanks for all your advice.

We are starting to use the naughty step - and she has only got off it a couple of times so far - she just sits and cries.

I guess what I really want to know, is what can/should you expect from a 2 1/4 yr old??

To come and get dressed when you ask her to?
To walk to the car when you ask her to? Not to stand up in the bath when you've just asked her not to?

I want to make sure that our expectations are realistic for a child of her age, and that we are not being unfair.

She is very clever and understands a lot, but we feel the testing us stage is here. SW phoned today to say she is going to court for shared PR (placed at moment voluntary) so I would expect them to be here for a while yet, and for everyones benefit, really want/need to get this right..

Help !!!!

I personally think that 2 1/4 is a little young for you to be expecting her to do these things well every time, but not too young to be aiming for her to do these things. My very almost 4 year old often has to be repeatedly asked/reminded to do these things.

you could try the carrot and stick approach with these sorts of things - such as if you come and get dressed perhaps we can do "insert your reward here" and things like "now I have asked you stay sitting on your bottom in the bath as I really don't want you to fall and hurt yourself, so if you stand up again, I will just have to get you washed quickly and then take you straight out" or you could ignore the behaviour and just say oops did you forget you have to sit on your bottom in the bath? But alway follow through with the rewards and or discipline

I think 2 1/4 year old wont follow your comands very well, and expecting to much will cause distress and frustration. after child is about 3, can start to follow some rules, before is very much a learning process. I think a lot of patience and uderstanding plus what squidgybrain said should do.
good luck! having two toddlers must be hard work