This is bloody infuriating!!!

[EarthMotherImNot]

After such a promising start lo's mum has been missing the odd contact here and there.

Fairly normal up to about 4/5 weeks ago when it all seemed to go belly up.

Now we don't know if we're coming or going because out of a possible 20 times she could have had contact she has missed 15 sessions.

I can't make babyless plans ie getting my hair cut n coloured, which I was having done this morning after a call from sw last night that mum definately wanted contact today, she rang at 8am to say mum isn't well so contact is cancelled again.

GRRRRR

rant over

ENIM sympathies to you, being mum to 11 month old DD, I know how important such visits to hairdressers are important for our sanity and self esteem. Must be really frustrating knowing that BM is being given so many chances to step up to the mark and failing each time, very sad for all concerned. Just remember you are doing a fantastic job and without you LO would have no one !!

Sorry for the delay in replying Havetowearheels and thank you for your kind words.

Having my hair done, although badly needed, isn't really the issue. It's more that lo won't have a clue who she is soon, not great for keeping a bond going

I have read a few of your posts EMIN and would love to talk to you properly, privately. I have been in a situation and feel I could help by listening to you and also you might be able to explain some things to me.

Oh dear EMIN-this doesn't look good does it?.

What is mum's situation at the mo?.

Has the contact worker for lo given you any insight into how mum is with baby at contact?.

Is lo under section 20?.

Go and have a large glass of vino and watch an old black and white film-helps with the old emotions-not that I think that you are lacking in that department EMIN,having read many of your helpful and emotional posts in the past-I am your number one fan as you know !!

Hi Minnerva Its not looking good at all, lo is section 20 at the moment and ss going for care order in a couple of months.

Its been reported that mum is possibly backsliding into the drug world, police involved etc. She had been pushing for unsupervised contact but ss have said no (thank god) up til now,

Apparently at contact, when mum is ok, she is lovely with lo, very hands on and loving which makes it all the sadder really.

How are you getting on?

sorrento, I think I have CAT facility but I'm not 100% on that. Give it a try if you can.

I will do, thank you, :)

I haven't CAT. I can't do it this month as skint but thank you for the offer.

Try emailing sorrento

[email protected]

Just emailed you, thanks. :)

I have 30 years experience as a sw and tm and recetly retired. I'm afraid that what you describe about birth mom and contact is the "nature of the beast" with fostering. Was this not covered on your prep course. I can imagine how annoying it is for you and of course I have heard it over the years from probably hundreds of carers.

The important thing though is that if mom is ad hoc about contact then this is taken into account in planing for the child's future on a permanent basis. It will be one of the factors that could (not necessarily) mean that mom is putting her own needs before the child (which may well have been the reason for the child coming in the Looked After system in the first place) as this is very common.

Also you have to try to understand that these moms have usually lived chaotic lives and keeping appointments and planning for the future are things that they have never done, and some of them probably won't ever do. I used to tell foster carers not to take much notice of mom's chronological age and she might be 24 but emotionally she is about 10 or 11 (or sometimes younger!

I think one of the hardest things for foster carers is when older children are let down over contact and the carer is left to deal with the repurcussions. Contact is a hot potatoe anyway because of course some children come back from contact in a tense/sulky/difficult frame of mind and poor behaviour is the result. The children of course cannot process this seeing mom and then not seeing her etc etc.

I think this is one of those areas that a good rant with another foster carer is the best way for carers to cope with this annoying aspect of fostering, and of course there are plenty more! You are doing a very good job and you are much needed
As you know there is a tremendous shortage of foster carers throughout the country.