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Forces sweethearts

If you have a family member in the Royal Navy, RAF or army, find support from other Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

New to forces relationship - Advice Please :)

26 replies

Ladyanonymous · 08/06/2010 14:09

First post in this topic so please be gentle with me

I am going to try to not go into too much detail for obvious reasons.

I have been with my man for just over 6 months.

He is the best thing that has happened to mine and my childrens lives in a long long time. I met him just after 3 years as a single mum, and was (finally) in a place where I was happily alone. I had and still have a full life of my own and have been careful to take care of and make time for my friends.

He is my soulmate, my best friend, and I adore every inch of his being and cannot imagine a future without him. He feels the same way. I have met his children and I adore them too.

We have seen each other most weekends (bar about two)since we met as he lives on a base over an hour away and phone and text each other several times a day.

He is leaving next year and will be away for 9 months. I will only be able to contact him by (smail) mail, and he will be able to phone every couple of months, he won't have internet access.

My friends all keep telling me not to think about it and that it is a long way away, which it is. I don't know anyone in the same boat and the forces way of life was until recently very alien to me and although I know I will cope with this because I have no choice as I knew what he did when I met him - does anyone have any advice for me please as to how best get through it while he is away and so that our relationship survives and recovers?

Thankyou

OP posts:
luciemule · 08/06/2010 16:52

Can I first ask if he's going away on op tour? Is he navy/army/raf? Why won't you be able to speak to him other than by letter and why he'll only be getting to a phone every couple of months. Ah - actually have just realised what sort of job he's doing and you may not be able to say.

If it's meant to be (and it defo sounds like you're both serious about each other) then it'll be fine. Yes, it's hard not chatting every day but to be honest, for my DHs' last tour, there wasn't that much to chat about, other than what the kids were doing. For him, his job was quite routine and so his chats were a bit boring. I didn't tell him that of course!
When it happens, try to focus on having a busy weekend and also have markers to count down the time. It's hard but you do get there. Try to make some friends who are in the same boat and ask the welfare officer from his unit to keep in touch with you if possible.

luciemule · 14/06/2010 10:44

are you coming back LA?

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 14/06/2010 22:44

Sorry - hes been here the last few days :D

Thank you for the advice, not sure I should post too much about what he is doing.

How would I meet others in the same situation?

OP posts:
Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 14/06/2010 22:45

....and no not on tour....

OP posts:
fedupwithdeployment · 14/06/2010 23:06

hi Lady anon

My DH is a submariner (many other sub wives on here), and I think submariners are the hardest to get hold of...but contact is not so bad as you seem to think for the majority.

Difficult to know what else to say without know a little more about what he will be doing!

scaryteacher · 14/06/2010 23:17

Which service is he in? Each one is different and there are pros and cons to consider. What you will be told by someone married to an Army bod will be totally different to the experience of someone married to a Navy bod, and the RAF will be different again.

For instance, Lucie sounded shocked above that you won't be in contact except by snail mail and phone calls; for parts of the RN for example this is normal. When my dh went to sea in his nuclear powered black tube, we had no contact for the time he was away apart from 2 20 word telegrams that the families could send. There were no phone calls; this was pre internet, and so I wrote to him; a big letter every week, with entries into it every day. They were sent off marked 1 of however many, and he read them in order, and then was up to speed wit what had been going on when he was away.

It is awkward and strange when they first come home after being away, as they have to learn to fit around you again, and you have to learn that there is another bod in the house that you have to think about.

There is no reason why your relationship shouldn't survive when he's away, and I don't understand the 'recovers' bit, unless you mean shaking down together again.

I've been doing this for 25 years now, so am proof that it is possible. The great thing about it is that you get the best of both worlds. You have the independence and the 'you' time when they are away, and you get the 'loved up' bit when they're back, and then it all gets back to normal and being together until he goes again.

scaryteacher · 14/06/2010 23:19

Fedup - yours isn't in a hot sandy place from whence my submariner loggy kid brother has just returned perchance?

luciemule · 15/06/2010 12:22

Scary's right - dh is army so comms usually good unless there's been an incident.

Can you say if he's in navy/army/airforce?
Then people can specify about things relevant to your DP.

scaryteacher · 15/06/2010 12:43

I would think he's either a chicken strangler or RN Lucie.

luciemule · 15/06/2010 12:46

what's a chicken strangler?

scaryteacher · 15/06/2010 13:49

Dh used to share an office with one at Bracknell/Shriv. Our version is the Boat Squadron, your lot operate out of Hereford I understand.

luciemule · 15/06/2010 13:56

so is it a term for people in the army then? Still don't get the chicken strangler bit - am I being thick???

scaryteacher · 15/06/2010 14:18

Yes you are being very thick. The RN have the SBS, you lot have the SAS. Get it now?

luciemule · 15/06/2010 14:37

oh - yes - literally strangling chickens .
I'm not really thick.

scaryteacher · 15/06/2010 15:03

No?

luciemule · 15/06/2010 17:12

maybe if you put a [smile[ or a scary, I might know if you're joking or not!!!

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 15/06/2010 18:17

Yes he is a submariner in the RN....just don't want to be identified...thats why I was being cagey...

I guess I don't mean recover as such - (more recover from NOT shaking down for 9 flippin months yikes!!!!) - just get used to each other again.

I am not known for my patience and can't imagine not being able to text him and speak to him and see him and hear him.

I do plan to write letters though and thanks for the suggestion of adding to it and numbering (hadn't thought of that!!).

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 15/06/2010 18:43

There are loads of submariners and we can't identify your oh any more than you can identify my dh who is also a submariner.

I used to go down to Devil's Point (Plymouth) and watch the boat sail, go home or to work, have a tot at home, or a coffee at work and then get on with life for the next however many months, making sure I sent the grumble grams regularly.

Once over the mid-patrol hump it got better, and I have been known to stay up late and cross another day off at 0001 and then go to bed! I have been with dh for 25 years and he has been a submariner for all that time, and we are fine. My advantage is being a Navy brat so I knew what to expect, but it can be tough, and things always go wrong in 3s; for me usually, washing machine, dishwasher and car.

I used to spend the time doing things I knew dh hates - wallowing in the bath; not getting dressed at weekends; reading trashy novels; not cooking if I didn't feel like it and then doing different things when he was back. If they are doing stopovers anywhere can you go out to meet him? That's always fun, even if it is only Gibraltar.

Look on the positive side - he gets submarine pay; and if he's at sea, well at least he's not in Afghanistan!

scaryteacher · 15/06/2010 18:44

That's the point Lucie!!!

luciemule · 15/06/2010 19:17

Hmm - so that's why you're called scaryteacher!
I myslef prefer people to know I'm always trying to kind

hf128219 · 15/06/2010 19:20

Chicken stranglers because you are told your lunch is at Grid Reference 345678.

Original poster
Ladyanonymous · 15/06/2010 20:40

I just meant I don't want to be identified generally

Yes I am pleased he will be at sea and not in Afghanistan - don't have joint finances atm though so won't benefit from pay either ;), but thats ok as I am financially independant of him, and maybe being a single mum for a few years has been good training for me as have had to deal with things breaking since my husband left, and yes also always in threes!!!!

Am pleased I have gone out of my way to make an effort ith my mates still as its easy when you first meet to dissapear into a Vortex together and not be seen for months.

I don't think I will be able to go out to meet him (anywhere nice IYSWIM) - but we are going away together this summer (managed to get rid of 6 kids between us which was quite a feat!!) and I've suggested going away together when he gets back.

OP posts:
scaryteacher · 16/06/2010 10:34

hf - did you have a good time in Brussels?

Lucie - teachers don't do kind much. It's bad for our reputation, especially when one specialises in teenagers. Brisk competence is so much more effective.

Not being kind also repels those who want you to join the Christmas bazaar committee; or run coffee mornings or do other Forces wifey 'cos you are abroad and will have time' things.

maltesers · 16/06/2010 10:42

I suggest you try to go to some navy "DO's" with him and hope you meet some other females (girlfriends) in same situation. Tell bf you would like to meet them so you can keep in touch and support each other while he is away. I hope it goes well for you LADY and true loves continues. If its strong before he goes away, he will be back for you. Good luck X

fedupwithdeployment · 16/06/2010 20:22

Scareyteacher...he is somewhere hot and sandy beginning with B with about 60 odd people. And I am going out there in 24 hours time. Hurrah!!!

He's a bit too old/senior to go back to sea now, but we've survived 15 years and a lot of different boats. Just the reunion to go

Soooooo....must go and pack. Yeah!

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