RN wives especially - do you live in port towns or in your hometown?

[SnailWhaleTail]

Some background; DH and I have been together 10 yrs and married 6 he joined the RN a few months after we met and we now have 2 boys aged nearly 5 and 3.

All the time we've been together I have moved where ever he has been posted, mostly Gosport or Plymouth, and have remained in my MQ even when he he's deployed.

About 2 1/2 years ago I was suffering PND and persuaded him that we should buy in Gosport as I wanted to put my feet down and not move again, we have a lovely house which I'm very happy with.

Now my eldest is at school I am retraining and it's becoming apparent that whilst he's at sea childcare is going to be a serious ishoo and impediment to me working. It doesn't help that for the last 18 months he has been based in Plymouth and we now find that his next job will also be on a ship based in Plymouth.

I feel like I have had enough, I want to go home (Essex) where I will have help and support. DH is not keen but would do it if I pushed.

Has anyone made this move? What are your experiences? Was it really better being close to family or was it a case of thinking the grass was greener?

Any opinions would be very welcome.

I'm in my home town, DH's usual base port is Fas but from Nov will be Portsmouth (home town is I.O.W).

The commute is hard for him and our weekends are very short but it's not too bad. My family pushed for me to move "so they could help out" when DH deployed (been in Iraq for the past 6 months, home in April then back to Fas after leave) reality is, they don't help! I'm pregnant and have a 4yo and 2yo but TBH I'm not too bothered, but it really was a grass is greener situation for me.

Moving around is a pain in the arse and the DC are settled so there are definitely upsides for us despite the lack of help from family.

Forces life - Never simple is it?!

I guess we did the reverse of you.

Dh was based in Portsmouth and the children and I lived in our own home in the NE. He weekended when in the UK but in reality due to the distance our "weekends" would involve him arriving very late Friday/early hours Saturday and leaving again after lunch on Sunday. I worried about him travelling so far every weekend and would worry more about his journey back to Pompey safely than I would when he deployed.

Eventually, after a particularly bad run of luck/ill health, we made the move into a MQ in Portsmouth the theory being that we would see more of him [hysterical laughter emoticon].

However, I actually cope better being away from the area where most of my family live. The belief that the promised family support would be there if and when needed never really materialised and often therefore made a difficult situation worse because I then felt let down and disappointed on top of everything else. I now know that there isn't even the hint of support (closest family is 700+miles away) and I rely upon myself and at least I know where I stand.

When he's deployed I'm without him wherever I am so that in itself made little difference to our lives. However, when he is able to come home its much easier and the time is spent with us rather than ticking away stuck on motorways. I wouldn't go back and my only regret is that we didn't make the move sooner.

We did opposite ends of the country and weekending last year and now are overseas so in the port town, but he has a staff job not an operational job now. Last year was hell - I would have almost preferred long deployments to weekending, then a 3 week course with no weekends, then weekending, then a 6 week course with v. short weekends, then a 2 month deployment, then weekending, then a 1 month deployment, then weekending with the occasional missed weekend (then a blessed holdiay where I saw him for 10 whole days!), then I was away with work, then he was deployed, then we weekended..... Here okay he doesn't get home til 8pm and he's in bed by 10 to be up at 5, but he's home every day (and early finish Weds and Fri!!!!) and here on the weekends and only likely to be off gallivanting twice a year.

I don't know what I would have preferred in either of those situations but I don't have much support from my family and if I'm going to be in France I'd rather be in France with him than settled in France with his family (because we'd end up living with his grandmother or something). We are French Navy though and don't have children yet (but actually stand a chance of conceiving over the next 3 years because we'll be in the same place!).

Thanks for your comments; I think if anything I would have over enthusiastic help from my parents which I suppose is what worries my DH.

That and he doesn't fancy driving every weekend as you've all said.

We always had our own place about 20 minutes away from Plymouth (and actually in Peverell for a couple of years), and he either weekended, had a job at RNEC or SM2, or was at sea. This happened for 20 years. I upped sticks and moved abroad when he got a second foreign appointment, having 6 weeked for the first one.

15 years of this was without parental support as both my pils and my mum were up in Fareham and I have now been abroad for 3.5 years, again without parental support.

I put ds into a nursery that ran from 0800-1800 when I was working, and when I retrained as a teacher, he stayed in aftercare, and I then moved him to prep where there was wrap around care from 0745-1900.

I would hang fire on moving and see what happens with his next ship. AFAIK, all the boats are moving to Fas Lane, and the surface ships to Portsmouth and Devonport will just do maintenance, repairs and refits. You may find that his ship will run out of Portsmouth, not Plymouth.

I have always preferred to manage on my own as my mum worked, until she retired to the West Country, and even then, she helped when it suited her and not me, which is fair enough. I knew help from mil would be limited even if I had lived near her, and I found it easier to make my own arrangements.

We live in Plymouth, which is where DH's boat is based out of. I've always moved with him to date, but don't really have a hometown as my parents and ILs are both Forces families. I did half think about moving to the place where my parents were living (could have been in the MQ next door!), but it didn't seem fair on DH. He's away a lot of the time, so when he's home, I want to be as close as possible and see him as much as possible.

I know if I was closer to my parents or my MIL I'd get a lot of help, even just babysitting, or going round for tea, but we're not, so we make do. I get a lot of emotional and practical support from close friends, and to me that makes all the difference. A lot of the people on our street are in the same boat (excuse the pun!), so we all help each other out when needed.

My saving grace is pre-school. I only work very part-time, but DS2 goes to pre-school from 8:50-3:20 each day, which saves my sanity, and gives me some respite when I'm ill.

i think perhaps the most important thing is what suits you. You are the person living in the house on your own most of the time. Would you be happier in an MQ (with forces support) or in a house near family with whatever support they provide?

We were based in own house in portsmouth for years, then after children, we moved to MQ in London. I am happy here, but a lot of that is to do with my job (working full time) which I really enjoy. I wouldn't get family support wherever I moved. I miss the suport and friendship of old friends, but life where we are now is good.

For childcare, we have an AP and DS2 is full time nursery (as was DS1 until he started school). This is obviously an expensive option, but we are fortunate in that my job means it is affordable. Without the work I would be in lala land....it was a close run thing for a while!

good luck with your decision!

We've never based our home on Dh's posting! He's been in 22+ yrs, we've been together for 10, 3 dc. We lived in Glasgow, DH based mainly at Faslane, but did spend a yr in Portsmouth, came up weekends when he could. Few years ago moved bck to my home-town (1 1/2 hours commute for DH every day!)- similar reasons to you, my dad is my only living parent and does all our childcare. DH still at Faslane (for now, although spent 9mths in the Gulf couple yrs ago- was invaluable having dad around) DH gets on really well with my dad, who is careful to respect our need for space etc, and I have my work, my friends, my dad. It works for us, but I am quite independant- I would go insane following Dh around and living in MQs. I love having my own life, even if the RN seem to conspire to make things difficult at times! and DH likes being able to get away from base and just be home