Royal Navy and children with special needs

[Nattynoos]

Hi all

Did not know where to post this thread, on here or in the special needs section....this one won!

Ive been a naval wife for 17 years now and i have a son who is autistic, has adhd, morbid anxiety and dyspraxia. The autism was diagnosed on 23rd December.

My dh has just spent 20 months in Scotland just coming home at weekends and is now based in Portsmouth and again just coming home at weekends. I know that i should be glad that he has not gone away for 6 months but im just feeling very emotional at the moment and every day i seem to be in tears. I have meetings with professionals and the school coming out of my ears and im feeling really low and fed up. It really does not help with DH just coming home on a Friday night and going back on a Sunday night.

Is there anyone else out there in the same situation who can relate to how i am feeling. My fight for my DS's diagnosis has taken me 4 years and with no help from the school at all, although now they have agreed to help us get him a statement of special educational needs....yippee!

Would love to hear from other Mums in my situation.

Thanks for reading this.

Hi Natty,I don't know anyone in your specific position but there are lots of mums with children with autism on the SN board who can offer virtual advice support and a natter.

Is there any way you can move to be near your husband? Where are you in relation to him? Or would it disturb your ds too much?

I stayed in the same place (within 20 miles of Plymouth) for 20 years until dh got another appointment in Brussels and I moved out here to be with him - first time I'd lived in a married quarter since I was 7!

I know weekending is really tough and it seems endless, I think we did 4.5-5 years on the trot at one point ( and there were back to back sea jobs as well); but you can get through it. Get your dh to talk to his boss about what is going on, and see if there is any way he can get a job near you, presuming you are Plymouth based? Which school does your son go to?

Have a large coffee, breathe deeply and go and chill for 5 minutes. You are doing a great job, even though I know it doesn't feel like it sometimes.

Whereabouts are you living? Would a move to Portsmouth be too much for you? Are NPFS aware of your situation? Is your DH's boss aware? If DH was weekending from say Plymouth to Portsmouth, I'd want him back Friday afternoon (half day) or even Thursday night with him working late nights during the week, and then not travelling back until Monday morning.

Depending upon where you live, there are support groups for Forces families with special needs. There is one in Plymouth called the Anchor group, so let me know if that's where you are and I'll get you the details.

Hi everyone and thank you all so much for your replies.

Im busy getting DS sorted at the mo but yes fourarms i am in Plymouth (should have said that on my post really duh!) so any info on the Anchor group would be great. I will be back on later to answer scaryteacher.

Once again thank you all again.

Nattynoos.

You might want it FourArms, but I don't think you'd get it. I think they only work that routine if they are in London at the MOD. When we were weekending I think if I was lucky dh was back by 1900 on a Friday night (leaving Shriv at 1600, and that was a half day), but it was normally later. He used to leave at 0530 on a Monday morning to get back there as well as the traffic was bloody.

Perhaps DH is lucky in his job role then, he's managed this routine in most places when weekending.

The Anchor Support Group
The Anchor Support Group is a scheme for children with special needs, in the Plymouth area. It is a mutual support group run by parents and backed by Naval Personal and Family Service and Royal Marine Welfare.

The group provides parents, siblings and the children with a chance to meet other families with similar experiences and enables them to support each other. In addition it offers respite for parents and siblings with a monthly Saturday Club based at Alexandra House in Crownhill, which is supported by qualified staff.

Every year a series of events are organized from which the whole family can benefit. These include a Summer Playscheme for the children with a special need or disability including their younger siblings, a summer camp for the older siblings and a Families Day. At Easter and Christmas, parties are held for all the family: entertainment, gifts, party food and games make a wonderful way to enjoy the seasonal celebrations.

Finally, coffee mornings are held once a month at Alexandra House for parents to come and have a chat and to plan the activities ahead.

Phone: 01752 555041 - Contact Nick Bennett (NACO) c/o NPFS Drake

Phone: 01752 812399 - Or Sara Furse

I don't go to the group myself, but I know someone who does, and she is a really lovely lady, and speaks highly of the group, so I'm sure it's great.

This section of the RNCOM website also has details of other support organisations.

Do you come along to the FAFDU meetings if you're in Plymouth? If not, you've just missed this months meet-up, which was a trip to Pennywell last Sunday. The July trip is:

12 Jul - Trip - Creally Adventure Park

For more information:

Phone: 01752 406680 - Helen Howlett - Radford Family Centre - Plymstock

Phone: 01752 779054 - Adele Towsey - Crownhill Family Centre - Plymouth

I'm a FAFDU volunteer, so can give more details for that too if you like.

Also don't forget the SSAFA additional needs forum and conference (conference held every two years) - get yourself on their mailing list.

0207 4639234

don't forget to get dh to inform his chain of command - it should be flagged on his file that he has a child with sn. this way ceas will automatically be notified of a posting etc.

are you registered with ceas yet?

01980 618244

they can be quite helpful with all things related to service children who have sen - even if you only have a dumb question about the statement - they should also complete and return an appendix for the statement as he is a service child.

dd2 isn't on the spectrum, but has a physical disability and a statement of sen. we're also green, but essentially the above is general service advice to complement the fantastic local 'blue' advice given by fourarms.

i would say it takes at least a year after confirmation of dx before you gain some sense of equilibrium btw - and very hard if your dh is weekly commuting. hope you find the anchor group helpful and manage to get some local contacts in a similar situation x

Bloody lucky I should say FourArms - when dh was at Northwood, it was supposed to be weekending but Kosovo kicked off and we didn't see him for weeks; and at Shrivenham where he was directing staff getting home early on a Friday just didn't happen.

Even when he was doing a shore job in Devonport most nights it was 1830-1900, as it is now in Brussels. I wouldn't mind if he got his fourth stripe out of it.

Hi all

Thank you all so much for your replies.

FourArms thank you so much for the details for the anchor Support Group, i will get in contact with them very soon. And i think that you are a very lucky woman if your husband managed to get that routine, it sounds great but unfortunately i dont think that, that is going to happen for me LOL!

NPFS are not aware of the situation and i have not been in contact with them as i am sure that they will say you can move up with him to Portsmouth. This is not an option for me as i work and have a job that i enjoy and my employers are very supportive of my situation, my son is settled at school and i do not want to disturb him as it has taken so long to get this far and also i have a very good support system down here with my parents. They pick my DS up from school on a Monday when i have to work late and also have him overnight on a Friday to give me a break. If i moved away i would have none of this.

I am registered with CEAS it was done in May, but it just says that they need to be informed of future drafts for DH and will inform the LEA if we move to a new area in regards to DS's schooling.

I know that i really should not moan as there are people worse of than me, but im feeling very down about the whole situation at the moment......you would have thought after 17 years i would have got used to it would'nt you LOL!

Thanks for listening everyone.

Nattynoos xxx

I don't think you ever get used to it. I've been married for almost 23 years, and I am also a daughter of, sister of etc and I knew what I was doing when I got married to a Naval Officer, but it still isn't easy to cope.

Keep on keeping on girl...thinking of you.

Hi I do understand your emotions not because my husband was away but for years I was a single mum and felt very alone as had a child with major behavioural problems and was mentally exhausted its taken so many years to get a diagnosis and like you didnt get any help from school I am very lucky my son attends an excellent school and the headmistress has worked with ADHD kids alot and saw all the symptoms and pushed camhs to a decision as he was struggling He is now said to have ADD and possibly conduct disorder,
You can talk to me any time it must be very hard and wish you all the best.xx

kas, this thread is nearly 3 years old.