This may be the wrong topic to post in - no harm in trying! Having trouble with X (army) and his reluctance to commit to visits to see our DD....Help?!

[Nixz]

Very brief... Ex-dp and I split in July, he walked out and left us... horrible, long story...

He is in Army and based 250 miles away, so obviously I dont expect him to visit every week, but there is no routine at all and I am constantly chasing him for visits, calls, money etc and he never answers or commits.

Its a total mess and dd (7.11) is very messed up. Ive asked him to commit - for example, 1st wknd of every month but he says his job wont allow it.

We have been together for a long time and I know that he can nearly always 'get' what he wants at work and this is all just because he doesnt want to commit and wants to have the freedom to decide when he wants to come. Im aware that sometimes there may be times when we have to postpone or reschedule but surely, on average, he should be able to commit to something regulary.
Does anyone know if there is someone to advise or any ways that I may be able to arrange this? I know of SSAFA but I was thinking his welfare unit or similar that may be able to suggest that any duties (or similar) should not be given on the 1st wknd....you get my drift!!!!
Its not for me so much as its for my DD, so she doesnt have to be ringing Daddy all the time to find out when she can see him again. He has gone 3 weeks without a call and 7 weeks without a visit at times.
Thanks ladies

Nixz not really anything I can say to help you, I just didn't want you to go unanswered.

Just one question was he based a long way away before you split? Or has he been posted since?

He was deployed for the best part of 2 1/2 years when dd was first born (ireland/macedonia/afghan etc etc)
When DD was 3, he got a posting local and we lived as a family for the last 4 1/2 years.

Now back to his battalion.

Thanks for your response

Is he with a regiment? There will be a welfare officer who should be able to help you out.

Your welcome. I just wondered if you'd already coped with the distance element. But that's a long time as a family unit no wonder you're devastated for your daughter. Army Families Federation or Padre might be a start according to DH.

Thanks... will I have to name him as he will become very cross and unreasonable if I contact his work. He says no one will help me because we are not married.
All I want is regular visits for my DD so she isnt always being let down and asking when he is coming. I dont want to cause trouble and I dont want to control... If the visits are in place, we will hardly have to speak, we are finding it difficult to be civil right now and its no good for me or DD.

His behaviour would be VERY frowned upon if it were known about. What would he do if you told him you were considering contacting the army because you are at your wits end with how he's being?

Ha ha.... he thinks he is the perfect Dad, he has said so often enough!!! He would threaten to phone my work and lie to them, ruin my life, etc!

He is in the parachute regiment and ive never known a colleague of his to be frowned upon tbh, they all seem to stick together like glue.

The Army Families Federation would be a good place to get advice - you might not be married but his daughter is his daughter, whether you're married or not.

Thankyou, I have just looked at their website and it says they are independant of the army. Thats good because I can remain anon initially, I will give them a call.

If there only advise is to write to regiment/battalion Padre... then im a bit worried, suppose will cross that bridge when I stumble upon it!

Anyone ever had any similar experiences to this?

I have a son that has gone eighteenth months without a visit from his dad also para reg. It really breaks his heart. All but given up repeating the 'he is so busy' mantra.....

apparantly, 2 para has the highest divorce rate out of all regiments in the british army. Nice.

Have you done anything about it, contacted anyone? How old is your son? Do you live far from each other?

Do you have problems getting maintenance money from him? The Army can defintitely sort that out for you. Do you still have his service number? I don't think they can force him into maintaining contact though, although UWO or Padre may be able to "shame" him into doing so.

I dont have problems getting maintenance but everything is threatened by it, iyswim, kind of be good or else!!!

I dont want to 'shame' him into doing it because he will spend the rest of his days trying to ruin my life. I know he will do something bad.

I can stop all contact, he then has to take me to court, then a judge can produce a court order which will be agreed by both of us and hey presto - i have a regular and consistent arrangement. Problem is, he says he cant commit to that as he doesnt know if he will be on excercise/duties etc. I know he will find a way of getting this from 2 para to take to judge.
There must be some form of welfare package in place where plans can be made on a 3 monthly rota or somthing similar and that he doesnt get duties on a certain weekend every month etc etc.

If i know something like this exsists, them i can bring this to the attention of solicitor/judge and then have their support.

I haven't done anything except facebook him several times to remind him he has a child. My son is seven. They do live at opposite ends of the country but that doesn't prevent him from picking up the phone.
He is useless and he used to say ' i m working' when I asked him to visit. I used to joke with my friends that he was the hardest working squaddie in England!
Thankfully ds has a good although distant relationship with his parents and sees them occasionally.