How un-family friendly are the navy!!

[helenhn]

My DH is on a long deployment and I had a questionnaire sent about 'life as a navy wife', obviously in no uncertain terms I made it clear how lonely and dire it is. I then contacted the RN counselling service but that was totally useless. As I don't live in Plymouth / Pompey I got the clear impression that they couldn't care less. My DD is 18 months old and has a genetic condition and looking after her on my own without family nearby is so so hard! My DH tried to get on a posting to a ship which is based down the road from us and explained our DD's medical problems and the lack of family support I have, so what do the RN do, put him on a ship that's based in Plymouth and immediately went away for 6 months - I almost rang the RN up myself to tell them how upsetting this was to me. His ship has another long deployment this year and next year.

Sorry about the long rant but I think the RN are just so detached and make life so much harder for families.

Ive had a few problems with the Navy too, they didnt take any of my issues seriously, as we were only engaged, not married, apprentely kids are irrelevant. My partner is Navy and im ex Navy, when i got pregnant, i passed out alot, my partner was on ship deployed and i was in Scotland on my own, no family. I passed out one day and got sent to hospital and taken to the mental health dept when the Navy decided to "help". It ended up with my partner going AWOL to make sure me and baby were ok. They can be a total PITA.

With all due respect I think that having a dh in the Navy is what you make it. Yes, it's a PITA when they're away, but it must be the same for those who are married to civvies who work away. I've been married to someone in the RN for 22 years and counting, and also am a Naval brat, so I've grown up with it; and have come to the conclusion that my life doesn't stop when dh goes off to sea or wherever. I made sure that I had a job and a circle of friends that were mine, and did all the things that I like doing but he doesn't whilst he was away.

You say you're not in Guzz or Pompey; so are you near a Naval base at all? If you're not in the South/South West, then I assume that leaves Fas Lane or Rosyth. Is there a HIVE there you could contact for some help/advice at all?

I think the RN are trying to be as family friendly as they can, but that isn't their core business. We get I think more support than families would from a civilian company, and more than dh would have received from my employers. Yes, it can be a drag, but the salary comes in each month; the pension scheme isn't going to go belly up; the social life can be good and you get time on your own, and time together.

Scaryteacher is right, after all the problems i had in Faslane, i moved back down south, near my friends and family, it makes a BIG diifference, is there no way you could move closer to your family?

My partner has just come back from the Gulf and is off again in July. Its much easier to deal with when your friends and family are around.

Hi helenhn

I know that life married to a blue suit can sometimes be a lonely experience, but there are people out there to help you. Unfortunately the navy are not very good at promoting them. Before long deployments, your dh should be given a list of numbers for you, but again things dont always go to plan.
Have you tried the Naval Families Federation they are there to help.

We seem to have been quite lucky then. After DD2 was born with a genetic disorder causing her a lot of problems, DH has had his notes 'flagged' to ensure that he stays on a Pompey based ship, and gets local shore drafts. Obviously he still has to do his sea time, but at least he is local.

Has your DH spoken to the right people? Have you contacted NPFS? They actually allocated us a Naval Social Worker who had quite a lot of clout, as well as liaising with Drafty they allocated us a Family Support Worker for a short time and also arranged counselling for me as it was a shorter wait than via my GP.

Really Sidge??? DD was diagnosed with a chromosomal disorder just before Easter, i had no idea it could make a difference to his drafts! Who do i tell?

I was a Navy brat too and bought up with this way of life. I knew what i was marrying in to and it is incredibly hard sometimes. Our 7th baby is due next year and dh is due to sail for 9 months the same month. He has been away an awful lot in our marriage.

I chose to follow him so we can be together as much as possible but it may be worth you staying near family and friends if you feel lonely.

Make some new friends, it does help. We are all in the same boat (some of our husbands are literally in the same boat!)

Hi LG&T, did you not get my last email?? I emailed you Friday.

I can't do Wednesdays, as I work

Email me again and maybe we can organise another date?

Regarding DD2 DH had to see Drafty and once NPFS were 'on board' (no pun intended!) they flagged his records. Mind you DD2's problems are quite complicated and she was very ill so I don't know how much of a difference that made.

LGandT - you tell the appointer, and when your dh is due for a job change, you make a wish list of what jobs are around (try the Green list for WEs), you go in armed with list and negotiate what you would like. My dh (WE SM) has been doing this for 30 years now, and since I've been with him (23 years), I don't think he's had an appointment he didn't want. Obviously, your dh will be doing more seatime if he wants his charge job eventually, but you can get some good bits in between.

It helps to do this, as you have effectively done half the appointers job for him by saying what you are prepared to do. We've normally discussed the jobs and ranked them in order of preference, and the system works - hence we are on the second appointment in Brussels, and will be e-mailing the appointer to discuss a third (I want ds put through his GCSEs out here).

Scary, I live in Cardiff and there are 2 RN University-linked training ships based in Cardiff Bay so I'm not anywhere near a naval base or anyone in the RN. I haven't come into contact with the RN before so it has been a shock to the system. I work 4 days and both our families live at least 3 hours away. I've lived in Wales for many years due to work, before meeting DH, and have friends round here, though they now have their own families and social lives, so if I moved to Plymouth I would be in a situation where I would be away from my friends where I now live plus make it almost impossible for my elderly parents to visit due to the journey.

Sidge, I never knew about DH having his notes flagged - this is exactly what I mean - how do I know / find out about these things as the RN don't make them well-known especially if you don't live near a RN base. Even when I rang up for some advice no-one mentioned this! I have hospital appointments for DD's genetic disorder, some where DH should attend as support for me as they can be quite upsetting for DD and me. Mind you as DH has another 2 years on his current ship I doubt if anything will change anytime soon.

As another bit of info to help others out did you know that DH can get more time off than the statutory 2 weeks paternity leave if you have a c-section - we were only made aware of this 6 months after I had one!!

Where is the handbook / person making us aware of all these really important things as it seems to be tightly kept under wraps from most of us!

Have a look at this website www.rncom.mod.uk - it may give you some answers. DH has in the past been issued with a welfare booklet, which I tend to ignore, as I sort stuff out myself.

The RN gives lots of the info to those serving. for them to pass on or not as appropriate. They are as good as they can be welfare wise, but sometimes they literally can't help, especially if your dh is on deployment; and it's also dependent where he's on deployment. My dh didn't know I'd had ds until 3 days after he was born, as he was under the water and not on it, and then they moved heaven and hell to get him from somewhere off Scotland down to Plymouth. The comment was that they were glad to do it, as on that occasion they could, but had he been on patrol, I wouldn't have seen him until the boat came back, even if it had sailed 4 days earlier.

The bottom line, and it's hard to swallow, is that the RN takes precedence over the families. I know it's tough, ds wasn't well when he was born; dh was back at sea; my in-laws and my mum were in Hampshire,(3.5 hours away), I was in Cornwall and we had a constant round of hospital and doctors appointments. You have to learn to deal with it on your own. It's effectively like being a single parent with another salary coming in.

I think by giving him a Plymouth ship they did the best they could. Rationale was probably that it's easier to get to Bristol and across into Wales from Devon, than from Portsmouth or Scotland. There's also the question of there being a billet for him on the university training ships. The RN is undermanned at present, and the guys have to go where they're needed; that's what they are paid to do.

What it really comes down to is that you married someone in the RN, and that means time apart either weekending or sea time. I've spent 16 out of 22 years either weekending, or dh being at sea. It goes with the territory. You have to decide if you can live with that, or if you want him to leave the Navy.

There are upsides as I said in my earlier post, and I can't imagine dh in one job for more than 3 years, as he would be bored brainless. At least the Navy move you around and you get wide and varying experience, and the chance to get qualifications as well that they pay for and not you. It's up to you if you move with him or not. I moved in 2006 for the first time since 1986, as we have our own home, and I had a job so I decided to stay put. My sil on the other hand, follows my brother around, unless he's at sea. Either way works, but you have to be happy with it, and you need to understand that Forces life is not like anything else.

those of you with kids with sn, get on the SSAFA additional needs newsletter list, and get yourselves to the additional needs conferences - they will tell you everything you need to know and give you more sources of help than you ever knew existed.

Registration for additional needs was going to be made compulsory last year (but a few who wanted to stay under the radar kicked off) so it is still voluntary.

however, if your dh hasn't has his file flagged as having a dependent with sn, how can you blame the RN for not providing for your family's needs?

Helenhn you can't initiate anything, your DH will have to do it. We live near Portsmouth but aren't in MQ and so not on a base/patch of any sort, but everything that has been recorded for us is done by DH.

The only thing you can do really is contact NPFS, but if you are in Wales the NPFS contact for your area is Devonport.

I also second Romy7's recommendation of your DH registering with SSAFAs additional needs list, the newsletter is very helpful, DH has attended one of the conferences and DD1 recently attended one of their siblings holidays.

Bearing in mind you won't get a lot of/any practical help, have you considered moving to Plymouth at all if his ship is Gus based? At least between deployments you will be in his base port and will probably see him a little more. There will also be a more active Naval support system than where you are now.

Thanks for all the advice - I will let DH know as it could make things slightly easier for me. It would be difficult for me to make a huge move to Plymouth due to work / house etc. so I will have to grit my teeth and count down the weeks until this deployment is over and then do the same count down for the next deployment until the end of his RN days is in sight!

Not much help, but did you know that there are quarters that you can rent in Plymouth if you want to stay in a homely environment whilst you're down here?

If you need any 'family' info on Plymouth if you're visiting, give me a shout as we've been here for a year now.

mumsnetemail @ blueyonder dot co dot uk