leaving my 9mo ds for 4 months

[gemmummy]

hi all, i'm a serving member of hm forces and 3 weeks on sunday i am being deployed for 4 months. my ds will be nearly 10 months. just wanted to share my fears. anyone got any eperience of this?

no experience but couldn't ignore it. Poor you, can you access a webcam so DS can see you regularly? You know it won't make a blind bit of difference to him longterm, he will have no recollection of it at all, but you will miss him like crazy.

Good luck with your deployment x

thanks georgie. i had to work away for 8 weeks and only saw him at weekends at the end of march and i'll be honest, he seemes totally unaffected by it, still a happy baby, sleeping and feeding well.

i forgot to add, webcams will be difficult but i think i will be able to get plenty of pictures emailed. someone on here once told me my baby would be scarred for life by the absence of his mother. it was just what i needed to hear

Hi! Of course your baby will not be scarred for life - as Georgie said he won't remember it at all. Photos emailed (both ways), voice on the phone etc. Special Bear for him when you go away etc.

I know a CO, whose wife was also HM Forces - and they were deployed at the same time - and they had a young baby. They were fine.

The time will fly by - think how quickly the first 16 weeks of your DS's life flew by.

Good Luck!

sorry no experience (I occasionally work nights/evenings not the same of course but I think my dh is way more scarred by the whole childcare responsibilities than the dcs)
Can you maybe record a tape of you reading baby stories/singing a few songs as well, lots of photos in his room/special photo of the 2 of you by his bed

Good luck, hope the time flies by for you

(v.hard for hf128219s friend (catchy name btw ) to both be posted at the same time, that would be a childcare nightmare)

thanks again everyone, in my heart i know it's going to be harder on me than him. luckily my dh (also in forces) is fantastic with my ds and takes a big role in his care. wish the time away with me!

oh god gemmummy dont envy you at all but i am sure if you are kept busy the time will fly by.

dh always keeps a diary for our dd's when he is away, no matter how tired he is at night he tries to write even a couple of lines for them saying what he has been doing and how much he loves them, its heartbreaking reading it but i am sure they will love them when they are older.

gemmummy.... who looks after your DS when you are away?

Are not going to see him for a whole 4 months??

Wow that must be incredibly hard!
I have a velcro 13 month old who breastfeeds loads day and night so cannot imagine being away from him for so long... Must be very hard.

Just a huge, huge hug for you. x

My cousin is in the RAF and has been on 2 4 month detachments since she had her LOs, once when her DS was 1 and then again when he was 4 and he DD was 18 months.
The kids were fine, it was her who suffered most.
Both times her DH (also in the RAF) managed to take them over to the Falklands for a week midway through the detachment. Could that be an option for you? It could be like a mini "holiday" for you all.
Good luck

saw this thread abd couldn't not post gemmummy. I was in the forces till DD was 2yrs and regularly had weeks apart from her (night shifts = child care issues = just had to leave her at grandparents). My DH is also in the forces and spent loads of time away from us. FWIW there appears to be no difference in the relationship my 9yr old DD has with either of us and that of the civvie families we now live amongst. I'm not saying it's easy and sometimes it was really hard but to be honest I found it easier to deal with when she was younger cos she just accepted that was how our life was. I decided it wasn't for me to have to leave her and we made a decision that we would be happier if one of us got out and that was me. DH went on a six month deployment when she was 10 weeks and then came back for 6 months before going on another 6 monther and I just took loads of photos, videos and sent weekly updates. I also made sure they had time together alone when he came back without me around to interfere!

If the bear factory had been open when I had DD I would've got a voice recording of DH in a teddy bear for her to have!

My hubby has been away loads the past 3 years (for 6 month blocks every year) and it just seems to make the kids adore and love him even more ( aged 2 & 3), it is def harder for him being away. I kept him informed by email phots and all our conversations seemed kid based.

I would also suggest the bear factory recording and make sure your ds gets to hear your voice as much as poss x

Good Luck whilst your away x

I have a friend who was deployed a month after finishing mat leave with twins and an 18 month old... her mum moved in with dh for the period to help - x years later and they are all fine. She did choose to come out eventually as it became more and more likely that she would continue to spend extended periods away, but has no regrets about her service, it was just time for her to do something different.
My job used to entail choosing who would deploy at any given time - not easy as you do note who has tinies and there are a lot of newish mums in the pool, but the majority would rightly have a hissy fit if they were treated any different to their peers, so you just have to grin and bear it.
Hope it goes superfast, and you enjoy a safe reunion.

We have the voice-recording in the bear from Build-A-Bear, too!!! They are great. I find as the DW left at home you have to make a real effort everyday to remind them of their parent away as it really is a case of out-of-sight = out-of-mind for the young ones (my youngest is 18mo.) We took videos on the camcorder which we play every day and also did the storybook soldiers recording too. I truly believe they are not affected by it long-term as long as they have lots of love from you and your partner when they return!! But they will have their upset days just like we do.

hi gemmummy I am part of a team called Storybook Soldiers based in Tidworth we record stories for soldiers who are deploying, so that their children can listen to them whilst they are away. We then edit the story and put sound effects and music on it to make it really fun for the child. I though this might help you with the separation? Let me know if you want any more info.

hopefor3 i want more info i have seen this advertised in dh's camp but no-one knows anything about it!!!!

my own dh still has 12 months of a posting to go (living apart) so not going to be deployed but the dd's still miss him during the week.

There are several places that do recordings, where are you based?

scotland, about 30 mins from edinburgh

If you email me on Monday at:- [email protected] I can give you all the details of the contact for recording in Edinburgh.

Your ds will be fine, of course he will! He will be with carers he is used to and a loving parent . It is you I feel bad for. I think you are very brave, and it may well be part of the job, and you have no choice, but I know what a mess my dh was pre-children leaving me and our dog .
Make sure there are lots of photos of you at home and make sure you have lots of him to keep you going too. You dh is forces and so will understand and that will help lots too. Wishing you all the very best. It is crappy timing for sure but you will all get through it with no long term issues.