Can I just ask for some advice please about my niece?

[ClairePO]

Hi

I have a 16 year old niece who joined the RAF last year, got through her 'boot camp' training at Halton OK and is now doing her trade training, I'd best not say which base.

After a bumpy start at Halton she soon found her feet and enjoyed herself. Our family are in a different part of the country but we are relatively close so visited/provided transport/had her here the weekends she wanted. Now she is further away from us but still not near the rest of the family.

She has decided that she doesn't like the trade training, but I think it is more to do with low level bullying. She is very bright but also very 'young' so a bit naive and gullible and I think she has had a bit too much teasing from older guys senior to her that she has not, at such a young age, known how to respond to.

Last week she rang my mum (her grandma) in tears, her parents were off on a long haul holiday. She had asked to change to a different trade but been turned down because she was a week past the deadline. My mum was very upset and didn't know what to do, we were away for the weekend so niece couldn't ring me (we are quite close).

Since then niece has spoken to chaplain, it has been agreed she can change courses, but we're all very worried about her having the same problems on a different trade training course. Is there anything we can do without hindering her by having an 'interfering family'? Is there anyone my SIL should be speaking too (they're back from holiday today)? We just feel so helpless and I just wondered if anyone had any pointers to try to shield her/strengthen her.

I never wanted her to join up, I know that's bad but I wanted her to at least do her A levels before she joined, she's just too young

Sorry for such a long post and TIA for any replies.

Hi, I don't have any knowledge at all in this area, but it sounds like she's done the right thing in getting advice in changing courses,and she obviously has a lot of family support. I'm sure there will be someone along soon that can offer you expert advice - people here certainly helped me!

That is young isn't it. I used to do some work at Lympstone where the Royal Marines do their training, and some of them seemed like they still really needed their mums!

However, your DN seems to be doing the right thing. If she's got the chaplain involved, then they will definitely be keeping tabs on her. I don't know how her training superiors would take to a call from her parents, but perhaps given her age, they'd look upon it with compassion. But, I'd say they could approach the chaplain. He is still part of the RAF, but they are there to provide a support service, and that should include members of your DN's family too.

We have a support organisation in the Navy that you can contact for help, it's called NPFS. Not sure if something similar exists for the RAF?

Bullying shouldn't be tolerated, and if your DN has managed to get through the first stage of training, then it would be a real shame for her to leave at this time. If it's what she wants, then it's great that your family are being so supportive to help her get through.

You are a lovely Auntie and it must be horrible for you being so far away from her. Have you spoke to your DN about bullying and that you are thinking of getting involved? You said that you think its about bullying but do you know that? What has she said? If she's moved away from her family/support that is a struggle for any girl of that age, let alone one in the forces. Of course giving family services a call will do no harm at all but I would not mention anything about bullying without being sure, more express your concern about her emotionally. If it is bullying it will need to come from her. Although, alot of senior rates can be a bit rough but this is due to the nature of the job as opposed to picking on a young girl.

I am Navy so hopefully someone from RAF will come along soon with info on family services. But this link this page is for the Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen and Families Association.

I hope you get your concerns sorted out. She is a lucky girl, there are too many that don't have caring families to look out for them. I would let your neice know how concerned you are. She is changing courses which is good and the chaplin should offer support. It might just be rough a patch.

All under 18s in training should be being well looked after. My dh has some on his course and some of the rules are different for them but more to do with their welfare than their trade or training... I beleive she should have a named person to look out for her specifically though .
I will ask him more when he gets home.
I am at a trade training place in the west midlands (trying to be Cryptic ) and I will tell you my DH is training PTI's in case you are worried about me speaking to him. I am almost positive she will be on a different camp and if she is here almost certainly NOT involved with my dh's course as their youngest are 17 I think. Anyway try not to worry.
If the Padre has been involved they will be keeping an eye on her. Try not to worry to much .

We have this in the RAF.
I don't think there are any problems whatsoever with contacting the Padre. I really think there should be a Point of contact that your neices parents should have for them too. She is still a minor and the RAF have responsibility for her as such...

Thank you all so much for putting my mind at ease, I texted her last night and told her I loved her and she can talk to me anytime and will call her tonight - I only found out all this had been going on yesterday as my mum forgot to tell me earlier in the week.

Vanilla - I think it may be the same base as your DH, I'm not sure how many bases there are in that area though.

And maybe I'm being wrong saying its low level bullying, basically they tell her things they make up (nothing to do with RAF just random things) and she believes them as she's gullible, then they laugh and tease her for believing them. It's at best unkind but they probably don't know it upsets her.

Hopefully she can get through this, she's still just a child in so many ways.

Oh and Vanilla - I just googled PTI and if I got it right then now that isn't what she is doing!

Right, in that case my dh will know of her and I am sorry that she has been going through this and feeling so alone .

I can still discuss it with him. I promise he is a very honorable man and would never repeat this. He never discusses his trainees with me, even though I would never know who they were....Let me know if you would like any more help . I have heard good things about our Padre.

Thanks Vanilla, it's very kind of you. She made a couple of really good friends at Halton and I think part of it may be parting company with a set of friends twice IYSWIM, her school set when she joined RAF and then the Halton set when they all went to different bases.

Vanilla, my post was very clear, she isn't doing PTI! And I very much doubt it is what she would change to, she's not very sporty.

It is alot to deal with at 16 that is for sure. I struggled going to Uni at 18 and I felt I was soooo ready for it.

Phew!
I was surprised as the youngest they usually have is 17 and that is the exception. Most of them are older as they apparently need a level of maturity (ROFL for anyone who knows of newly qualified PTI's)...
I will see what I can find out anyway.

God just read through, my typing is terrible today - meant to say 'my post wasn't very clear' LOL that looked like a really rude post from me, sorry. Thanks again Vanilla.

Lol, I read it as wasn't anyway so didn't think you were being at all rude

I had wrong mobile number as she had just changed it so she can't have got my text. New mobile switched off but have left message to say will call Wednesday (out tomorrow night).

Just to say thank you to you all - just knowing that there will be people to think of her has made us feel a lot better. I honestly didn't understand the role of chaplain, just thought from my point of view 'is that the right person as she isn't religious?' but thanks to you all I now understand he's there to support not just provide religious guidance. Like I say you have all made me realise she will be looked after. I just worry so for her, I love her to bits.

Yes, Padres in the Forces don't just provide religious support. They are an all round emotional support service. They have links to lots of different people, and know the right people to have quiet chats to when required. Neither my DH (Navy) or my dad (RAF) are particularly religious, but they've both spoken to padres on occasion.

They're usually slightly mad, but I find that that helps! (v.tongue in cheek as we've got two living on our street )

From the Navy website:

Naval Chaplains provide and support the spiritual, moral and pastoral well-being of naval personnel and their dependents.

The pastoral care bit is what your DN will be tapping into. Hope she's feeling a bit better when you talk to her.

Yes, Padres in the Forces don't just provide religious support. They are an all round emotional support service. They have links to lots of different people, and know the right people to have quiet chats to when required. Neither my DH (Navy) or my dad (RAF) are particularly religious, but they've both spoken to padres on occasion.

They're usually slightly mad, but I find that that helps! (v.tongue in cheek as we've got two living on our street )

From the Navy website:

Naval Chaplains provide and support the spiritual, moral and pastoral well-being of naval personnel and their dependents.

The pastoral care bit is what your DN will be tapping into. Hope she's feeling a bit better when you talk to her.

oops!

I spoke to my dh about what 'additional' support the under 18's get and it turns out it isn't much more than bed checks.
I think the view is that they are being paid to do a job and the training is part of that.....I do however think that a decent instructor would be conscious of the age and although not make allowances as such, they should perhaps just be more aware iyswim. The older ones on some of the courses have exactly the same issues and dh said what happened with the changing of trade course is not that uncommon.
They cannot be seen to get any different treatment though as they have all signed the same contracts and get the same pay etc. It seems harsh when it is your dear neice out there I know, but she has been mature enough to go to the Padre and I bet she gets through this blip, learns from it and will have a great career. She got through the selection processes and Halton so they obviously think she is capable .
You will feel better when you have spoken to her I am sure.
My friend joined the Navy at 16. He came back to see us all in sixth form and seemed SOO very grown up. We were a bunch of kids by comparison. I was so in awe of him. He learnt so much and gained so much confidence I was quite jealous actually. He is now a firefighter with a great home and nice wife. We are still friends and so it didn't change him that much, but we certainly had some catching up to do and I feel I wasted some years. Your d neice won't feel that she has .

Thanks Vanilla. I guess it is now just wait and see. She'll be 17 in just over a month and hopefully learning to drive (she alread has bought a car with her earnings bless) will make her happier and give her freedom to get off base in her free time etc and make her a bit happier.

It's such a worry, I really admire you ladies.

Hi Claire

I am an ex-RAF person, and also served supervising trainees at the base in West Midlans we have been discussing! To a certain extent, what you have described is the sort of banter and teasing that gets dished to everyone, but can be more upsetting to people if they are younger and feel they don't 'bond' well with the Group. Please don't think I am downplaying your niece's upset, just trying to explain how it could happen.

I have a couple of other suggestions:

Can she talk to the Officer and NCO in charge of her block? All women's accommodation has a female officer and NCO in charge of it, and although they primarily deal with practical accommodation issues, they may also be someone to have a chat to.

Secondly, they are LOADS of different clubs to join at this base (i.e diving/aerobics/model railways ). Could she find something that even vagulely interests her and try attending one evening? That would give her a different set of people to meet, who may not see her in the same light as the guys on her course. A friend of mine who didn't always fit in with the 'main group' used to go along to the Church social groups...not because he was particularly religious, but because he thought people there might 'get' him ...and they did.

Please get in touch if there are any other queries.

Really good advice there from Not Yummy and she has been there and got the T-shirt !

Thanks all! Will call her tonight see what she is changing too etc be nice supportive you know you can talk to me anytime Aunty.