He feels like a stranger - is this normal?

[MissPitstop]

My DH has been deployed for 4 months now and is due home in just over a month, he will be home for about 3 weeks then away again for 6 months. Im now worried about how we will get along when he comes home. We have managed to keep in touch fairly regularly via email and the odd telephone call but these have generally been chit chat about what the kids have been up to etc. and have not really "talked" about anything. He is starting to feel like an aquaintance rather than my best friend, lover and husband.

I have had a really hard time with the children, DS1, 8, has aspergers syndrome so is hard to manage at the best of times, DS2 ,7, has been angry little man and DS3, 8 months, is teething and refusing to wean. The car has needed new tyres, new brakes (two breakdowns with a car full of kids) and is due an MOT, the washer packed last week and the repair man cant come out until Wed so I have been handwashing everything!

I have not really shared any of this with DS whilst he has been away so he doesn't woory too much, especially since someone he is deployed with decided to tell him that I wasn't coping! I can't help but feel a hint of abandonment that he has left me to deal with all this on my own even though I know that it is not his fault and he would be there if he could.

Im now worried that he will come home and expect me to fall into his arms, overjoyed at his return when at the moment I feel like shouting at him for leaving, crying then going to bed to catch up on all my missed sleep!

LL thanks for those links, I have had a quick read through them and it sound like exactly how I feel right now. Its good to know that what I am feeling is completly normal and that we can work our way through it.

It is the first time he has been deployed to a warm and sandy place, we were in Northern Ireland for 5 years so no overseas deployments as that was then classed as a tour.

I think its the not sharing or communicating properly bit that i have been finding the hardest, DH is my rock, my best friend etc. He is the one person that I can share everything with, the one person I turn to when things are getting on top of me. At the moment it doesn't seem fair to share negative things with him as like you say he cant do anything to help and would end up worrying and/or feeling useless.

Whilst he is away and missing me and the kids he has naturally pictured this perfect wife and angelic children and forgetten that things in any household are not always perfect. I am feeling pressure to make things perfect when he gets home, especailly as he is only home for 3 weeks, and I know that that means I am setting myself up to fail as noone and nothing is perfect all the time!

LM I like the sound of a bottle of wine!

yes totally normal, my dh is posted away at the moment and comes home at weekends and i often get the feelings you are talking about if i have had a hard week.

the potl does not make matters any better, they are away for 6 months then get the best part of a month of to get under your feet and totally destroy the routine you had managed to get into.

but he is still your husband, lover and best friend. it will just take time to adjust to being a family again rather than a single parent.

i agree with loopsymummy about talking and getting all your feelings out in the open.

Totally normal. My friend summed it up quite well when I was feeling rubbish after another dry/curt phonecall with DH (he is posted away and only comes home every other weekend). "You don't have those do you want a cup of tea moments"

Sometimes they're so wrapped up in their work and daily routine and we're wrapped up in ours it's not the same as just taking 5mins for a face to face chat and a cup of tea.

Everything seems to happen when they're away and you always think you'd cope better if they were here but to be honest I think I cope the same cos child/cars/house things get sorted by me even when he is here!!! Remebering the nice stuff about each other is what keeps you going and I found when he was on tour there were other wives who were the best ones to moan/rant/have a drink with who stood in with support.

I do tell DH the crap things too. In the past I kept things from my DH because I didn't want to worry or upset him while he was away. It caused alot of problems between us when he returned because we had lost the closeness, to the point we nearly seperated. We had to work really hard to work things out and he made me promise that I told him everything that was going on at home/how I was feeling even it would upset him.

This was a few years back and now we're are close and happy again. He's just deployed for 7 mths - I write/email him everything from having a bad day to what colour hair i'm thinking about having.

If you don't feel like you can tell him whats going on with you. Why don't you write a diary, that way it's something for you to refer back on and if you wanted to you could let him read it on your return.

I'm sure he'll be worrying about it as much as you.

Agree with everyone all of this is so totally normal. Some units do Homecoming briefings or send out Homecoming leaflets. It all may seem a bit cheesy or patronising to be told how you should feel or behave at this time, but I think it is very common to have a whole bunch of emotions at this time. Good luck