does anyone do the dh living away Mon - Fri thing?

[damnfinefilly]

We're planning on this being my last posting - my ds will be school age at the end of this one and we have decided that I will settle down at home with the dc's while dh lives away and comes home at weekends. We really don't want the upheaval of moving the family every couple of years and want our dc's to be settled in the same school from day 1.

I too hate the moving. I can't wait to be home again with our friends and family close by. I was just wondering if anyone else had chosen this option and how they find it?

DH is happy with the set-up we have planned and knows it's going to be a pain to travel every weekend, and I worry a bit about that.

We did this for about 6months when my dh was posted out to the Princes Trust, he lived in a nearby camp and I stayed in our MQ - about 2 1/2 hours drive away. Not quite the same situation as yours. I think the thing I found difficult was we only saw each other at the weekend so there was quite a bit of pressure to have a great time, not argue etc etc
Bit like having the perfect r&r when your dh just wants to chill, but the rest of the family wants to get have fun before Dad does back to theatre. We are getting towards are last few years, and I wouldn't rule out doing a simnilar thing for our last year

yes we do it, dh was given a 2 year posting and end the nd of it he is coming back here, i did not see the point in moving the children for 2 years just to come back to where they started, we are all really settled here and it seemed pointless to upset that.

to be honest the travelling has not been to bad for dh, and the kids now know when he leaves on a sunday that he will be back in 5 sleeps. it make you appreciate the weekends with them more as well.

the biggest down point ofr me is that dh wants to talk on the phone for hours at night

1/ i dont have the time for that and

2/ i never really have anything to tell him.

the only other thing that is a pain is he always misses xmas partys, parents evening, dance shows etc which are on during the week but if you know far enough in advance you can try and work leave around them.

My dad weekended for several periods when I was in my teens - he was in the Navy, but always shore-based, however he worked in Shrivenham, Blandford and London while we stayed in the Portsmouth area. From a child's point of view (albeit a much older one that yours) I think a key thing is to think very carefully about how you will handle the weekly homecoming. My poor dad barely got in the door before my mum told him everything my brother and I had done wrong in the week, he would then get angry ... I used to dread him coming home (we didn't get on too well at the time anyway) and it must have been miserable him too, with hindsight.

that's a great point, DCMB! I'll make sure to vent all my frustrations to him on the phone so they don't encroach on the weekend.

The way we see it is that he works long hours anyway, and doesn't get home till around 7pm most nights - usually just sees the dcs for a short while before they go to bed! At least at the weekends he can be the one to take ds to mini-rugby on a Sat morning, you know, we can still have routine that the dcs can expect to happen. I suppose it all depends on where he's posted to next till we find out how feasible the traveeling will be.

Boarding school is not an option for us, we couldn't bear it. We have a plan for the schools they will hopefully go to and want to make it work out.

I just wonder how it will affect our relationship.

We are no longer in the forces but DH still has a job that means he is often away or moves to the next post ahead of us. We have had many unconventional arrangements over the years and away Mon to Fri was the one I found the hardest.

For me personally, the 'week-end-honey-moon-plans' that DH would have if this were the arrangement would be the end of our marriage. I find that by the end of a long week of single parenthood that I need a bit of down time and to have DH arrive with the same feeling after a long week of work and a commute was impossible. I wanted to spend time as a family and shelter the DCs from the resentment that I felt about always being on my own. DH needed to catch up with the DCs but also really wanted to be alone with me.

That said, we have moved an awful lot and maybe our children would have benefitted from more stability than from just having our family together at all costs...

I would highly recommend that you have a good support network in place because it can be lonely, hard work when you are on your own and then lots of pressure for things to go perfectly on the week-ends.

Our DCs were too young to dread their father's arrival home but I can see how DCB's suggestion would apply once the DCs are older.

My dh does this and has done since Jan 07.
I hated it at first, and still would prefer him at home . In some ways I have got used to it , in that I feel I can cope with it a bit better than last year.
Last year was awful for both of us with lots of sad and stressful family things that happened , so that would not be a true reflection of how it has worked for us.
We are hoping he will get a posting in the near future , but knowing our luck it will probably be some like Bratislavia. No hope of commuting from there. LOL

About to start it in the summer (maybe a night home in the week). Interesting to read your posts.

Hmmm..I don't anticipate feeling any resentment towards dh when he is home as I am as set on this plan as he is. We will be settling down at home, beside the IL's and my parents, and our friends. We went on our first posting (to Germany) 3 days after we were married, and ds came along soon after that, so I have never had the family support close by I would've liked in all our married life, so that's been tough. I've always resented the fact that we were away from home at the time our dc's were babies and all the grandparents have missed out on so much of them.

Obviously I would prefer dh to be at home, and believe me, we often discuss him leaving the RAF and pursuing a more 'normal' career! But in the forseeable future this isn't going to happen..

I should add that he wil be retiring in 11 years (!) by which point ds will be 15, and dd 12. Seems a long way off! But at least dh will be permenantly home for the majority of their high school education, so that's something.

I do the weekend thing have dd aged 3 and ds nearly 2, its hard but we decided to be near my family for the extra support.

We have done the weekend thing for many years and also lived together at points, plus I have been far from family on postings, its been a long 10 years of short postings etc.

I think for me its the right decision, just on the low weeks etc it can be hard.

I am happy here we are making roots, got our own home and making new civvy friends who are supportive to us all. The kids really miss their Daddy but he is away for at least 6 months of the year so i feel its the best option for my family.

I too am counting down til dh gets out 7 years and counting! we are in the pension trap, plus he loves his job!

Good Luck!

We do this currently, DF gets home most weekends but I find the time flies...I feel like a single mum during the week (dd is almost 1) and come the weekend I need a to chill out as much as he does, but I feel guilty when he does stuff for dd. We're getting married in November though and I can't wait to move in together. That'll be a for a year and then there'll be a move, and about 18 mths after that ANOTHER move, but I'd rather stay together than do the weekender again. I'm miserable without him during the week. And I hate it if I'm in a bad mood or whatever when he's down because I feel our time is so precious that I don't wanna wreck it. In short, I personally can't wait for us to STOP the weekend visits lol. x

My husband weekly commutes. We bought a house near my family in order to give our son (18 mths) and future children some stability. There are times when it's not been easy, however, but it works for us.

My husband's company is spread to the four winds so he spends a lot of time on the road visiting the various sections as well as a significant chunk of time on exercise. He's a bit of a workaholic anyway and would work late no matter what, so the fact that he only has to go back to the Mess at night means that he can work as late as he likes without worrying about inconveniencing any family. He's good about taking days off when he can and his CO is very supportive of this.

We enjoy our weekends together and both of us relish the time to be our own person during the week - we have vastly divergent interests! He can run and train and play rugger as much as he likes and, once my son is in bed, I have my evenings to myself to do what I like.

We have babysitters on tap with my mother and brother close by which means that we make the most of our weekends when we can.

We've been doing the Mon-Fri commute for nearly 2 years, after making decision for our children and I to live back home in Scotland in our own home. After 3 years in an appalling MQ, it seemed an easy thing to do but it is quite hard in reality.
The plus points for us are, stability for our DD's, we make the most of the time we have together and when DH returns to sea in July, I am near friends and family.
The minus points -being a single parent for the majority of the time, have to juggle childcare, work, house etc on our own, endure phonecalls when they've obviously been out but are denying having had anything to drink!!
Sometimes I wish we hadn't made the decision to live like this but we've worked out that we probably have more quality time together now than when we lived together full time and I get to sleep diagonally in bed and have the whole duvet to myself for 4-5 nights per week

my dh is a bit of a workaholic too, which is why I think he'll be quite content living in the mess or whatever accommodation he gets - plus he will ADORE getting a cooked breakfast every morning as he sure as hell doesn't get that here!

Thanks for all the replies - we're hopeful that this will work out quite well for us. We do have quite different interests too - and I do love having time by myself when the dc's are in bed! And being able to have friends round for dinner, babysitters on hand etc will be ideal.

we do feel it is important to have the stability for our dc's, and dh likes the idea of coming home every weekend, to our actual HOME and not MQ....

I hated this when we did it for 9mths. I actually prefered dh's 4 mth det......but that was pre children and we have changed a lot since then and thankfully grown up alot (me especially ). I hate the phone calls still though when he is away on courses etc as we always seem to think the other is better off (he has had a meal cooked and cleared away and stressfree evening etc while I have wrestled the children into bed and still face the washing up ).
But....we will probably end up doing this to. DD's are just 5 and 2.7 but if we get the posting we want next back to the area we want to live in I will stay there even if dh gets posted away again . He has another 7 years until his 22.
I think you will be fine. You sound very organised and sensible about it, unlike me when we had to do it and I just thought it was SOOOO UNFAIR .
I will cope much better with it when i have to do it as there will be 'positive' reasons why we have chosen to do it ie being back with family and friends and a settled school life for the dd's.....

We've been married 22 years this year, and have done sea time /weekending for 16 of those. I didn't want to move around - did too much of that when I was a kid and my Dad was in the RN, and at the beginning he was away at sea, and we got used to it. We've never lived in MQs until now.

I did my degree, then got a job, and worked, had DS, went back to college to retrain as a teacher, and then taught for 5 years. Moved out to Brussels to be with DH 19 months ago, as another 2 years of 6 weeking didn't sound good.

I treated Mon- Fri as my time to do work, spend time with DS, talk to/see friends etc, and then weekends were time for us. It is hard, but it can work to both your advantages. When he was a DS at Shrivenham and doing his MA as well, having us there wouldn't have worked, as he was working too hard to have a home life. We were the escape route at the weekends.

I've found it hard at times learning to live with someone else again - but am enjoying it. That said, I like the times he has to travel, as I can have a couple of nights doing what I want, and not having to cook, or smile sweetly if I don't want to.

My DH has been doing weekly commute for 5 yrs now. It works for us, tried it both ways but have alot of family/friend support in our home town. This is where we would always have ended up when he's out. Only negative thing I can add is it's hard to get DH to do much around the house eg. DIY, unless he's got leave because our weekends are taken up with family time and the weekends go very quickly. And I do get a little green when he tells me he's had his dinner cooked and cleaned away and he's putting his feet up.

I've got such a long list of jobs for him to do around the house next leave. In addition to spending quality time with me and kids and the rest of our families. Poor thing will be going back to work for a rest.

me to catzy

dh is on leave next week and i have arranged a few days out with friends so that he can get the gardens sorted (grass cut etc) paint the living room and dd1's bedroom and get my car cleaned out and washed.

i am so looking forward to him coming home