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Forces sweethearts

If you have a family member in the Royal Navy, RAF or army, find support from other Mumsnetters here.

Childrens nightmares

11 replies

STEPSTONES · 11/03/2008 15:24

Hi I'm new to mumsnet and looking for advice! I've been married and an 'Army wife' for 17 years, we have 2 children 10 and 8 , Its my 8 year old that I need advice on, my husband is currently on a 6 month tour of Afghan, but is nearing the end, he has always been constantly away, and to get this far down the line of the tour I'm sad my 8yr has started having really bad nightmares, and I mean bad, so graphic and real, I'm so shocked by what she says, but everyone ends in her dad getting killed - I've always been able to talk to them and always found an answer, but I'm stuck, I've said all the things I can to calm her and comfort her, but it's not working anymore, it's so upsetting for both of us and I need some new idea's. Has anyone else been in this situation? I could really do with talking about this...

OP posts:
divedaisy · 11/03/2008 16:02

Hi STEPSTONES. Gosh this is a really disturbing situation for you as a family to be in. And a very scary time for your 8year old DD.

Her wee mind is just working overtime trying to analyise everything she sees/hears/feels. She may be very anxious about home life when daddy comes home. She may be exposed to news stories regarding other service men/women who have been killed or injured in combat, or she may be taunted by school kids. Is she aware of any friends parents who have been killed in war?

Some dream readers say that dreaming of death is actually an indication of the end of something and the beginning of a new stage in life, and not the death of the person being dreamed about. But that is no comfort to you or your DD. Neither am I a expert or reader of this subject of dream interpretation.

All you can do is to continue to support her and give her comfort, security, reassurance and plenty of hugs. Maybe it wouldn't do any harm to see your GP about this. Do you get any support from the army's family liason or chaplin? Surely there should be a point of contact for you.

When is your husband due home? Maybe if you involve your daughter in organising a welcome home party, or surprise for him it may take her mind off her worries. Have you tried to get her to draw pictures? It would be something to show your GP.

You need extra support so you can continue to help your DD. Don't go through this alone.

Good luck, and I hope your husband gets home safe and sound. x

STEPSTONES · 11/03/2008 16:18

Thanks x x No we don't know anyone who has been killed in any of the conflicts, but just before her dad did go she had a little boy stupidly telling her how soldiers who go to Afghan always come back dead!! helpful I know, but we had long discussions about it and I continue to do so. I have been intouch with both Family Off and Doctors, Doctors would mean referral and her dad would be long back before we got it, and Family's off unfortunatley got no where. the pictures is a good idea and we are planning for when he comes home, they have already designed and had t-shirts printed with thier pictures on and 'our Dad's coming home YIPPEEE....' on it! It's a tough one!! x x

OP posts:
catzy · 11/03/2008 16:45

It must be really hard for you. The only thing I was going to suggest is have you got any photo's of when your DH has returned from other trips?

My DH has just deployed for 6 mths, he's not been away for a while. My DS age 5, just said to me out of the blue 'daddy's going to die' I was shocked and didn't know what to say to him. He was very matter of fact about it and not upset so I know it's different and it must be so distressing for you. I got an old photo album and showed him photos of when he'd returned from old trips, parties, first meetings and stuff with my DS in (too young then to remember) It did seem to help a bit, showing him that daddy does come back when he's been away.

I hope things get better.

divedaisy · 11/03/2008 17:09

Did you speak to your GP? Sonetimes you don't need a specific referral because your GP may be able to listen to you and give you advice and options.

Are you in contact with other Army Mums who may be in similar situation? Maybe the British Legion will have help available, or may be able to guide you in the direction of help.

I'll do a google search for you and see what I come up with with regard to childrens nightmares.

divedaisy · 11/03/2008 17:22

www.parenting-ed.org/handout3/Specific%20Concerns%20and%20Problems/nightmares.htm
"CHILDREN?S NIGHTMARES

During childhood, almost all children experience occasional nightmares. They usually begin around the age of two but are most common in children three to six years old. It is not known why children have nightmares, but it is believed that they are related to the normal anxiety and stress that are a part of growing children's lives.

Nightmares take place during light sleep. Many children awaken when they are having a bad dream. They often wake themselves up with their movements or by talking, yelling, or crying, which only adds to the fright. Children who have awakened themselves may be very frightened, and they may be difficult for parents to calm. They may not want to go back to sleep.

Some children have nightmares more often than others. One child may have bad dreams only a few times per year, and another may have them more frequently. In most cases, parents do need to be concerned about their children's frequent nightmares. Nightmares often come in phases, with children having nightmares every night for a week or weeks, and then none at all for weeks or months.

What to Do

Here are some things parents can do to calm their children when they have nightmares.

*Try to prevent them. Parents should monitor their children's television viewing of shows that are scary and/or violent, especially ones viewed close to bed time.

*Be prepared. Nightmares are inevitable in children. It is a good idea for parents to plan for their occurrence. Parents should make sure they can hear their children if they should cry out during the night. If parents' and children's bedrooms are in different parts of the house, an intercom will help. Parents should make sure any baby sitter who stays with their children will be able to comfort them should they awaken from a nightmare.

*Go to your children. Parents should get to their children as quickly as they can. Children need their parents' comfort and support.

*Stay with your children. Even at the risk of losing some sleep, it is important that parents stay with their children until they have settled back down. Parents should stay with their children, if they seem to want them to, until they go back to sleep. Sometimes a quiet activity like reading a story will help children settle down and return to sleep.

*Reassure your children. Parents should make sure their children know that they will protect them. Parents should speak to their children in a calm, soothing voice. They should let them know that they will stay with them if they would like. Parents should tell their children that it is safe to go back to sleep.

*Stay calm. It can be very upsetting to parents to be abruptly awakened by their children's screams or cries. However, if parents are upset, no matter how calm they try to act, their children will notice. Children may then be even more upset by their parents' tension. Parents should try to remain calm so that they can be of support to their children.

*Talk about the nightmare. If their children are old enough to speak, parents can encourage them to talk about their frightening dreams. Many children remember their dreams the next day, so this can probably be done the morning after the nightmare. Parents should encourage their children to think of and discuss ways to overcome the things in the dream that were frightening. Parents can encourage their children to make up a happy ending to the dream. Parents should respect their children's wishes, however, if they do not want to discuss the dream.

What Not to Do

*Don?t wake them. If children cry out but are still asleep when parents go to their room, it's not necessary to wake them. Unless children are extremely upset, it is possible that the nightmare will end and they will return to normal sleep. Parents should just stay with their children until they either wake up or sleep peacefully again.

*Don?t let children sleep with you. It is not a good idea for parents to get into their children's beds or to allow their children into their bed after a nightmare. This might give children the message that they should be afraid of their own beds. This may also turn into a habit that is very difficult to break.

*Don?t tell children nightmares aren?t real. It will probably not help to tell children that their nightmares were not real, or that it was "just a dream." To children, the nightmare seemed very real, and was very frightening. Instead, parents should try to explain to their children what a dream is and that all people have them.

Nightmares are a normal part of almost all children's lives. The best thing that parents can do to help their children cope with nightmares is to find a way to calm and support them if they're upset by one. However, if parents have any concerns about their children's nightmares, especially if children are having other problems, it is best to consult their children's health care provider."

www.ivillage.co.uk/parenting/presch/sleep/qas/0,,186584_187690,00.html
"Some children are very troubled by disturbing and frightening dreams. The vivid imagination that probably fuels the dreams can be useful in the daytime, but is a liability to children in the dark. Children can be unnerved by almost anything and this problem is not just caused by inappropriate television viewing. Young children can be scared of monsters, creaky floorboards and of scenes in films made for children.
Families have to make their own choice about whether to let children come into bed or stay there for the night. It probably isn?t a good idea long term and you do want your child to be able to deal with her own fears.

Make your daughter?s bedroom as welcoming and safe-feeling as possible. Leave enough light on all night to let her can see clearly if she wakes. Very low-level nightlights sometimes throw shadows that are scary in themselves.
See what might help your daughter to feel safe if she wakes. Is it a particular teddy or blanket? Some children from about four or five years are reassured by telling themselves, ?It?s just a dream? or ?My Mum says you witches aren?t real. So go away!?
If she wakes and comes in to you, your choice can be to take her back, reassure and talk with her and then say you will just be next door (or whatever).
This approach can take several goes on a bad night and is why some parents give up from exhaustion. It could be worth it if you do feel that your daughter now prefers to be in bed with you. Some children like company at night."

www.geocities.com/hairybobby2000/dreamnightc.html
This site has a load of info so I haven't cut and pasted it here. It may be helpful.

www.familiesonline.co.uk/article/articleview/57/1/22/
"A child psychiatrist advised: "There are two types of 'nightmares': a nightmare itself from which a child wakes, distressed and which is often related to worries and anxiety that s/he is experiencing. This stress may be caused by something major or seemingly very minor. The second type is known as a 'night terror' and although the child is equally distressed, s/he may seem to remain asleep and unrousable. These terrors are unrelated to stress or anxiety and are described as part of normal development in some children-they will eventually be outgrown and disappear. One suggestion for dealing with the latter, is to awaken the child 15 min or so before the time the nightmares usually occur, and to do this for a fortnight. This will help to break the pattern and may resolve things." "

These are only a few sites I've come across, and I hope they are of some help.

All the best. x

STEPSTONES · 11/03/2008 20:13

Wow thank you so much! it's great to be able have something to read and it all seems to relate one way or another. we've had a chat tonight and she seems happy so fingers crossed a full nights sleep! x I've also dug out some photo's for us to chat about, unfortunatly I can't predict when she has them, but they do run for a few nights, It has actually helped me just sharing the problem and finally getting a response! thank you again x

OP posts:
scotlass · 11/03/2008 21:54

Hi Stepstones

Loads of good stuff on here for you already.

I just wanted to post and say I've an 8yo DD too and to be honest she seems to be going through the phase of asking if people are going to die all the time. (e.g my friend in hospital and her gran who was telling me her BP is raised!) I think they're like sponges at this age and pick things up from all sorts of places but can't analyse it fully yet.

I remember when she was 3 and DH was in Iraq for no2 war she was painting in the garden and was like

here's his tank ........
and there's the sun......
there's a tree (?!).........
I said and what else DD? (expecting a bird)
Oh yes -- here's the bombs.........

I never watched the news in front of her again until he came home.

STEPSTONES · 12/03/2008 09:35

Thanks your right, I remember going through the same thing with my older DD, but this time it's the so 'real' images that she describes It's as though a writer has sat and detailed it all for her! Unfortunatly you cant bloke out everything horrible about out there, as sadly thats all you do see in the media, but we did have a full night sleep last night! I think also it's more the point that I want to get this right, and not find she has problems later?!

OP posts:
divedaisy · 12/03/2008 23:29

I don't know yet what age your child is, but my 5 yr old too is facinated with death. My FIL passed away 3 weeks ago, and he was amazed about it all. He understood it was sad & gave my DH a big hug. On the day of the funeral he announced that he'd never seen anyone go to Heaven before!! Don't know what he expected to see, and hope he wasn't disappointed!

Let her talk about it. Don't try to use adult logic. Let her figure it out herself.

STEPSTONES · 14/03/2008 17:17

I am really sorry about your FIL.x my dd is 8 and my older is 10. they have not experenced any deaths in the family, so maybe she is trying to make some sense of it?? we have had three nights nightmare free! yippee, although I've been up 2 nights with a tummy bug...just to add to my sleep dep!!! but we may be due some? We have a busy weekend planned so hopefully take her mind off it and she knows it's only 4 weeks tomorrow that he is due home. were all going to look a right sight when he gets here!!! thanks again for your help and support.

OP posts:
divedaisy · 14/03/2008 22:45

Glad things are (hopfully) smoothing out. I wish your hubby a safe return home. Hope you have some good quality family time together and that this helps your dd.

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