Another posting likely… handhold?

[Jaberwockky]

DH has just come home to say he has a meeting later next week. He’d hoped to stay here for three years, but it looks like he’s going to be posted again. This will be the 4th time since the middle of 2020. I’m at utter breaking point.

We’ve been here 9 months. I have just managed to get DS into a specialist school for September, it took 5 months for the LA to transfer his EHCP. I’ve just got a promotion and have somehow kept my career going, I will likely not be able to transfer to another region and will need to pay back my degree sponsorship and enhanced maternity leave, will likely struggle to find DS2 a new nursery place, the battle to get DS1’s medical needs met, trying to find a new job in my specialism… We were so close to buying our own home in the next two years, but without my salary it’s impossible.

I just feel so trapped and like no one actually cares about the impact it’s having on me and the kids. I just want to put down roots, to have a property and stability but the goal posts move every few months. I’ve tried hard to stay positive but I’m at breaking point.

I’m not sure why I’m posting this but I’m just really upset, devastated to be honest. I know people will say ‘it’s what you signed up for’ but this volume of movement is just insane. It’s gotten a thousand times worse since he commissioned.

Are you army? This sounds like
army. I’m so sorry. Are you being moved miles away? Can he approach welfare about it? Or, is there the option for you to stay on a welfare basis (particularly with the EHCP) and him live away in the week and come back at weekends? Or move somewhere closer?

I’m sure my husband said something about they aren’t meant to move you this often. But he’s away so I cannot ask the King of the JSP… we are RAF but this sounds like my friend who’s husband was in the army and she had to move a lot till they went MU.

Also this sort of shit is not what you signed up for. Even if you knew about moving regularly etc you expect there to be some kind of duty of care and not moving 4 times in 3 years!! And you are definitely sold the line that there will be support when you do it!

Thank you - to be honest it’s nice to have some sympathy. I do seem to constantly get the ‘it’s what you signed up for’ line from everyone which is just unhelpful and further adds to the sense of feeling cut off from support. The last time I spoke to welfare they lady helpfully pointed out it was ‘my choice to work’ and that was was creating problems for myself. The idea of support when we’ve been posted is laughable, it’s just been a handful of leaflets in a plastic wallet. It’s probably easier for them to not offer any support with the practicalities that families need. We’ll find out on Friday where we’re going, so we can start trying to make decisions then.

DH is to be fair to him also really stressed about it. He’s going to speak to welfare today. The three of us staying here and him commuting is an option, but it leaves us with my one office day being impossible as I can’t be at work, picking DS2 up and being at the house waiting for transport for DS1 to be dropped off all at the same time. Help has been impossible to find as people feel they can’t meet DS1’s medical needs and it would involve needing to be working between 6-8:30 and 16:30 - 19:00. We’ve previously interviewed nannies, au pairs, students, all have declined for that reason. DS1 also becomes incredibly anxious while he’s away but may get used to that in time.

I don’t know if the policy around moving frequency applies, twice it’s been on promotion and once for reasons I honestly can’t remember.

I just feel so stupid for ever accepting the promotion I’ve had. Prior to that I had a really in demand role and could name maybe two areas that weren’t recruiting. I’ve shot myself in the foot. Not that it really matters with the kids anyway. Same with university. I’ve been doing reasonably well and I just feel like once again it’s a big ‘fuck you’ from the armed forces for me wanting anything for myself.

I’m sorry this is such a self indulgent thread woe is me thread.

It's crap op. DH is Marines. He retires soon after 23 years and he's only moved twice. Obviously we didn't know that would be the case so myself and DD's stayed in our home city. That's crap too. You're basically a single parent. There are only 3 RM bases and they are all 6+ hours away from us. Knowing what I know I wouldn't have stayed with him. I don't know the answer but I wish you luck.

It’s just an awful lot to be moved that much. Are you on any of the forces wags groups on Facebook? There’s a lot more knowledge about where you can go for help on there- I’m a crap forces wife in that sense because we married when we were both quite old and we were MU for almost the first year of marriage because I wouldn’t leave my job! Also we don’t have kids. But I think it’s not good enough for them to now say ‘it’s your choice to work’- who can afford not to work nowadays??

I know how you feel. I once worked out that up to the age of 7 my Dd had never had her birthday in the same house twice.

This was a while ago and was the reason why I was the STAHM. He was often away for weeks at a time. In my time it was a thing that they are paid 24/7 so cannot refuse to be working at any time. Yes they get days off, but if the army/navy/RAF needs something done they have to go.

The rise in wives working is often incompatible with military postings. The military needs to be more accommodating to the spouse and the children.

I’ll respond properly later, but it’s Brize we’re off to.

On the off chance anyone has advice for SEN schools/nurseries/employment opportunities/general knowledge it’s greatly appreciated. We be looking at Faringdon or Shrivenham in terms of housing.

Where are you now? I’d reiterate the Facebook groups for advice but there’s also a SEN group I think, you definitely aren’t alone x

@Isheabastard you’re absolutely right, it’s a life that’s somehow still compatible with having two working parents and children. I do often wonder if we’d be treated differently if I was in the forces too.

@Iwouldlikesomecake to be honest I’ve never been on any of the WAG groups. I’m also crap in that sense, between the kids, deployments and working full time I’ve been pretty busy. See that’s my thought, I know of no one else in our road that works, but we both need to do so we have a clear exit plan in buying a home and being able to live outside of the forces… surely that’s what they want us to do?

@Tirrrrred honestly if DH wasn’t equally pissed off and so bloody lovely I’d leave. Glad to hear he’s retiring soon.

To update properly - we’ll be about 3.5 hours from where we currently are. This is the most notice we have ever had - April 2024! The plan is for DH to keep his WFH day, and the kids and I will stay here till the summer holidays. I popped into HIVE yesterday and got a ‘moving checklist’ in answer to some questions I had. So that’s helpful. I’m not expecting magical solutions, but I am another useless leaflet away from screaming at someone.

While it’s early, I’ve requested DC’s EHCP be transferred now with him needing a suitable school place for September 2024. His health needs won’t change, so this should hopefully be straightforward. I just need to get DH to get a letter confirming his posting date. I’ve paid the deposit at two nurseries for DC to hold a place for September next year. So that’s kind of in hand. DC’s charity case worker is going to support with moving his medical appointments and bits over. Only concern is nurseries and childminders seem to be £3 an hour more than what we’re paying now, which I’m assuming as it’s ‘my choice’ I’ll be footing the bill for.

I think now all that’s worrying me is work and uni. I’ll be back for 6+ months after my maternity leave so I won’t need to pay that back, but uni is a different uncertainty. I’m hoping I’ll be able to find a role to transfer into with my employer, but it’s likely I’ll need to apply for things internally in the new year and hope I get something.

Oxford and Swindon seem closest but seem quite small in terms of employment opportunities?

Sorry - I thought I’d update as I can’t really explode at DH as it’s not his fault.

THEY DON’T THINK WE ARE GOING TO FUCKING BRIZE NOW. AND NOW WE HAVE NO CLUE WHERE WE ARE GOING.

So I have spent £400 on nursery deposits to hold places as waiting lists are that fucking far in advance, and started dealing with the faff of looking a schools for DS’s EHCP.

DH has kindly raised a complaint with the armed forces ombudsman. It’s beyond a joke now. We can’t plan for anything if a posting could keep potentially changing ahead of the move. I’m stressed. DH is stressed. The kids are picking up on the stress.

Just seen this pop up on active. Incredibly frustrating! The only families I know with both working the family stayed in one spot and the other person lived in the barracks during the week. It's rubbish. I can't understand how the army can be so set up for only one person to be able to work whilst gradually cutting the wages in real terms to the point where it's not possible any more.

Honestly, if you can I'd jack the whole lot in and give his notice now so he's out before another move. It's not fair on you and the kids. Another move was the last straw for my DH and I cannot overstate how much happier the kids are now, even if we have less money.

That’s really shit. It’s this sort of thing that makes people go married unaccompanied. Ombudsman is a good idea, I know postings change (my husbands did annoyingly) but there’s got to be something for his rank at Brize, it’s massive.

Crikey, had you got the assignment order when you started planning?

Honestly I think with that frequent postings it just won't be sustainable to carry on a career and stability for the kids, we moved around until our eldest turned 5, then we picked a central location and bought using FHTB. Thankfully he's only had to be a weekend dad on posting once in the 5 or years since we made the decision (and that was during Covid so worked out well!) he is up for promotion this year and if they post him further than he can commute daily he's going to turn it down, we are hoping our youngest child being on ASD pathway will help our defence.

In the early years we were totally at their mercy, but now I'm the main breadwinner (another reason it's important to try and stay career focussed if you can) and with the kids older we just won't sacrifice our lives for it anymore. Being posted that many times in just 3 years is ridiculous, your kids are young enough to be fine now but you really won't want to be doing that when they're in older school years, especially when needing specialist schools.

I think your DH needs to think about how compatible his current career path is for family life (I'm NOT saying that means PVR-ing, but there are more flexible options elsewhere in the military, and if you can stay in work, he won't need to accept every promotion that throws your lives into turmoil).