Girlfriend In The Royal Navy

[bmorler10]

Hi guys,
I know I'm a guy and usually it is for women but not sure where else to go.
My partner is in the Navy (Medic) and I am so so so proud of her. We've been together for 5 years now and she has been in navy for about 5 months. She has already been told she will be deployed a lot and is currently half way through her first lot of leave (4 weeks in total) She found it hard to adjust back for the first few days and even questions our relationship but since then our relationship seems the best it has ever been and we have both talked loads about our future and she apologised for being weird and said it may take her tie to adjust when she gets back as no routine (which I 100% understand and respect)

She will be based at either Plymouth or Portsmouth in a few months so when we find out I'll apply for jobs but I guess the reason behind this is to ask for help. I know she hasn't been in long and I'll probably just adapt and get use to it but I am struggling a lot. We speak as much as we can but some days there is nothing and feel like she doesn't want to speak sometimes. Probably me just being paranoid but I was just wondering how do you guys get through it? Is there things you recommend?

We were very serious before she went in and when she came out she felt like she wanted us to act our age a bit more (24) which is fair enough and since she has been back she has met up with some of her friends from the Navy and has been for nights out with them. I feel like I'm almost being left behind.

Like I say not sure if it's just me being paranoid but if anyone can help or knows what I'm feeling It would be appreciated.

Cheers

Bumping this for you, OP. Hopefully someone will be along with some advice soon.

Hey OP! It's all really new for you so totally understandable that you'd be feeling like this. I've been married to the military for over twenty years now (RAF but husband has done a secondment with the navy previously) I say 'married to the military' because that is how I feel and I accepted it a long time ago. Relationships made by troops when deployed are intense, temporarily, and bonds are made quickly and deeply. That's not a bad thing, just different from what you might have experienced.

I now never take time off immediately after my husband returns from being deployed because he needs time to adjust. He spends months at a time looking out for only himself and has to, as he puts it, build emotional walls to cope with being away and also the seriousness and dangers of the job he is doing. To come home and snap back into romance and domesticity is not a realistic expectation and so I simply let him 'be' (after the initial joy of reuniting, obviously)

Military life is something that's hard to explain but you do get used to it. Your relationship needs to be bomb proof to ensure that suspicion and jealousy doesn't make an appearance during long separations and you should be realistic about what you're committing to BUT it can be done, and done very successfully. We have had our moments but still have a very strong and loving marriage-I let my own career take a back seat to my husband's and rolled with the punches. It was absolutely worth it.

You're doing the right thing by talking things through and naming your feelings. The one thing you learn quickly is that you can't brood on things and not say anything as the time you have together can be too short for that. Good luck!

Thanks for the reply.

I get what you mean with the connection they make. It is unlike anything in the civilian world building a relationship like she had with some people after a short period.
It’s so unlike anything I’ve experienced before and I just want to spend all the time in the world with her when she is back and she feels confused why I don’t understand that she loves me the same and feels the same but wants to see everyone else too. I know I need to learn to accept it but just really hard and when she is away it’s so hard, I think I need to start to live my own life when she is away and not put everything on hold.

Anything you would suggest

Cheers

For us it's my daughter so a bit different but she gets so close to her friends, they live in a world that I do not understand but she does love coming back to normality. We have years before deployment but that will be hard. It's a learning curve for both of you, and the support for family are still adjusting to women being in the military (so much is focused on wives), best wishes and just keep communicating

Oh god yes, you need to have your own life and not put things on hold for her career. I love my husband, I adore him, but have built a life which means that I am independent without him with my own friends, hobbies etc. Our life is different from many non-military people we know: for example, most of our friends seem to be mine or his, we have only one or two couples we are friends with, that's just because of the way those friendships are forged. I am a keen (if not brilliant) runner and hockey player and I don't stop those things when he comes home. Last time he came back from Afghan I picked him up on Saturday evening and was out to run a marathon the next morning. It's not that I don't love him, but neither of your lives should stop for the other. I have found this also helps with the worry-we have been to too many funerals for that not to be on my mind when he goes away-I need to keep my mind active.

The best piece of advice is to keep talking and trust her. She says she loves you, you love her, you will find your way. There will be compromise from both of you until you find the way that best suits you but don't fret! It can be done. You may find that you meet other military couples through social occasions (a massive plus for the military life is the social!) who can offer you their own perspectives as well.

It’s weird, like all the things we said we wanted to do together (travel, festivals etc. Etc.) she is doing with work and the people.

Just a lot to get my head around. Like you say, we both can’t put our lives on stop when the other person comes back but it’s just a lot to process.

Thanks for your help :)

Thank you so much for your reply.

Yea, it’s a big learning curve but I’m confident in us.

We’ve been through a lot and are real strong. Just my own worries and insecurities are coming out.

We communicate about everything which will help us.

Oh, it's so tough.

I agree with everyone above who says you need to have your own life and not drop it just because your partner is coming home. We've been married 8 years and we live three hours apart because I didn't want to move to the middle of nowhere just for him to then bugger off for six months at a time. And still if I have weekend plans, I won't change them just because he's home for the weekend.

Also, it's ok to tell them to talk about something else. When my partner first joined he could bang on about it for hours and...ugh, it can be very dull. It's ok to say 'can we talk about something that isn't a map/gun/long walk' for a bit.

I appreciate none of this sounds very loving which couldn't be further from the truth. I adore my husband, he's my favourite thing in the world and I enjoy the life him being in the forces gives us - lots of lovely long leave, when he's home he gets loads of long weekends, he's an excellent camping buddy and he loves his job. I think just for your own sanity, you have to make decisions for yourself.

Sorry to say this, but joining the navy was the worst thing to happen to our relationship. My bf, now husband, joined when we had been together 7 years. He was away training and had an affair in the first two years. In the years since, he has been away on many deployments and postings to the other end of the country, looking at dating sites, getting addicted to porn, and thoroughly enjoying the lifestyle, which included walking the city streets hand in hand with a female colleague, and setting up drinks alone with another. All while I was unaware of this exciting lifestyle, holding the fort with kids, pets and work.

I think there's a lot of this that goes on, and many ppl choose to ignore it, or think it will never happen to them. I thought we had a strong relationship. I trusted him completely. In his head, all the messing around with other navy women while away was just stupid stuff, and very normal, but to me, it's very hurtful. I think a lot of them completely compartmentalize their lives away (fun!) and lives at home (respectable family guy, but boring), because since finding out and talking with others, every single friend or acquaintance who has has interaction with navy personnel (whether family, friend or bf) has said there has been cheating involved, and it's all kept from the partner at home, as they all stick together. And it's not the circles I keep.

Sorry it's rather negative, but I would caution you that this life is very difficult, and if your gf is going out and having a great time without you all the time, be observant and don't let yourself be unappreciated. It's not worth it.

Oh, and I have the same thing with him doing all the travel etc with his friends in the navy. He has never ever tried to arrange anything for us to do together like that. Dont let this get to be a habit. It's not fair on you, and you will come to resent it!

FritzDonovan

You've had a really rough time, I appreciate that, but this is not down to the Navy. It's down to your husband being a wanker.

Honestly if you love each other, get married. Me and my husband did (he's in the infantry) and we got married when I was 18 and he was 21 and being able to have a house together (which is also super cheap) and being able to move together is amazing! We've moved 3 times in 2 years and if we weren't married it would've been a nightmare