family life after overseas detachement

[anothercuppa]

Hi, I don't know if anyone out there has been in the same boat as me but any help and advice is greatly appreciated. My husband returned back from iraq at the end of February. To keep it all simple I really feel as though his struggling to settle back into family life. He really seems uninterested in the day to day things of family life. He does all the basics but I feel as though his heart isn't in it. He just seems bored and I don't know what to do. We've had lots of chats and he agrees it's taking time but doesn't know what to do. What really frustrates me is he doesn't seem to make the effort. All I want to do is to shake him up and tell him to stop being so selfish ( we have a 4 year old and a 5 month old) but all I do is pussy foot around him being patient. But I really don't know how long it's all expected to last.I love him dearly and will wait for things to settle back but wondered if I can do anythings meanwhile. Many thanks, aplogies if this is a bit of a rant.

Do you think his experiences there have left him depressed? It sounds like the sort of experience many of our grandmothers had after WW2, when the men came home and couldn't either talk about their experiences or settle into the hum drum of daily domestic life.

hi, I know exactly what you mean. My DH has been away a lot recently some small trips and somer longre ones. And he does seem to forget what daily things need doing and how to just have fun as a family. I tend to give it a couple of weeks and then let rip with the "you are part of this family arn't you? you may as well just go back to [where ever] since you arn't really here at the moment, it would be nice to have some help raising your son etc" Oh and saying I feel like a single parent often helps too. It tends to snap him out of it. It may seem really harsh as he may well have had it tough while he was away but he must remember that it isn't easy for you or your kids either and you still need him.

By the way, you're doing really well to have lasted this long. Remember you're not the only one- many a time I've had a strange bloke on the sofa because the wife has kicked them out in the first week after they get home, one even on the first night. lol

It does seem to be something that men do when they go away for awhile. My dp (an actor) was working abroad for a couple of months just at the time when we moved in together and bought a house. Ever since he got back he's never really done as much around the house as I have - picked up the hoover perhaps 5 times in 6 months - and in some ways I think he feels it's more my house than his even though his stuff is EVERYWHERE!!! He was depressed at being out of work, but it really caused huge tensions a few times & have to say, I'm quite looking forward to him going away again to start a new job in July - even though it's 80 miles away & I shall miss him as soon as he's gone.

Hi again, Many thanks for your comments and thoughts. it's nice to know his behaviour isn't erratic and "pretty normal" if I can use that term It was good to read your thoughts and gather some strength and support to persevere with it. Many thanks again

ditto when hubby came back form afghanistan so hard as they are so wound up!!!!!!!! really miss him now he is in iraq but sort of apprehensive of his homecoming as i need support too

hi my husband was the same when he came back when i had my first child 3yrs ago he felt like a complete stranger so i sympathise with u,he is of again soon but this time i dont have any family close by has we have just moved away from my home,

oh just come on here and we will support you. it is nice to know others are going through the same worries etc....