how to deal with him coming and going?

[Pagetta]

hiya
sorry this one is a bit of a moan am just really struggling at the minute...
Hubby is in the forces and was at the same place for 5 years (yay!). Lots of trips away but based fairly close. However he's now based 200 miles away for 2 years. Plus LOTS of trips away - training and away. Mostly two weeks here and there but sometimes longer.
We have two kids, and bought a house, I have a good job and we have lots of friends here, so we discussed it LOTS and after deliberation we agreed he'd live in a grot up there 4 days a week and we would stay put - as he's away so much it seemed pointless moving us all that way only to still be without him a lot somewhere new, when we could be happier at home!
However it is REALLY taking its toll - with two kids and FT job i'm feeling the strain, and much as i try really hard not to be, I'm a little resentful when he comes home and says he is tired etc... plus I do switch off a bit and go into survival mode then I struggle to click back when he's home. But he's struggling too as he says he feels like i'm a bit distant with him, and feels like a visitor in his own home when he comes back as everything's running on without him.
Any tips on how to juggle the situation where he's only back for 2-3 days at a time - often shattered with a boat load of admin to sort - and not waste the first day or so being irritated at each other? I'd welcome tips because we are finding it dead hard :-(

That sounds very dislocating. Do you look forward to seeing each other?

I'd put this in Relationships tbh for more answers.

We've been through 2 stints of this and will be facing it again from next year.

I find it hard too but things we've found that helped were paying for a bit of extra help to get chores done during the week so that the weekends can be freed up, and then making an effort to have a day out as a family for either Saturday or Sunday, or out to dinner just the two of us one night. By admin help I mean that we have someone coming in to do some gardening and a cleaner.

Having a local babysitter handy also helps so that I don't feel trapped and resentful during the week.

It is difficult though and I completely understand your feeling of having to be resilient and capable during the week, 2 days of an almost disruptive presence, and then back to routine...ad nauseum. It's also hard not to feel that having to juggle FT work, kids and house is the bum end of the deal.

There's no easy answer being married to someone in the forces - either disrupt the children's education or strain your marriage. Mind you, I know quite a few couples where one works elsewhere during the week (but they do get remunerated quite nicely for it!!).

My DH weekend commuted twice. The first time, he lived in a Mess so acted a bit entitled when weekend came and I wasn’t ‘jumping to it’ like the staff in the Mess do!

The second time he was in a nice 2 bed flat in Bristol but didn’t really socialise and wasn’t keen on the job. He hated telling the kids off after being away all week It was pretty awful. When he came home, he treated us like he was a guest in a B and B.
I was so glad when he was posted to a batallion again and we all moved back together. We rented out our own house for a couple of years then he left the army and we moved back to our own home.

In those 2 years (separate 2 yrs, not consecutive), we realised that weekend commuting was not going to be an option if we wanted our marriage to last. The resentment from both of us was really high: I resented him for having a pretty easy week (no kids) and he resented me for spending lots of time with the kids!

Since leaving the army, we have been much happier living together and sharing responsibilities and stresses more equally.
Our DS was diagnosed with ASD a couple of years ago and there is o way I could have managed emotionally all the school/EHCP stuffwe’ve been through if he commuted.

Hi, my husband came out of the forces Nov 2018 as he had been in the RAF 15 years and was ready for a new career. If I were you I would be thinking long and hard during the week whether this is the life you want for you, hubby and kids, is it making you happy in the current lifestyle you all have, would the kids benefit having their dad around a lot more often being a proper family, going out more and spending quality time with mum and dad and the kids seeing you both happy - happy parents means happy kids 😊 If your not happy and I can truly understand why maybe look into renting your house out until circumstances change and live together back with your hubby and kids, it wouldn't be forever just see it as a temporary measure. I wish you all the best of luck in whatever decision you make and hope it all works out for the best 😊 xx