Can I just have a moan?

[TasteTheBloodyRainbow]

There's not much any of you lot can do about it, but I really need to vent to people that actually understand how frustrating bloody basic stuff is when your DH/W is in the forces.

DH has a new role at work, it means he's going to be on exercise a hell of a lot more, and without tons of notice. I finish mat leave in September, so I've applied or flexible working on the basis that you know, because of DH's job I'll need to chop/change hours to get DS to and from nursery. They've obviously said no, they want me full time, no negotiations. I can see their reasoning, but it's hardly my fault that DH is being dragged around by the RAF and I'm picking up all the slack.

So I figure no worries, I'll go sign on with a temp agency. Each bloody one said because I could 'leave at any time' they're unwilling to put me forward for posts lasting longer than a month. I need a reliable wage! And I'm not going anywhere for another two years! I didn't even tell them, they just recognised the address as being on patch. I never mention it, unless asked.

There are no bloody part time jobs around. I'm looking at every work from home opportunity going, and I'm just in tears. It's so frustrating. I've been shot down for so many jobs purely because of the fact that I'm a forces spouse the second it's mentioned they question my commitment, like it's my fault I can only give them 2-3 working years. I never had this issue with our previous posting.

I even thought about moving to my home town, away from DH for the next ten years, but it's not like I'm any better off there. It's still just be me and DS, struggling to make ends meet and get through the day.

I know it's discrimination. But I also know there's nothing I can do about it other than keep looking for an employer that's maybe a teeny bit more understanding.

Moan over. I wish not working was an option, but it's not.

That was so long

I know it's self indulgent. I just feel like I've spent years studying, and slogging my guts out working, to be treated like crap by employers who think I'm unreliable and could jump ship at any moment. I've had to take so many dead end jobs since we got married, just to make ends meet rather than carrying on with my own career.

I just feel like outside of DH and DS, my life is a bit empty. The thought of going another ten years feeling this unfulfilled at work ... I just can't face that.

I know not all employers are like this, and it's just a lot of bad luck on my part, but it disgusts me that I was genuinely told by a temp agency I couldn't apply for a long term job because of what DH does.

I watched my mum go through this for years - dad is Army. We did the every two year postings, usually abroad so she had the added issue of trying to fit in to SCE roles. She said similar to you; even without mentioning that she was military, within the UK (at certain postings) everyone knows where the quarters are & know instantly.

Can't offer any advice, sorry, but didn't want to read & run. Seems that the military in general is becoming less family orientated now. Dad has done 38 years & reckons the last 15 have been absolute hell for impact on families 😔 when we were younger it wasn't quite so bad

Sorry to read about your situation. It is so frustrating but I can only sympathise and hope that some job is out there for you. Good luck!

Seriously considering private renting for our next posting, just to see if it makes any difference

I'm sorry your mum went through it too. And I think your dad is right, so many people here with young families seem to be pulling out because it's just not compatible with having any commitment other than the job. Two friends of ours have just left. They've got two under 5's, and they wanted one of them to go to the falklands, and the other to America for four months. Kids couldn't go with either of them, both tried to defer it, but it was rejected. So they both walked. They had no other option.

I'll keep looking! That's all I can really do. I'd hire an au pair if they've find us a three bed! But they don't think any will be vacant till next year.

It just feels like everything is stacked against us at the moment. The stress of it's really ruining my maternity leave

Out of interest, what does else do that fits around kids/Forces commitments?

I'd rather not retrain again but it may be something to look at long term.

Have seen this (slightly cold) thread for the first time today, and completely sympathize! I've recently been hit with the harsh realisation that I've put myself in a really shitty position due to trying to do what I thought best to keep the family together with as few disruptions as possible, while navy husband lives an exciting and fulfilling career... I really think forces spouses have it much tougher than most people realise, as if the separation during deployment wasn't enough to contend with.

I did find private renting easier than living on the patch, a lot of that was being able to get away from the constant forces atmosphere! But it does mean fewer ppl understanding the difficulties...

Have you managed to sort anything out taste?

Hi Fritz it's all a bit crap isn't it? But I really do feel like there must be a solution to this. The US recruit remote workers (within the US) linked to the forces, so why can't we in other countries? I think forces spouses have a pretty shit time of it, especially once kids come along. It's isolating enough without not being able to work.

On the work front, they've relented and agreed to be doing 3 days a week, Thursday, Friday, Saturday on a trial basis with an aim to review after Christmas. I go back on Thursday next week. I've basically told DH that he needs to tell his line manager that unless he gives me a months notice to book annual leave to care for our son, he can't work anything beyond 8-5. Because it's not fair that my job is put at risk because of his. And I'm really anxious about us moving at short notice and me getting a shit reference and having no income.

With my extra days I'm looking at working from home. I've applied with a few companies. And I'm going to 'try' to set up some sort of work from home recruitment or data base website for Forces spouses. I know there's one already, recruit for spouses, but I've never had any luck with that.

An update - three days into being back at work! I had to go back Monday in the end to cover my line managers sickness, which has worked out fine as DS's nursery we're happy to have him.

It's already a nightmare. DH agreed to be responsible for pick up. Every day for the last three days he's called at 4:30 to let me know about work emergencies meaning he's stuck there for the foreseeable so I've been rushing home, but still 20-30 minutes late for picking up DS. I've got £50 work of late fees already. By the time DH is letting me know he can't get him, none of our emergency contacts or me could make it to the nursery on time.

I just want to cry. I can't leave work any earlier. They're being as understanding as they can be, but it's impossible. I just can't believe I'm only three days in and it isn't working. We're already using the latest childcare in the area we can, so it's not even like I can move him to a nursery or child minder that'll have him any later

So to pick the brains of any RAF folk out there, what's the worst that can happen if he has to ignore an 'emergency' and walk out to get DS?

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that taste! Sadly, it doesn't surprise me that much though. I think he sees his job as much more important than yours, and it is now showing. Is he really the only person who can deal with these 'emergencies'? I'd be inclined to think not, because if he was ill, someone else would have to deal with it, wouldn't they? I do think they see themselves as indispensable though, and inconveniencing you is much less important than standing up for you and saying they can't stay. I've experienced it many times. It's part of the institution.
I don't have enough direct RAF experience to answer your q though. Have you asked him about the possibility of him going to pick up DS instead of messing you around?

Possibly a bit outing. But emergencies are sort of whole base spread, well, the last couple anyway. Like intruder on base sort of stuff so the whole place is on lock down.

I've given him several bollockings. Today I've had to leave early to get DS, which has actually put my job in jeopardy because it means I've failed to perform a crucial task.

I think if I'm honest, he wants me to do what his colleagues wives do and just not work and look after DS. Which is never going to happen.

Yeah, a lockdown may be a bit difficult to get out of. But I really don't get how something like that (base wide) can be happening so regularly. Do you know any of those other colleagues wives? Would they be able to pick up DS for you in situations like this? Ask dh for input in solving the problem - it's not just your responsibility to drop everything when he can't fulfill his responsibility. I really think they forget that. What would he do if he were a single parent?

Good for you with the job. I gave up for reasons similar to this, it doesn't leave you in a very good or secure position, as I'm sure you know. The only solution is for him to take on his share of responsibility, but that's way easier said than done with the attitude forces members often seem to have. Good luck.

W/ o RAF veteran here. Sounds all to familiar but it's part of being a military wife really. I doubt if shared parenting is a reality for very many of the trades within the RAF.

It's sad but true that more slack is cut for those servicemen playing sport for the service than for parenting duties. Barring medical emergencies ....and I found they were indeed good when it came to that.... few service personnel will be allowed to leave work at short notice or regularly to pick kids up from school.

As to the serviceman walking out....hmmm...would be bollocked for disobeying an order at least and could even be court marshalled. Not something he would want on his record if he wanted promotion anytime !

I married my DH knowing that even though as a HCP I would be able to get s job most places it would not be likely I could chose places best for my career. I also accepted that childcare arrangements would fall in the main to me as there would be postings he might have no option to decline ( Falklands, Ireland) and that he could not , in the main, do school runs or take days off when dc were sick..... sometimes he could but I could not rely on that.

I know it's harsh and hard but it's often the lot of a service life.

So sorry about the adjustments to your job falling apart. Normally I agree that parental responsibilities should be shared but not all jobs can be left at short notice. When I was a nurse I could not leave my job till another nurse took over. If one of us was a train driver we could not jump ship as it were to fetch dc from nursery or school. Nothing to do with it being mum or dad just realism about the jobs people can't leave before allowed time.

In most jobs though there are elements that need to be completed either for a customer or so that another person can do next stage. ... which I guess that what's happened now with you. It's not fair or employer for them to have made adjustments and you are maybe not even keeping to the reduced terms.

While I empathise I think that if we choose to have dc and work then this stuff is gonna happen. Been there with 3 dc.

Good luck.

3 times in 3 days suggests that he certainly does want you to forget about your life, autonomy and potential and just be a service wife. I'd be beside myself with fury but that's no help to you I realise! Living off camp could help since it would mean that you'd have a chance to make friends in the 'normal' world where shared child-care and women with careers is more usual. And you could maybe sort out a shared emergency pick-up with other mothers - maybe you could offer to collect their kids on your non-work days. Your idea of working from home is a great one... do follow it up. We only get one chance at living our lives; it's important that you are fulfilled in your own right and not just expected to put your hopes and prospects on permanent hold. Good luck.

Fritz to be totally honest I haven't made a lot of effort with other wives in DH's social circle. All SAHW's and they're quite cold and clicky. May be worth making more of an effort when I'm down to part time though. All our immediate friends are single, so tend to either be heading straight out after work or driving to their home towns for the weekend (which is what put the pressure on me to get back yesterday).

I find it odd as well that there have been so many similar incidents in the last couple of weeks. To be fair, I have seen the traffic at at a total stand still so I don't doubt it's the truth as such, it's just strange. Yesterday he was off base and was driving back to get DS, and realised he'd never make it back in time he'd gone to pick something up from another base.

DH's input is pretty much just that he's sorry.

That's what I think tazzle. It's just not fair to my employer. I gave my manager a call just to be upfront and let her know. She said not to worry, and she knows I'll get it sorted on Monday 😩 but that's not the point. There's only so many times I'm going to be forgiven for not being able to drink my job properly.

I think I'm just really resentful at the moment. My old career would have been so compatible with DS. Now I'm desperately trying to build something out I nothing just so I can have a life outside of raising a child.

Oldstyle - I think we really need a new posting, live off base, and a chance to make new friends. I gave a couple of mum friends here (one with twins DS's age, the other who has three under three) who I know would help if they could, but I know it puts a lot of pressure on them. I've been trying to chat with others at nursery drop off, but I'm always the first one there (and last one to pick up ....)

Desperately looking at home working options. I was an area manager pre-marriage for a small chain, since then it's just been private medical related admin based jobs. I feel like I have the experience, but no idea what to do with it. Even more so with remote working.

Can I say thank you all as well? It's nice knowing I'm not alone in this and others have gotten through it.

No worries, it's a very lonely position to be in a lot of the time, I also get some comfort from the fact I'm not alone in struggling as a forces spouse. I would have said 'forces sweetheart' there, as per the thread title, but I feel that's misleading, as sweethearts sound as if they would be appreciated and considered - not how I'm feeling right now, nor you!

I've lived off patch for years now, and although I had a few helpful mum friends and neighbours at the last place, there are none here. Most mum's of my kids friends work, so it's usually been me helping them out in the past and it doesn't work the other way round. It's actually been difficult to start up a decent conversation at school with other mums here for that reason, so I can understand not being able to create that social circle.

That's a real shame Fritz have you tried looking on Mush or Peanut to see if there's anyone in your area that's around during the day that you could maybe get to know? I get what you mean though, sometimes it's so hard to make connections with people.

How much longer have you got in this posting?

We're in the south east, our neighbors are far from helpful. They don't actually really seem to speak! I've tried dozens of times to start up a conversation or even say good morning, they just aren't interested it's just so unfriendly compared to every other posting we've had.

On a plus note, I'm going to be demanding a new kitchen today. Mine is literally disintegrating in my hands I suppose that's the only positive of being in an MQ.

Hi OP, slightly different bcse it's me serving but I'm away for nearly 8months this time 🙄

I think the difference for us is that we live in our own house & DH has had chance to put roots down and he's got a great network of friends. In fact, I feel like I'm there so little that I'm a guest when we all get together!

When I was away last, we were new to the area and it was harder for him.

We've bought now and some jobs I can live at home and some I do a weekly commute.

Is that an option? It would allow you to build a support network.

Anyway, we're in the SE and our neighbours are fab we're not on the patch though. I'm not a fan of them tbh.

Good luck.

Sorry you're having such a shit time - it's very hard to work and parent without some kind of support network, whether it's your DH (ideally!), other family or other patch friends. Have you heard of Recruit for Spouses? It was set up by a military wife, who is an absolute force of nature, to try and tackle some of the things you mention in your OP (job-related, rather than husband-related ) and they're extremely hot on finding flexible working for spouses.

Sorry - I missed your post in the middle about already trying RFS. I'm sorry it didn't work out for you.

It certainly may be worth trying again Scooter. I signed up and uploaded my CV, but never heard anything beyond that.

I think the general view on here seems to be basing myself somewhere and DH commuting. We had a chat about it this afternoon, and agreed we'll give it until DS is about to start school - if I'm still struggling, we'll buy somewhere near my family and friends and he'll have to commute. Fingers crossed for a better next posting though