Birth of first grandchild

[rainbowkids]

Hi. So please bear with me on this. I'm feeling excited but overwhelmed at the same time and after some opinions to see whether I'm being unreasonable and selfish or not.
So our eldest daughter (my husbands stepdaughter, from my first marriage) is married and living in Gibraltar. She met her wife there when we were posted there for 2 years in 2011. We live in East Midlands, so only get to see them maybe once a year.
Yesterday they phoned us for Christmas day and told us they're pregnant, what amazing beautiful news. Due date is 10 August 2018. We are both very excited by this lovely news. My daughter and her wife both insist on me being in the delivery suite. I obviously am over the moon about this.
The problem comes, that husband said if he's not deployed in August then i can go but if he is then i can't go as i have to take care of the animals.
I'll let you know that i also have a dd and a foster daughter and they'll both be 18 by August, and my youngest son who is 10. My plan is to take my son with me for the whole month of august because hopefully that'll cover the chance of early or delayed birth. My 18 year old daughters can stay at the house and i have couple friend's that will pop in the check on them.
(Not darling husband) husband is not at all happy about this and will not allow it.
Extra info - i am a student so it would be holidays for myself and my son, so this wouldn't interfere with anything.
Am i being unreasonable to feel that he's being ridiculous at not allowing me to the birth of my first grandchild and to be there for my daughter and daughter in law?
My husband has always had a controlling attitude even though he won't admit to it. But for me this is a step too far!
Can i please hear your thoughts? I'm open to admitting I'm wrong if it's truly the case.

'Not allow it'? He doesn't own you and can't tell you what you are allowed/not allowed to do. Just go, what will he do?
Also, he is in the wrong. You already have everything covered whilst you are away and it's the birth of your first grandchild!

I don't think you are being selfish or unreasonable. Though I think a month is quite a long time to leave your 18 year old.
How many animals are you talking about? A whole farm or a couple of cats?

He wants to keep you away from the birth of your grandchild. He is being controlling and cruel.

Not allow it?

He can say it's a deal breaker to him but he can not tell you what to do.

I'd be going and my husband would have to decide what he wants to do.

Congratulations to you.

Thank you. We have 1 cat, 1 bearded dragon and 4 fish.

Just go, what would he do if you did?

As a side note though, will there be enough for your 10 year old DS to do in Gibraltar for a month?? Who will look after him whilst you're at the hospital with DD and DIL?

If you don’t put your foot down now you are telling him that you are accepting of his efforts to control you and your relationship with your DD, DIL and DGC.

As it is, it's been a huge thing with them getting pregnant being a lesbian couple. It cost a lot but my daughter was fortunate to have fallen on the first go.
It was actually only a week ago when i was considering leaving him because my daughter and her wife surprised us with the news that they'll be visiting on the 27 dec until 2 jan. We didn't know the news of the pregnancy yet at this point. But my husband wasn't happy because he felt that they should of asked us if it would be ok for them to visit. I thought this was out of order because i will always be happy to have my children visit. He said it's unfair for them just to assume we haven't got anything planned and just go ahead and book flights to visit us.
This is the kind of controlling behaviour i live with.

DIL parents and family all live nearby so that's not a problem. I will be going to the beach etc with my son until it's time. We loved being there for 2 years and my son will be over the moon to be able to go there for a month.

Is this the kind of control you want someone else to have over the rest of your life?

He's presumably 'allowed' to bugger off on deployment whenever. This is your form of deployment. As you can make arrangements for the animals, the go when it suits you for as long as it suits you.

Agree with PP that it might be difficult to keep your DS occupied for a whole month away. Also DD and DDiL might not envisage quite such a long stay.

So be firm that you're going, but don't lock into detail of how long until nearer the time (and keep it all flexible if poss)

What would he do? Well he has said before that i put the children before him and can't be in a marriage where i put him last all the time. He's said that i can be selfish and what i want usually trumps everything else. I do love him but this is crazy.

Posted before I saw your last.

Actually I think DH is right about them asking not telling when they want to visit. It's a basic courtesy. What if you had planned to go away? Lovely for your DD to know that the answer will always be 'yes', but that doesn't remove the need to ask.

Glad that your DS will be fine with a long break there.

Are there actually any deployments in the offing, btw?

Maybe he's jealous is you getting the chance for a whole summer there. If not deployed, will he be able to arrange leave for any part of it?

You only have this one, short, precious life. Do you want to waste it being under someone else's thumb? You're not a puppet, you're an independent adult even if you are in a relationship.

DD and DIL would love me to move there if it were possible. DD has already asked if i would be able to be around as much as i can before and after. I've told them, I'll do whatever they need/want from me. I'm not interested in taking over. This is their request.

He is definitely not interested in going over to Gibraltar, he hates it there. He doesn't go on holiday anywhere, he prefers to stay home. He says it's because he pays for me and kids to go camping during the year with his mother so he makes sure we are happy and have fun.

For the past 6 months he hasn't been deployed because he is depressed and on medication, so they wouldn't deploy him. But he will be allowed to deploy from end of jan.

I feel angry that i have to put things on hold for him. The sooner i get flights booked, the cheaper it'll be.
DIL has nephews and nieces the same age as my son so he'll have friends to play with as well.

Is he trickle or bloc posted for deployment?

I'm not sure

Thank you for your opinions

If you didn't go, your DH would be permitted to continue controlling your life and your access to / relationships with your DCs.

If you didn't go, your DD would know why (I'd presume). It would forever upset her.

What would make you most happy?
Just do that.

Plus i know for a fact that i would hold it against him and that would be the nail in the coffin to our marriage

This situation has made me think that, there's bigger problem in our marriage then i care to admit. I feel like i give him too much say about what i do in life. Or maybe I'm just dramatising this. Not sure what's what right now.

Trickle deployment