Close male / female friendships in the Army

[housequestion]

Would welcome your thoughts on this situation.

DH is a serving army officer with the usual cohort of army friends etc, some closer than others. One of his close friends is a female officer, they've known each other for years and years since they served in the same regiment together as young officers.

I've obviously met her on several occasions and she's been to our house but we've never really 'clicked'. Not sure what it is but we just haven't. She's perfectly pleasant and friendly etc but we lead quite different lives and don't have much in common. I'm happy for her to be DH's friend rather than 'our' friend.

Now DH and her are going to be on the same course for a number of months and both will be living at the training venue.

I should say I've never had any concerns about them but I mentioned to another friend who is non-army but who has met her and she asked me if I was worried about them spending so much time together away from home. I should say my non-army friend is not a stirrer but doesn't really like this woman.

That got me thinking. I WASN'T worried but I'm starting to wonder if I'm stupidly naive. I think the army is the kind of environment where men and women do form very close friendships due to the nature of the job. However I'm also aware that the divorce rate is quite high!

I know DH is looking forward to being on the course with her and I know the feeling is mutual. She has sent him a few texts saying they should buy a coffee machine together to share etc.

So was I being stupidly naive before and should I have a chat with DH or am I being paranoid now? Please reassure me this is normal! Or not!

She is single by the way although has had various relationships in the time I've known her.

Hmmm. Now I am a servicewoman (albeit leaving shortly), and I have plenty of male friends; there isn't much choice! But honestly, none of it extends as far as that. Obviously, some of them are married, and we might all (as a group, or in twos) go to buy takeout coffee if we're working late, or on a short course together.

But... There is a line which none of us cross. That line into slight over familiarity. If you feel like it's been crossed, then you have every right to address it with your DH.

I don't have the personal numbers of work colleagues, btw, we fb message one another only to tell one another we might be late for work, or our kids are sick, to avoid tying up work lines.

Well, we know people cheat. We know that it doesn't matter whether it's military or not. But military relationships, in my opinion, tend to be closer than "civilian" relationships because you have to have an insane amount of trust in your fellow servicemen and women.

My husband is no longer active-service. We met after he left the service and I'll be honest, I don't know how well I would have handled him being in (he was deployed a LOT). I have the utmost respect for people like you who's loved ones are gone so often.

All that said, I don't think there's much you can do that will help how you're feeling (depending on your situation). He IS in the service. He can tell you he won't see her (even as a friend) but you won't know if he will. You can tell him your concerns and he'll either admit it, or be hurt that you don't trust him (whether he is or isn't doing it). He is STILL going to that training and he is still in the service.

So the question I have for you is this - what do you expect him to do with the knowledge you're not sure about their relationship? And would telling him you're not sure about it do any good?

I think all you can really do is tell him that you're a little uncomfortable with how close they're getting (the coffee machine thing for instance is very... "housey"). What else you say depends on your relationship. In mine I could say to my husband "This is making and and I look bad. I love you, I trust you, but people are thinking you're cheating on me and I can't stop gossip and it's hurtful to me (and the kids - if applicable). I think you guys need to take a step back. Maybe she's getting a crush on you. Maybe she's becoming too dependent on you but I just need you to know I'm not feeling comfortable right now".

You weren't feeling worried about it until someone planted thoughts in your head. You knew about the texts, he wasn't keeping it from you. He also tells you he's excited about going and about her being there too. A cheater is most likely going to be secretive and less transparent (he could have not told you she was going, not told you about the texts etc). You know your husband. You know the kind of man he is. You have to trust that he loves you and would never do something so selfish to hurt you. That's not naive, that's what a good relationship is about.

sykadelic I like the thing you put down OP could say to her DH. It is a unique situation, but I agree the coffee machine is a bit 'housey'. There are some things that just toe over the line into unacceptable and I think that might be one. I think you said the lady isn't in a relationship? If you're not married, it can be hard to see what is ok to a married person and what's not.

Ex was forces then police. One of his closest friends was/is still serving. She was more his friend than ours. They're still extremely close. I never had any worries, nor does his current partner. Neither did you until someone who doesn't understand the lifestyle said something. If you were not worried before, then you don't need to be now.
I also have a good friend I work with, though we're in the same organisation we don't work together. We often share the long drive to work as we live along the same long journey though he's further away. On snowy nights he's stayed over at mine. His wife is fine with it. I can assure you it is absolutely possible for people of the opposite sex to just be friends.