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Forces sweethearts

If you have a family member in the Royal Navy, RAF or army, find support from other Mumsnetters here.

Feeling lonely and cheated... Weekend husband

5 replies

Stressball · 31/08/2013 02:00

Get comfy, this is going to be a long one!

Moved to the West Midlands 3 years ago due to DH posting. Was only ever going to be for 3 yrs then move again, as you do in the military.
We made the decision to buy a house as had move 3 times in 6 months(!) so was desperate for some stability for our older daughter who has just started studying for her GCSE's
So, I'm stuck here with our hormonal teenage daughter and our youngest, (15mths) working full time and with no family support (live 3 hrs drive away) and probably 1 person I could call a real friend (who doesn't even live that close, don't see her from one month to the next but know she's there should any emergency arrive) anyway, back to the task in hand...

DH is in Portsmouth throughout the week and home at weekends which is 100 times worse than I could ever imagine. I've stopped crying every Sunday when he leaves which is a bonus, but have turned into a crazed loony wife! His job situation means he is working with 80-90% females and i'm struggling to adjust during the week.
So, after a few weeks I got use to it, he loves me and our little family etc etc.
Comes home this weekend and I see messages pop up in the laptop whilst watching GBBO from one of the ladies he works with. They had all gone out on a bender in the week and it all got a bit, and I quote, 'inappropriate'

DH was asleep at this point but that soon changed when I challenged him about these messages...

It was basically flirtatious messages, she had gone skinny dipping when the group split at the end of the night - day after txt from DH to her says 'wish I went'. He had also said he was horny in one of the messages... There's more along those lines but nothing to suggest anything has actually happened with any of these girls, just very flirty. Few other things within the group happened that night that I'd consider normal drinker banter, but still fuels this fire!

I think he loves the attention and it feeds his ego, these girls are early to late 20's... afterall, what red blooded 30 something male wouldn'tlike the attention!! but this has crossed the harmless flirting line, if there is such a thing as harmless flirting in a happy marriage...?

I know it happens, I'm not completely naive. Go to a bar, flirt with the opposite sex, may even get a drink, but that's where it stops. Thats where the 'harmless' stops... it's the texting and reminiscing of the night out together, and the fact they work together that gets me. This week is going to be hard to say goodbye.

He has said he is sorry and would never actually do anything, and this is the wake up call he needed. He had a wave if guilt whilst texting during the week and stopped, but too little too late? That seed of doubt has been planted and my psycho stalker nature has been reignited after telling myself he needs a life Mon-Friday too!!! Even though I don't have any me time, ever. Deep down I know he would never cheat me, but I already feel cheated on through these messages. It's just going to be very hard to forget

Just want to know really is anyone else in my situation where their hubby is away during the week? Not sure if I can cope with this for 3 years, strongly considering renting the house and moving back into MQ in Portsmouth, but it's such an upheaval for the girls.... And at such s crucial time in DDs education. Feeling very confused right now. You guys are the only ones that may know how I feel being apart from the man I love!

OP posts:
IndianMummy · 31/08/2013 10:38

Poor you...those msgs are def. inaapropriate, and once trust is broken, it's very difficult to get back. I don't really have any advice to give - I cannot even imagine what I would do in such a situation...

On a more general note, it seems like you've constantly got a lot on your plate; if you could somehow tell the husband that you need some 'me' time and organise to maybe go to a coffee shop by yourself, or to a yoga class, or meet up with a friend or new people once a week for a couple of hours - it might help your stress levels and give you some distance...

Anyway, my heart goes out to you and I hope you get clarity soon...xx

justhayley · 02/09/2013 01:52

Hiya,
I don't really have any advice but didn't want to read and run.

We are a weekend family as well- actually at the moment DPs on exercise in Canada for 8 weeks so were not even that Hmm. Iv got a 16 month old & no what if feel like not having any me time!
Iv done a fair amount of raging jealousy as well! After Xmas DP was on adventure training (aka skiing holiday) he came back and there were photos of his friends drinking shots off a girls ridiculously flat stomach! Even though it wasn't DP & he swares he never took part it made me crazy that he was even in a situation where he could do that, while I was at home thinking he was working!! On his last AT he went to Cyprus diving (few weeks ago) he always refers to the people he went with as "my soldiers" when he home I was looking at the pics and realised 2 were really pretty young blondes! There was no inappropriate photos but I hated the fact he was on "holiday" with 20 something girls.
DP always pays down the social side of the army in the week because he knows I'm not getting to do anything because I have our son.

It is really hard being away & we do need extra buckets of trust than non military families.
I don't blame you for being crazy over the texts I'd be exactly the same - cuddles.

Has your daughter got 1 year left of her GCSE's? maybe grin and bear another year of weekending then consider moving back to MQ?

Hope your ok
Here for a chat on PM or here if you need it
Xx

Mojavewonderer · 16/09/2013 12:18

Totally inappropriate messages and behaviour.
It would be fine if he was single but he's not and he should stop acting like he is.
Just because he's in the forces and away from home does not mean he is exempt from the boundaries of your marriage.
How would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot?
If I were you I would get this sorted out ASAP before he steps over that line he seems to be standing very near to. Not only would your marriage be at risk of he cheated but also his job would be on the line too. I know a chap who cheated with a colleague and he ended up getting a 24hr posting and losing his promotion.

sailorsgal · 25/09/2013 09:01

DH is moving to a shore job in Portsmouth in Jan and I am hoping it's preferable to been at sea for 5 months. I work part-time and go to yoga/fitness classes most days when ds is at school. I find the weekends harder to be honest but we have inlaws close by. I would be mightily pissed off by that kind of behaviour as I often remind dh that he is at work and not on a jolly! Smile

TwoStepsBeyond · 25/09/2013 09:46

I have to say, I would be wary of uprooting the DDs again to be closer to someone who was acting so disrespectfully to you and your marriage. You shouldn't need to live with him for him to remember that he has a wife and to act accordingly.

My X was not in the forces but worked away from home on contracts for several months at a time, coming home only at weekends. There was never any suspicion of infidelity, but if there had been, I'd have been much happier knowing that my home and the children's school were stable and not dependent on his location.

It is hard being apart, but if your relationship is strong you can manage it without either of you needing the 'ego boost' of flirting and texting other people for kicks.

FWIW my marriage broke up when XH came home to live with us full time, as I realised how easy it had been when he wasn't here!

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