Alone with newborn while husband on tour

[Candice83]

Hi,
My OH is currently deployed in Afghan. Our first son was born 4 weeks ago and OH had his R&R 2 days after the birth and went back 2 weeks ago. Since he has gone back I can't believe how overwhelmed I've been with everything. I'm breast feeding and on average it's every 2 hrs, which I understand to be fairly normal but seems so constant. Baby isn't the best sleeper in his moses which I think is to do with his terrible trapped wind so he sleeps best on my chest. I am keeping on with the moses but admit in the middle of the night when I'm shattered I sometimes just have him in with me and we nap a bit together in the afternoon. It feels like he just cries and feeds but everyone else's baby is happy and sleeping!! I love my son to bits but I feel like I'm just rubbish and can't cope alone and maybe he is unhappy with me. We have a dog too and getting him walked seems like a massive challenge. Weekends are great as I go to my parents and everything seems so much better. They say it's very early days at 4 weeks and to cut myself some slack but it's hard as I didn't think I'd feel like this. Has anyone else had similar experiences and felt like this. I feel terrible as I'm aware of what a precious gift he is and to moan like this seems so wrong. I miss my husband terribly too and worry something chronic, feels like we have even more at stake now and since our son arrived I've loved my husband even more than before. I don't expect it to be easy by any stretch but I'd just like to feel a bit more in control of things and get a bit of decent sleep. On the plus I've got just under 3 months until OH home which I'm sure will fly by. Sorry to moan, just thought it might help to see if anyone else out there in a similar boat xxx

I found the newborn stage bloody hard, and my DH is not in the Forces.

It's ok to struggle, my god I did. Maybe could you arrange some

Sorry posted too soon. Could you arrange a dog walker to take care of his walks? I wouldn't of been able to walk my dog in the early days.

Hi yes I did think about that and have also considered moving to my parents for the rest of the tour. I suppose I need to get proactive rather than wait for a miracle cure lol! I think I'm just shocked about how badly I'm coping as have always been an independant and confident person, feel like a fish out of water now!!xx

Newborns are hard bloody work. I'd say move to your parents for more of the week at least if this is an option.

It gets better when they reach 6 weeks & lots better at 12 weeks so lower your expectations & accept help where you can.

Go stay for a week at your folks, then next week stay for 4-6 days etc until you're coping a bit better. It's a vulnerable & emotional time so take support where you can

Good luck x

I had similar 8 yrs ago when my eldest was born, I spent a LOT of time living at my parent's house (3 hrs from where I lived) until the baby was a few months old.

It helped a lot just having other people around to chat to etc, I'm pretty independent usually but my family made my life a lot easier. Don't feel as if you're 'giving up', be kind to yourself.

My DH went out of area when our DD was 12 weeks old, which was a lot easier than coping with a 4 week old. My advice would be to make things easy for yourself - let the baby sleep in with you, if anyone offers ANY help, accept it. Did anyone say "if you need anything, just ask"?, then take them up on it. Go and stay with your parents. You won't win any prizes for being a "coper". Give yourself a break. Having a newborn is hard enough when you have a partner and family nearby.

It's so hard and so lonely. I can't even imagine how much harder it is with a tiny baby. You'll manage though and things will get easier. You'll be superwoman by the time he gets back! But do ask for help - it's not cheating!

Thanks so much for your replies, does make me feel so much better as had started to feel like a failure! I'm going to go to my parents with the dog and accept the help. Once I'm feeling more confident I'll start spending the odd night at home and work up from there. Thanks again as has made me feel a lot more positive. I love DS and being a Mum but I was starting to resent it somedays xxx

You are absolutely doing the right thing.

My DH is not in the forces but does work away a fair bit. I always thought of myself as very independent but actually when you have children sometimes we all need a bit of help. Being able to ask for and accept it is a hard thing to do.

You are sleep deprived, physically still in recovery, making the biggest emotional shift of your life - and you are doing it with your DH away (and, I suspect, whilst putting on a very brave face for him) You're doing a bloody brilliant job - staying with your folks so you've got someone to bring you a cuppa, help out with the endless washing and make you a butty once in a while is a very sensible idea.

It does get easier, I promise

Gosh, don't worry about resenting it. I felt bad so many times. It's so easy to lose patience when it's your turn yet again to go and settle the crying baby. Just ignore the baby books and all the other mums and just COPE. Go to bed and sleep when you can and just get through it.

It makes me cry thinking about those lonely days. I remember changing DD's nappies and making up songs about her daddy and singing them to her. Or just talking to her about her daddy. It was lonely, but it kind of felt less bad having her to keep me busy and talk to. I hope things get easier for you and you have some lovely friends and family to help out. People do like to feel useful you know.

Good luck and chin up x

Thank you all so much. I'm moving to my parents tomorrow for 2 or 3 weeks. By then DS will be 7 / 8 weeks and I am praying the feeding will have calmed and perhaps he may be able to sleep a few hours in his own bed rather than on me, let's pray anyway!! Thanks again, I'm feeling so much better about it all x x x

My DP was at Sandhurst when our newborn arrived. He was only home every 3 weeks so although it's a totally different scale to you I understand what it's like to have a non sleeping breastfeeding colic baby to look after on your own.
I ended up staying at my mums until DS was 7/8 weeks I was more overwhelmed and emotional than I ever imagine and having extra hands to make u a cuppa and hold the baby while you take a bath or even pee is a godsend.
I ended up with DS co sleeping he hated his Moses and crib and when your feeding so often it's just easier to have them in with you. Don't feel bad or disappointed with yourself about routines and sleep etc just do what ever you need to to get you through the newborn stage. Of it makes u feel better when I finally moves home DS & I slept in the living room so when he woke for the 50th time in the night I could watch tv - it past the time lol. (didn't me ruin it to my HV though). 4 weeks is early, it does get easier after 6 weeks and after 12 you'l start to feel human again.
You feel like your feeding constantly because you pretty much are. It's every 2 hours but by the time the feeds done and your burped and put back to sleep it's pretty much time to start again. Feeling emotional overwhelmed and a bit crap is normal but if it continues it's always worth talking to your HV just encase it's PND.
Keep your within about your husband to a minimum from what iv heard Afgan is boring and nothing really happening out there now - your having a harder time and less sleep than him your husband will be home safely very soon.
Lots of tea and cake until then
Xxxx

Hi Hayley, bloody hard isn't it! I'm still at parents and DS is 8 weeks on Monday. I guess things are a bit better in the sense I can now generally get snacks and wash, toilet!! He does have some chilled time where he will sit in his chair happily and I think I'm getting some smiles and he now loves the bath, he's a different baby in water!! Still co-sleeping as it is just easier for feeds which are still 2 hrly if not more in day sometimes. Heading home Monday to give it a go. Have a friend who is a teacher on summer hols round corner who keen to help me! Seeing GP tomorrow so will explain all. I don't think I'm PND as I now have more of a sense of humour about it all now and have had some good days, although I do get a bit down at times and feel quite anxious somedays. Esp when people keep telling me I need a routine or put him on the bottle!! I am praying the 12 week point brings more positives.
Yes DH always moaning he is bored haha! I tell him that's how I like it and that if isn't missing many smiles and giggles here ;)
How old is your little one now? And are things better with sleeping, feeding etc or did they get better in their own time. People keep saying about rod for my own back etc which I kind of think at this age might be rubbish!! I also just keep picturing my son as I miserable 2 year old who cries and never smiles, which I know is awful, but I just worry as he is like that most the time and I think it'll never change!! Thanks for your reply, non of my friends can relate at all as their babies seem to have all been more content so I'm sure they think all this is down to me!
xxxx

Aww I remember this well, except I was out in Cuprus and my x was in the uk doing his cpl training.
While you have no real ties just enjoy being with your family and stay for as long as you can. My mum came out for 2 weeks when my dd was first born and I missed my mum terribly when she went. Luckily for me I was a natural at breast feeding and I co slept with my dd so there was no sleeping problems and dd and I had a lovely time while my x was away. When he came back he had to actually fit into our routine.
Once everything settles down and you get into a routine you'll be fine.
Next time my dh goes on deployment I will be home alone with 3 dc's luckily they keep me busy :)

Obviously I meant Cyprus lol :)

Yeah Mum's are amazing aren't they!! I came back home a week ago and things have been better. DS still very unsettled with suspected reflux + colic but I feel more able to cope with him and I can take dog out, feed myself, shower etc. BF has been going well and we still co sleep although I'm gradually working on him being in his moses beside me, very small steps on that tho! So glad I did go to my parents for those few weeks or I'd be in a right mess I think. I'm sure 3 kids will certainly keep you more than busy, I don't know how you do it! One seems so much work alone lol! Although I do think I'd like to do this one more time, so ds has a sibling and dh can see it all and help too ;) x

Aww so glad it's all falling onto place but I knew it would because us wags are made of stronger stuff. Keep your chin up and look after that lovely dc of yours and I'm dh will be home in no time :)

Lol I meant 'your dh will be home in no time'

I changed names btw because I no longer felt like a ficklefrancis lol just to confuse you ;)

Just posted this on another thread but it's relevant to you too - www.home-start.org.uk/ may be able to help with a bit of support once you're back in your own place.

Lol thanks! Yes us WAGS are pretty tough when we need to be! X

Thank u for the link too :)

Hi Candice, I've only just noticed this thread. Is their a SSAFA office where you are? If not give them a ring, you'll find the number on their website www.ssafa.org.uk . They are brilliant at giving practical support, using volunteers for some of it. For example, while my friend was deployed her partner injured himself, and SSAFA found volunteer dogwalkers to help him out. They can do all sorts, and support members of any of the forces and their families.
All the best, those early days with your first are total culture shock!!

Hi, I'm 20 weeks pregnant at the moment and my husband is deploying in 2 weeks, so I'm feeling anxious myself. Especially as we just moved to Northern Ireland from Manchester a few months back and I don't know too many people over here.

Are there mother and baby classes etc you can join in with? I'm trying to build a circle of friends so I have some people I can rely on.

Sounds like going to your parents is the right decision for you. Good luck, you're doing a great job!

X

Hi Sam,
Sorry only just seen your post. Congratulations on your pregnancy :)
I have joined a couple of groups and things are a lot better in general. It turned out DS was tongue tied but no one had noticed so we struggled for 10 weeks but now it has been cut he is so much more content.
It is really hard having our husbands away at this time in our lives but it does pass the time quicker once baby arrives that's for sure. DH back in about 4 weeks now thankfully and it has flown by.
It's a good idea to build a circle of friends now and all I can say is don't be afraid to accept help. I'm sure you will be fine, and once you get into the swing of things it's the best thing ever.
Hope you are ok. The build up to them going is so hard, sometimes I think that is the worst bit. Take care x