Fed up (mild in the grand scheme of things)

[SnapSnafu]

DH has an unusual deployment pattern, being away about 4 months a year, in various trips of up to 2 months, which is very wearing (short trips are more disruptive than long in some ways).

He's 1 week into a 6 week one at the moment. He's all fed up and bored. So am I. But he shows no interest in me or how it's going, just feels sorry for himself, and phones for the kids. Can't get much info out of him. I can't moan to him because it doesn't help and makes him feel bad that he's not here, so I don't. I just keep plodding on with the dullness of a life dealing with the admin of life at home (3 primary school). No family around. Friends, well they're great but well, we're all busy. I just want a hug. Verbal would do. By email. Not going to get it, am I? I need to rally myself and not stay up to 3bloody30 feeling sorry for myself.

Can someone give me a kick up the arse please?

And I will go to bed now.

Hi Snap,I'm a stranger sending you a hug,because I know exactly how you are feeling.He's bottling it up,and you want to scream and let it all out.And yes shortish trips can be even more disruptive cos you can't get into a proper groove with you're life,and real communication between you both is so difficult.
Having three young children is wearing in itself , at the best of times you start to disappear.
Can you email him? Tell him you love him and miss him,and make some nice plans for when he gets back?Talking is generally the way forward,though men are notoriously crap at it.( I know mine is,he is slowly improving after 20 years!!)
Hope you feel better today!

Thank you Lizzy. We're hugely talky people, and that's what I miss. Sometimes we get in a great email discussion, and can feel very close that way, but it's just not happening this time, yet. He works 12 hour shifts, on 2 days, swing, then 2 nights, then swing, which doesn't help with comms. And his phone card didn't top up last week. And he's tired.

I am working on the things you say, but I'm worn out at being the one who makes all arrangements. We've also got some financial stuff going on this month that it falls to me to deal with all of. We're also skint, so we can't afford a babysitter either - I don't want one much (being out puts you behind with coping), but I could really do with going to my swimming club for some stress relief.

In the wee small hours, I realised that with him away, I rarely laugh. I don't know how to fix that, but I'm sure it would help. I'm a right miserable uptight cow!

Thank you for the hug. I just want to cling on to you! I'll go away now!

Room for one more in the same boat? DH is doing a similar pattern and we are almost at breaking point. I completely agree that the coming and goings of short trips are a lot worse. I am very much used to being on my own and, I hate myself for saying this, I prefer it these days. Because DH is here less than he is away it becomes more difficult to accommodate him when he does get back. I also make every decision when it comes to the household, he literally goes out to work, I do everything else most of the time it doesn't feel like he's a part of our family.

Thankfully, DH is a great communicator (when the job allows) and we are always open and honest about how we are feeling, but there is only so long you can on for isn't there?

Nice to hear from you, FreakOfNature, as I don't really know anyone with similar patterns. Service people don't usually do this every year, and in longer trips.

I have been like you in the past, glad to see him go, dreading him coming back, but the pendulum has swung, and we're doing all right at the moment, preferring him to be here! As you say, communicating is always the answer. That's partly why I got so down this weekend. Just had a nice FB chat with him this morning though, and I'm picking myself up. 1 week in is always hard somehow.

Is yours home or away at the moment?
I kind of think you have to keep hanging in there. Especially if you actually can communicate the frustration. And that it's frustration with the situation, not with each other.

Hello! I am totally new so excuse me if I am jumping in when I am not supposed to.

Although I am new to Mumsnet I am not new to this situation at all, and might be able to suggest something to try?! We play games on the phone to stop the bored awkwardness, I hate being on the phone to chat, but like you it is pretty much the only 'proper' contact we have most of the year so we make up phone games. Even eye spy is stupid enough to get a laugh.

I know that might sound a bit ridiculous, it might not work for you... if it doesn't then just know that I TOTALLY feel your pain, I didn't see my other half for 10 months last year (2 weeks leave in the middle of a tour then away again and 1 week break later) which was utterly crap and lots of the time we didn't speak at all. We came to breaking point and had to basically restart the relationship from scratch towards the end of it, which is a bit wearing when other couples are all settled down and comfortable yet you are still physically holding it together years down the line. It's so easy to argue over the phone and then hang up too isn't it! Then cry because you didn't wan to fight and you feel bad.

Best of luck, it will all be worth it in the end, it's just a crap patch (again)

Hello, CFox, absolutely right about fighting over the phone!
I don't think the game thing would work for us, but I'll bear it in mind. We don't generally have awkward silences - we have me talking and him giving no info, and being peeved when I don't remember who he's working with (when he hasn't told me and anyway it means nothing to me as i haven't met them).
We have a big problem, at least I do, in that he's nice to everyone else but me - which I know is because he's more relaxed with me - but it feels crap.
Anyway, his minutes were topped up with the ones that didn't go on like they should have, and so he called for a long chat last nice, which was pretty good.

10 months is awful though - can't believe "they" do this to people's lives. I'm guessing RN?