CEA and marriage breakdown. Advice needed

[guttedandworried]

Hi I hope someone here may be able to help me as being the "wife of" and a civilian I cannot access the info I need/want without openly admitting to others around me and my H work how crap things have become.

Basically, I am sitting things out with my H after a horrendous few years of his endelss cheating for a variety of reasons not really relevant to this thread but one being to sort myself out before leaving.

We have 2 DC at BS. Eldest is due to sit common entrance in June 2012 & move to senior school into year 9 next Sept. She loves BS. Absolutely loves and thrives on it. I feel she would find it very hard to settle into a local school now. She also now speaks with a nice (posh) voice and has been teased at the local summer fun club on base by some local kids. I really dont think it would be good for her emotionally to move her to the local school. Its not a snob thing. Its a social thing, she is a "different" girl in that she is very different to most 13yo girls. Not very trendy, very tom boyish and not into the same kind of stuff typical 13yo girls (like my friends DDs at the local school). She is very kind and thoughtful but just not streetwise due to being in BS since age 9 and having moved house alot, never having many local friends to hang out with. She has very much lived in the independent BS bubble and only around those people. I just know she would find it very hard to adapt at the local comp.

Youngest has been at BS for 18 months and likes it but is a very different child and is deffo more of a home bird and alot more streetwise due to always having local friends to hang out with. I/We have just applied for a place at our local comp as he is due to move into year 7 next September.

My problem/issue is, I am almost ready myself now to leave my sad excuse of a husband (i know this sounds shallow and scheming - scheming it is but what he has brought upon himself through his endless cheating). However, I am worried that if we seperate my eldest will need to leave BS due to the CEA rules.

I only want her to stay boarding until the end of her GCSEs . The plan always was to have her somewhere localish for sixth form so this would not change. We are talking her leaving BS in summer 2015. So 3 1/2 years.

What happens if I left H now? Would the funding stop immeadiately?

If I waited until she has started senior school (year 9) when we will start to claim senior rate, will they then let her complete to the end of year 11 GCSEs? Or would she need to be in year 10 (1st official year of the 2 year GCSE course)? Or does the completion of stage of education not apply to seperated couples?

I just want to know the best way forward. Not to "cheat" the system but to not screw up my eldests school life. I know our sepeartion will hit her hard and probably screw her up a little bit, I dont want to change anything else in her life whilst she comes to terms with our seperation.

I would really appreciate any advice or information or upto date links to info that may help me choose when to leave. Its really hard for me put into words on here why I want DD1 to stay boarding without coming across as a pompous twit but hope you can understand where I am coming from. There are some of my old threads in relationships going back a few years now which may help explain my coldness and scheming towards my H, but they are old now. My main and only concern is for my children.

Hope someone can help.

You need to be aware of the case of the Naval Cdr who claimed CEA for both his kids, but only had custody of one. He has been done for fraud.

I would ring the CEAS (number on the MOD site), explain the situation and ask what the rules and regs are. They will tell you. No need for any names to be given.

As I understand it, if your h doesn't have custody of the kids, then there is no reason for him to have CEA, as they can live with you and attend local schools. Bearing in mind that the CEA rules are changing all the time, you need to make sure that the info is up to date. The other way to get info is to email the AFF/NFF/RAFFF and see what they say. The NFF was very helpful when I had a CEA query after the new rule change on sixth form claims.

Gutted I am sorry for your situation, would you be willing to give custody to your soon to be ex H? I only ask as if you are no longer considered a mobile family for CEA then you will be asked to pay back any money that you claimed for that stage of education that you haven't finished, they are letting people off who no longer claim due to rule changes but they are hounding others who stop claiming due to other circumstances.

Scary have you resolved your 6th form issues? Have the powers that be seen the light with regard to your DS?

We're waiting to hear if he has a place and then we'll start the claim (and the fight). The consensus seems to be that there will be problems within the system given that appointments were accepted on the basis that at the time CEA was in place for sixth form, and so a move for ds was possible. I can see many appointing plots will be screwed up by this.

I have the NFF on the case, who have pointed out a way forward and offered support, and the CEAS are also willing to help. The chain of command feel that as fees are already paid where we are, then CEA should be allowed, but we will see.

Hi thanks for your replies.

I am well aware of the recent case with the naval Cdr which is why I am want to be sure I follow the rules correctly.

I know I need to contact someone official. My H has always done all the dealings with regards to the CEA so I am completely in the dark about it.

The thought of handing over full custody of DD1 to H isnt nice but may be something I need to consider as an absolute last resort. I need to look into what this would involve and if I would still be able to see her etc, before I would agree to it. The advantage is, that her being older means she would have more say in seeing me herself. Makes me feel sick though, the very thought of it. I think I would rather stick it out here another 3 years tbh.

I think I will have to phone CEAS myself. I have never phoned them before and just hope they will hand out the info I need without me giving too many personal details.

Thank you again.

If anyone else has anything to add, been through anything similar, please feel free to comment or even PM me if you prefer.

CEAS are the only people who can advise; I don't know how much personal info they will need to advise properly.

Only the serving soldier can claim CEA. If he has custody, then this will have to mean exactly what it says on the tin - he will need to take on a quarter and she will need to be ordinarily resident with him, so that means nigh on all her holidays with him. She cannot reside with you. Would your DH go along with this, and the extra cost and admin it will bring him?

This arrangement will be noticeable to them, as they will know you have relinquished CEA for other DD. You can expect to be scrutinised, and they may well make the argument that there is no reason why both DDs cannot live with you and that you must forfeit the claim, or that both should be with him (unless you can show a non-CEA reason for separating a family in this way).

That probably isn't what you wanted to hear, but the allowance is to provide stable education for Forces children of mobile families, not to pay for the education you most want when there is a non-mobile home available.

They are however exceedingly unlikely to seek repayment for the education your DCs have had so far, as that has been done in accordance with the rules and family break up cannot be planned for (IYSWIM). As both DDs are at natural breakpoints (the two ordinary end prep leaving points), then I would expect this year to be covered but it to cut off thereafter.

Can you afford at all the sort of school you want? Could you find an affordable day school for DD1, maybe with a bursary? Or investigate state boarding?

I would speak to the bursar at your school too. I know of several children who are on nearly full bursaries as parents have split up and the mother not been able to pay at our school, if your DD is already there, settled and doing reasonably well they will probably jump at the chance to give you a bursary as for them you are a underprivileged single parent, the right sort of parent to keep their charitable status and tick the we help the poor box.

I agree with pimms but also know of a case where the serving DH has full custody of the children so they still keep claiming CEA. I wholeheartedly disagree with this (and CEA but that's another story) but it's the way they've done it and actually, both parents still see the children as much as the other.

If the rules allow it nomiddle, and they seem to, then what is the problem?

If you don't have CEA for those that are mobile, then the kids have a problem with their education. You need at least 4 years in one place for KS4 and 5, and I haven't seen anyone guaranteeing 4 years + appointments/posting yet. Serving married unaccompanied outside the UK is bloody difficult, and weekending within the UK after 4 years gets wearing, especially when you can be weekending from Faslane to Cornwall.

Gutted - sorry to hear of your problem. I have to say that although I would love to take advantage of CEA one day (DSs too young at the moment), I or rather we, won't be as I couldn't cope with the rules and disruption to life, and constantly moving goal posts.

DH almost on route to Faslane again , but we are staying firmly where we are. Thought about it quite seriously this time, as my job could transfer to Glasgow, but the boys are happy at school and I am not putting self through another move.

Sorry to hijack btw. And good luck Scarey with your claim / fight.

scary I guess I'm just a bit [frown] at say a family of 4, as an example, where they all go into the boarding system at 7/8 and stay until 18.....that's around 1.5 million CEA for one family (these figures are approx).

But yes scary you are right saying that if the rules allow, then why not.

I don't disagree completely btw - just think it should only be for overseas reasons or the forces should list 3 or 4 schools where forces children can go and that's that. Tjose schools could then lower rates and CEA could be less.

nomiddlename: I don't think it would be fair to do that. It must be a hellish decision to board your children, and to have the choice if what school would really be in their best interests limited to only 3 or 4 would be unfair. There is so much more to boarding than just the education, and proximity to wider family might be really important.

There is already a list of schools for which CEA can be claimed. I really don't think it would be right to shorten it so dramatically.

nomiddle have to agree with meditrina it would not be practical to limit the choice to 3/4 schools. A few reasons that come to mind include:

• different children need different schools. Yes I know non-boarding DC too need a variety of schools but when DCs are boarding to don't get the chance to top up on the things a day school is omitting.
• boarding schools have compulsory exeats and therefore DC need to be near grandparents etc
• schools need to be near good transport links eg airports as it is very expensive to get DC to airports especially when they are at prep school.

As for claiming, you have to go by the rules, if you fulfill the rules claim I would. I must say though that the spirit of the rules means that the DC should live totally (a grey area, what does it actually mean) with the claiming parent and visit the other. I would like to think the system would be suspicious if one child was still with the other parent. Please OP this is not me having a go at you personally but the reason for CEA is "family mobility" and "continuity of education" and your reasoning seems to be linked closely to type of education you would like your DC to have.

Good point goinggetstough - it's supposed to be all about mobility so if the OP is no longer living with the mobile forces member, then she is stable and not mobile.

...which is why I cautioned her upthread about the RN Cdr who got done for precisely this reason.

Nomiddle - we are looking for CEA as we have to move from Brussels back to UK in the first term of Year 13. Had we known that this was going to happen, I would have moved back at the end of Year 9, and dh would not have taken another appointment here. The alternative (which I'm sure MOD would like) is that I move back next year after GCSEs and make arrangements now for sixth form in UK near our home. Dh becomes Married Unaccompanied. However, I'm not sure I can cope with more six weeking (you can't weekend from Brussels to the Westcountry), having done it for 2 years before we moved.

Gutted I am so sorry I cannot offer any advice nor help much but can reassure you that you are not the only person in this situation.

I am in a very simlar situation with my DC and it seems my philandering excuse of a husband is probably upto his old tricks again.

I am sat here agonising about ending my marriage. Being married to a lieing philandering self centred prick is killing me and turning me into a bitter bitch.

The only reason I have not upped and packed my bags today is I am sat here agonising how it will turn my childrens lives upside down. Especially my eldest. I could not give a shit about the private education but its the boarding community that has become a stable part of her life and a part she absoletly loves. If I up and leave her whole world will crash and everything she has worked so hard for - her scholarship to her next school will all have been for nothing. I would loive to send her to our local comp and have her here with me, but she does not want this. Tough - she wont have an option if I leave but I know where you are coming from when you say about your DC not being as streetwise. Boarding is shit for teaching kids proper life skills - like being streetwise. My DD is also different, I know if I sent her to our local comp it would be like taking a lamb to the slaughter. Not because there is anything wrong with the kids that go there but because my DD is quirky and different and at 13 thats like wearing a sign on your forehead saying punch me!

I hate my husband for doing what he has done. He persuaded me to send them to BS telling me it was for the best for their stability etc! And yes it has offered them that and they have loved it but they have become very different children to the ones they may have been if we had kept them with us. .

I hate him because he chose to take them out of the normal system knowing full well he was risking his marriage by screwing around. I cant and wont forgive him for that because if I leave him now, it will be my DC that suffer the most not him and not me!

I really want to stay just for the DC sake so they dont have to cope with a divorce and loosing every single one of their school friends and their second home (school) that they absolutely love.

Its a shit situation but I dont think I can stay any longer! I would rather kill myself!

Gutted feel free to PM me, I have read your older posts and I am so sorry you are living like you are, because I am living the same pile of crap too. Our lives seem to have some very bizarre and sad similarities.

Have you come to a decision yet Gutted?