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Forces sweethearts

If you have a family member in the Royal Navy, RAF or army, find support from other Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Chances of DH being allowed to miss exercise??

14 replies

Bunbun78 · 03/05/2011 16:22

Hello

We found out about DH's new posting the week after we found out we were pg (after trying for a baby for about 18 months) and were initially fairly pleased with it until we found out it came with a 6 month trip to the desert starting about 4 weeks after our due date - cue lots of tears from me!

I've just about got used to the idea of coping with a new baby by myself but we've now found out that there is a 3 week training exercise in the USA that he has to go on - and typically our due date falls right in the middle.

What do people with more experience than me think the odds are that he'll be allowed to come home after a week or so so he can be there for the birth, or that they'll fly him home when things start to happen??? (he might still not make it in time depending on flights etc) As it's our first baby I know it might well be late and take a while to arrive but I'm also aware that anything could happen!!

My mum is ready to come up and be with me, but as he's going away so soon afterwards, it was one comfort to us that he would at least be around when it was born, so he's just as upset as I am about it and no one seems to be able to give him an answer - typical Army! It's only about a month away now and as it's a training exercise not a deployment I'm trying hard to be optimistic but I know how much the army seems to care about this kind of thing... And as we've only just moved I don't really know anyone here who can give me any clues about the way the guys here think!

Any opinions welcome...

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 03/05/2011 17:15

If he misses the training won't that muck up future placements? No experience but tbh this comes with life in the services. My cousin went to Iraq (in the second Gulf War) when their first dc was 4 days old and his wife had had a c-section. It's just awful but it is what you make it. You will manage one way or the other. Hope he is at home for the baby though.

OfflineFor30Seconds · 03/05/2011 20:04

I think they would fly him home, but exactly when may depend on how they are getting out there, whether it's Crab Air or scheduled. If it's scheduled he will probably have to take a punt on when the baby's likely to be born and they'll book a ticket based on that. But be prepared that if the baby doesn't come when expected it may be difficult for him to change the flight.

Chulita · 03/05/2011 20:09

A lot depends on the hierarchy's view - some places are really good about getting dads back for the due date. The trick is to make sure that he's let his bosses know the due date and made a big deal of it being his 1st child. The other thing is that if they don't seem bothered about it he could try the welfare officer who might be able to swing something.
Good luck!

madwomanintheattic · 03/05/2011 20:15

if it's pre-deployment trg it might be difficult (depending on his actual role) for him to skip the exercise - the mod gets in enough bother for not training the troops adequately enough for operational deployments if something goes wrong.

he needs to discuss it with his boss - no-one else can make a sensible judgement... usually if it's possible he'd get a couple of days at home, and be there for the birth, but sometimes it just isn't.

we've only had one close call. dh was due back from kosovo a week before dd1 was due. if she'd been early he wouldn't have made it. as it was, he came home to find an elephant had eaten his scrawny wife, and a new dog that took some convincing he lived in the house. he kept glancing nervously at my vast belly with a 'wtf' look.

fingers crossed all the timings work out. babies can be reasonably well behaved when there's a small window of opportunity x

vintageteacups · 03/05/2011 21:05

I honestly think that the biggest chance would be if he could delay his op tour by swapping with someone else if at all possible but this obviously depends on his job/whole batalllion/reg deployment (which I guess it may well be).

They do usually try and fly them back for the birth although will be trickier from the US.

Is there any way he could stay with the rear party and not go at all or is that not an option? I'm not sure in these kinds of deployments - DH has only ever gone once with his regiment; the rest were always either him on his own or with a couple of others going to HQ so different and easier to get more flexibility for start/end dates etc.

Hope you get to speak to your unit welfare officer soon - they could help in working out possible solutions.

scaryteacher · 03/05/2011 21:48

It depends - my ds was early and dh was somewhere under the ocean and didn't know ds was born until 3 days after the event. They did manage to get him back, and they like to do it when they can, but if he had been on patrol as opposed to Perisher running, there would have been no way he could have come home, or even known about ds until weeks after.

Best advice I can give is to plan for the worst and hope for the best. Get your Mum there in plenty of time before hand, or a friend who will go with you when you go into labour, and if your dh is there it's a bonus.

Tbh, my dh wasn't sure he wanted to be there, and I didn't want him there either, so it solved the problem of the sodding community midwife who kept offering to write to dh's HoD to get him released for the birth. She couldn't seem to grasp the dh was the HoD and would be staffing the letter saying I can't release myself to be there!

Original poster

Bunbun78 · 04/05/2011 08:47

Thanks all - he has a meeting booked in with some big boss next week so is going to plead his case then. Sadly not a regimental deployment, more on an HQ level so no chance of not going on ops or swapping with someone else...

I'm not even sure if there is a unit welfare officer!!

oh well, fingers crossed - it's training on some kind of IT system (we think) so he's going to try and convince them he's a fast learner and a week will be more than enough time for him to pick it up...

OP posts:

coccyx · 04/05/2011 12:19

good luck, welcome to family life in forces

vintageteacups · 04/05/2011 12:39

Could he not go over to the US early and get his 3 weeks done then?

I'd have thought that going solo so to speak would be easier to delay/alter dates of person he's taking over from etc? Or maybe not if it's a specific system they're bringing in.

Hope you get some help.

MissingMySleep · 04/05/2011 12:48

is there any way he can get his training done earlier, maybe investigate who else is getting that training and tag along with them? its good if he goes to his boss offering solutions not just problems, they will be more likely to listen to him

davidtennantsmistress · 05/05/2011 21:10

good luck, fwiw I'm 24weeks pg now, DP was told when I was 8 weeks he'd be away for 2 months - this increased & was brought forward, his superiors told him to suck it up basically as he was going (but don't get me started off again!) he was told that they'd ship him home for the birth if they could but otherwise they didn't care that I was due in august when he comes back as it's not their problem.

we're now keeping our fingers crossed he's home in time, but I shall join you in saying loud & clear bloody sodding army! (unless of course they let DP stay on his new ship he's swopping for as then he'll be home in 8 weeks and I shall personally kiss every senior in his unit!) :o

clare565 · 06/05/2011 19:14

Hi,
My DH is in the desert as we speak and I am due in 9 days. We have decided not to try and get him home as flights are often delayed, baby maybe late or early and it maybe more stressful trying to get him home so we have planned his R&R for August so we can enjoy 2 weeks as a new family and hopefully I will know what I am doing by then (my first baby!!) and then once he goes back it will only be a few months to push before he is back for good. Then as I will still be on mat leave we will have 3 months off together just the 3 of us which we would never have unless it was post tour leave - Can you tell I'm looking at the positives!
We didn't even try to stop him going or ask about coming back for the birth but every Unit will have a welfare Officer who is there for this kind of thing, so please ask your DH to speak to him too. I am glad he has a meeting with his Seniors and all you can do is ask! I am serving in the Army too so I think this helps my understanding but it is still sh*t!!!!!!

mpsw · 07/05/2011 17:58

How are you getting on? Has he been able to do anything about the dates?

Original poster

Bunbun78 · 13/05/2011 10:51

Hi all, thanks for all your advice/thoughts. We had good news this week - they are going to let him leave the training after the first 5 days so he should be home 3 days before our due date - so I am going to be avoiding all spicy food and spending the week he is away lying very still!! obviously the baby will still come when it wants but at least the odds are better now! :-D

Clare565 and davidtenantsmistress - I really empathise with you both - if it was operations I know we wouldn't have stood a chance and wouldn't have even tried, but luckily his boss recognised that there would be people out there who wouldn't have had as much pre-deployment training as he has, and so is giving him a break. Will be buying him a bottle of very expensive whisky!! Hope everything goes well for you both.

So now all fingers crossed please that it is a 'typical' late baby!! (but not too late as we want him to 'enjoy' (?!?) as long together as we can!

OP posts:

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