Honest Advice and info please <3

[justhayley]

Hi everyone,
Just came accross this forum its great.
Im 27 and have been with my partner for 6 1/2 years. He has just been offered a place at sandhurst to begin officer training.
Im really proud of him as its something that he's wanted to do his whole life......however, I hate the idea of not being wth him and always said I would not be with someone who was not around! Now the situation has become a reality I don't know how to feel.
He isnt 100% that he is going to take the position yet - mainly because of me.
I don't want him not to live out his dreams to stay with me, but on the other hand I dont want to have to stop my dreams to follow him around for the next 10 years!
We do not have any children yet and are not married however these are both things we have been planning to do in the next couple of years.

I don't really know anything about being an officers wife/partner or the ins and outs of how much time they are away etc, I don't know anyone who's been with a service man and would love some advice!

Any tips and info on how to deal with everything would be really appreciated.

Thank you

Hayley x

ps seen a lot of people say DH on this site - what is a DH?

Hi there, DH is Dear husband, or DP - dear partner.

not really sure how to answer your questions without giving you a bias view either side lol. You won't nec have to stop your dreams, however you may have to adapt them to suit the life style. It can be lonely, it can be hard, but likewise it can be rewarding of it's own accord, and quite enjoyable.

do you know of his intentions after sandhurst - (not too sure how it works there - I believe they get chosen for the regt/corps etc during their time there) for example an infantry officer (assuming it works the same as the junior ranks wouldn't nec move about much - thus meaning that you would be able to settle & carve a good career for yourself in the area, an officer in another corps may be required to move about every 3 years or so - again making it harder in some ways to carve a career of sorts - I personally chose a career which meant I could follow XH's career and find work relatively easy for myself.

other options would be I know of a RAF wife who's husband was based about a 2.5 hour drive away, he would commute home of a weekend, while she worked & was at home stable for the LO's growing up - they made it work brought a house early on So I think it depends on how you personally feel on doing things.

not sure that helps.

I can't tell you what to do, but I can give you some information about Sandhurst and beyond, if it helps. I was engaged to my husband before he went to Sandhurst and the year he spent there was hard. He didn't get much time off and when he did he was invariably tired! We could have got married before he went but we felt that the separation during his training would serve a "test" to see if we could survive Army life.

We got married after he got his commission and we've never looked back.

However, life is very busy for us. We spent a significant chunk of the eleven years since we married apart. Moves and postings were frequent for us, especially in the first six years. For the past five years, we've chosen to live apart and he commutes home when he can (currently once every two to three weeks for a three-day weekend). We came to that decision because we had children and felt that we wanted a bit of stability. It suits us, but it might not suit everyone else.

I've enjoyed army life and we're very happy.

I'll be happy to answer any questions you might have.

Hiya thank you both for your reply's!

Im not sure theres anything specific that I want to know - just as much info about what the lifestyle is like I guess.

I am interested to know during and after sandhurst how much time an officer is actually away - or does it depend on the regiment that he joins after?

Is it impossible to make plans, holidays etc?

Also how often do officers have to move around? and how much notice do you get?

I really don't no anything at this stage so all info is good :

I think you ladies that cope with families and even without are amazing. Im used to spending a lot of time with my partner and am just not sure im strong enough to lead what I can see as quite a lonely and totally selfless life. Saying goodbye must break your hearts over and over again and I cant even begin to imagine the worry when they are on tour!

Its nice to be able to share my fears and questions with people who know what its like.

Thanks again

xx

Hayley - To answer a few questions if I can

I am interested to know during and after sandhurst how much time an officer is actually away - or does it depend on the regiment that he joins after? yes very much so - any idea what he plans to do it may help us answer your questions

Is it impossible to make plans, holidays etc? yes but you must be prepared to be flexible and make sure you have decent travel insurance incase plans change

Also how often do officers have to move around? and how much notice do you get? officially every 2 -3 years depending on who he is with but you could be in one area for 4-5 years - you shoul;d get 6 months notice to move - again officially but this can be shorter if a crash move

I really don't no anything at this stage so all info is good : ask away

I think you ladies that cope with families and even without are amazing. Im used to spending a lot of time with my partner and am just not sure im strong enough to lead what I can see as quite a lonely and totally selfless life. Saying goodbye must break your hearts over and over again and I cant even begin to imagine the worry when they are on tour! at least you understand there are issues from the start but yes it is hard for DH/DW when we are away

Its nice to be able to share my fears and questions with people who know what its like. that is why this is the most supportive section of MN

@mrs snaplegs: thank you :) Ok first thing im going to do when he comes in tonight is find out what his plans are after sandhurst and will let you know!

2-3 years isnt too bad i guess until we have children at school age then it would be harder.
Im a massage therapist so I guess I can take my work anywhere and start over -although I have been working towards opening my own treatment rooms so that would be out of the question once the moving starts :(

Housing wise: Do you ever have your own homes or do the Army choose where you have to live?

What are the main pro's and con's about being an army wife?

The regiment he joins will indeed affect how much time he is away. He should be sponsored by a particular cap badge if he has a place at RMAS but that is no guarantee that he will join that regiment or corps (my husband was sponsored by one cap badge and ended up in a completely different one). It is probably fair to say that there all cap badges are stretched at the moment and there are a lot of operational tours to be endured.

Technically, you will move on posting every two years but that can change with promotion courses/short tours etc. We had six postings and two op tours in our first five years of married life.

It can be difficult to plan into the future - we organised our wedding around one set of circumstances and found ourselves dealing with a completely different scenario so good insurance is vital!

We've never managed to be posted into the same area for longer than two years and given my husband's corps, we're unlikely ever to do so - doesn't meant that it isn't possible, though. I don't know anyone who has managed it so far. Notice for a move has varied from two weeks to eight months and a variety in between.

The Army will house you if you want to move but only if you're married. There is no provision made for couple who cohabit.

We've been in quarters (some nice, some hideous) and we currently own our own home. We wanted some stability while our children were small and we choose to stay near my family and my husband commutes as and when he can. So, it is possible to own your own house but there are advantages to living on/near camp as well.

I can't offer any advice regarding a career as I didn't have one (I didn't have a very portable job before we married) and I simply picked up work (paid and voluntary) wherever we were posted if I felt like it. There are rules regarding running a business from your quarter but I'm sure there are people who can give you more idea of the red tape involved.

I can't really give you the pros and cons of being an Army wife - I can only give you the pros and cons of being married to my husband and that might not hold true for your relationship. I've never really struggled with us being apart as I'm pretty independent and find it quite stifling when my husband is around all the time. There is really no "one size fits all" list when it comes to marrying someone in the Forces and what I consider a "pro" might very well be a "con" for you.

hi thank you for your message - was v helpful! He wants to join either the paras or the fusiliers after sandhurst.
Can anyone shed any light of the life in either of these/

Thank you ladies xx

I will try and get dh on here later as he is ex army and may be able to help.

My husband did an attachment (nine months) with the Fusiliers after commissioning and before his YO's course as a platoon commander. He loved it and even considered transferring across when that opportunity was offered to him. The Mess was friendly and the social life for a young subbie was good. He went on tour with them and had a ball. He found them to be an unstuffy regiment with a good "family" feel.

Just as an aside, how old is your partner? Although RMAS takes people up the age of 29, the older you are, the harder it can be to get into some regiments (especially the infantry) as they tend to be keener on the fresh-out-of-uni cadets. Partly this is down to promotion prospects - the Army likes COs to be within a certain age bracket and the older someone is on joining, the harder it is to reach promotion windows. That's not to say they don't take older cadets, simply that the regiments have to keep an eye on long-term promotion.

(This is according to my husband who used to be on the staff at Sandhurst.)

Hi I just wanted to say that I did not want to give up my career (a and e nurse) for anyone. So we decided that we would buy a house and I would stay settled in one place rather than move around with him. I know this doesn't work well for some people but it works for us. I am much happier as I have my career, friends and family around me and this make it much easier when he is away. My DS gets to see his extended family and will not have to move schools every few years.

Although I miss him during the week it is also nice to come home after a long day of talking non-stop to not have to speak when I get in and just have a long bath and a glass of wine LOL (DS in bed when I get home from long day and work 2 nights) plus I get to have my female friends round and not have to worry about the DH LOL.
I think there are good points and bad points to either following him or you staying put and he comes home when he can. I am an independent person so it works well for us and him as he can work late and not have to worry about me waiting at home. I think if he doesn't follow his dream then he may resent you in later life. Let him go for it and see how you go. If your relationship is strong it will last and you will find you cope a lot better than you think when he is away.

We have done the same, we settled in one place and DH moved about and came home as much as he could. Now he is getting out after 22 years, we don't have to move, change schools, lose touch with friends etc, its just his job that is changing. There are pros and cons for both, but settling in your own home, making your own life with career etc, is definitely an option.

We've done a mixture of sea time, (not able to go with him, so had own home), weekending (not wanting to move so had own home and career), and 6 weeking (as weekending, but from Brussels to Cornwall for 2 years), then I chucked in the job, took ds out of prep, let the house and moved.

Both work.