Fed up.

[BiscuitEmoticon]

Hello, I'm not new here, but I change names a lot. My dh is a full time reserve who gets deployed for over 4 months a year, sometimes just a week, sometimes 9 weeks. I know this doesn't sound bad to many, I get little sympathy for his short trips, but the disruption to family life and plans is really hard. Some trips are planned, some are last minute (the other week his boss turned up at our house on a Saturday evening at 8pm when we'd visitors staying, and took him off to work till 1am). I'm ok with this in principle, but the reality of all the coming and going is nightmarish.

We don't have any family locally. We have 3 primary school age kids (under 9). I'm studying part-time and need to find a job where I'm not relying on him at all (childcare-wise) - easier said than done in the field I need to work in.

He was away a week at the beginning of March, and he's away for a week now (I'm having a bad week!), and he'll be away a month or 2 May-Jul. I'm dreading it, just because I'm so sick of having to keep doing this. The short frequent trips are harder, because his head leaves home before he does, and doesn't come back till later, and with the uncertainty about flying times, we never really know when he's coming and going so need backup arrangements for days and days around it.

Don't know why I'm posting this really, just that I'm finding this week so very very hard (we'd argued before he left, and our phone's not working right so I've missed his 2 calls, he can't skype this time, and he's working long days so has only managed to email very short things 'cos wifi's not working right too, probably opmin problems too). I know some of you girls have the same and worse scenarios. Tired of being alone with the responsibility. Feeling like a whinger though.

I feel like I can't cope, but of course I'll have to. Just hard to enjoy life while he's away, and then I can't when he comes home either.

I'll be better with a job, I know, because I just don't get to talk to adults enough. Or anyone really, spending 4 days a week alone. But I can't see how I can manage it (we live in the sticks).

I guess I'm looking for some sympathy. Go easy on me, feeling very lost right now.

Sorry so long. I'm boring too!

Here is a hug for you. You sound like you are very fed up and I agree a job would make you feel better. I know this because it has been hard for me not working while DH is away and I am surrounded by family. I miss adult company that comes with work despite having plenty of friends.

I have hated when there has been days when I haven't been able to speak to DH over MSN. Made me feel really bloody miserable so no wonder you are having a crap week.
What kind of work are you looking for? Do you get a break when he comes home so you can have a rest and not be responsible for anyone/thing? What is the unit family support like? other wives like?
Hope you feel better about it all soon.

Thank you. He did phone tonight, but just for the kids really. Short trips involve long days rather than shifts (which he does on long trips) so he's done in anyway and not up for talking. Haven't really spoken to him for about 3 weeks, with one thing and another. Maybe next week :-).

I'm training as a solicitor so need to find work experience in legal environment. And that's not easy in the current climate, nor where we live. But I'll find something, I'm sure.

No, I don't get a break when he's home, though of course he's helpful then. He's always missed a night's sleep when he gets back, time differences, so it takes a week for him to get back to "normal"... I don't really want a break anymore, I just want a bit of normal, routine, not having to plan for him being away.

I'm not sure what you mean by unit family support. There's nothing formal, if that's what you mean. It's an odd unit, don't believe there's any other unit like it (so forgive me, don't want to say what it is) but basically there are only 3 people in his situation at this site (the others are located all over UK when they're not deployed), and they don't get posted (grateful for that) every couple of years (though we were moved here 6 years ago). We don't (can't) live on patch, but I do know a few other service wives who are a good support in that they get what it's like. At least he's not in a role that puts him in danger when he's away. I do have 2 wonderful, lovely friends with shift-working husbands, which has similar issues in some ways. I am lucky to have them.

Thanks for letting me have a vent. Sometimes I cope admirably! And I think I look to be doing ok to all except those closest friends, and I don't think dh sees it really, he just thinks I'm moaning. Maybe I am.

Onwards and upwards.
xx

Sounds like your DH unit won't necessarily have a welfare/family support set-up near you which is a shame. Glad you managed to speak to him even if it was brief.

Good luck on your solicitor training and I hope you find a place to take you on.
Hope you have a good Mothers Day. xx

Thank you HL - had a lovely day, and feeling a bit more positive again. His unit aren't RAF - they're all F-T reserves and employed by another public sector organisation, so from that point of view there's no such thing as welfare/family support and so we can't access it. It's a funny situation, which has its advantages - for all intents and purposes he looks RAF but he can give a month's notice and leave, for example.

Am kicking myself up the backside now to get on top of things at home again.
Cheers.

I feel your pain - single parenthood is damned hard - and that's effectively how you're having to live every time DH goes away. Are you anywhere near a bigger unit? Any service. If you're in a small unit, you'll be parented by a larger one somewhere nearby. Where does DH go to collect his kit and do his admin? If that's not too far away, try going there one day - they'll have a Hive, which is a bit like a community centre. They'll have parent groups attached to them and are always a good place to go for a cup of tea and sympathy! Failing that have you tried speaking to someone from SSAFA? Don't quote me on it but I'm pretty sure they have a support line... Chin up and feel better soon xx