Awful situation, please advise

[horriddilemma]

Have namechanged for this and will also be slightly vague for obvious reasons.

I have an awful dilemma on my hands and I'm extremely upset and worried about the whole thing. My DH is currently 'away' and is home on RnR for 1 week in mid April. His tour was unexpected and happened with fairly short notice as he was replacing someone else. We accepted that these things happen though and battled on.

I have had a fairly awful time since he left with a sudden and unexpected health scare (all ok now!) and a household emergency which was very stressful. So I can't wait to see him and we need some time together.

Some months back, before we even knew DH was going away, I agreed to be a bridesmaid for a friend. The wedding is, you've guessed it, mid-April. DH is due back the Thursday before the wedding, however it is a very high maintenance wedding and I am expected to be there on the Thursday before and have various tasks allotted to me on the Thursday night, Friday day and evening before we even get to the wedding.

All this would mean I couldn't see DH until very late Friday night at the earliest. He is coming to wedding but friend has already joked ( ) that we will hardly see each other that day and she has put us on different tables and although I've asked, doesn't want to change the seating plan.

I am also expected to be 'on duty' all day Sunday hosting relatives from overseas as there is a big lunch at her parent's house and she asked me to help transfer wedding gifts back to their home on the Monday as they will be on honeymoon. So basically 5 days of wedding duties and then DH leaves on the following Thursday so we would only have 2 days together.

There are 2 other bridesmaids but I am unofficially chief bridesmaid. I want to pull out as I just can't face this and she is showing no signs of wanting to understand my situation. I would still be there for her - I just want a scaled down role.

Help, what would you all advise?

I'd step out of it all, honestly.

You and your DH just need to build a bubble around yourselves and enjoy your R&R together.

You will completely resent the time spent caught up with the wedding, and I am totally gobsmacked about not sitting you both together, how could you even possibly justify that?

If you pull out now she'll have time to re-org her bridesmaids and dish out more crap jobs delegate duties.

Good luck.....think she is being very selfish and if a true friend would be delighted for you that he is coming back and suggesting herself that she re schedules some of your duties to someone else!!!!!! As she is obviously not going to do that I think you need to talk to the other bridesmaids and ask for help.....try and get best man to ferry presents seems like a best man sort of job.
I hope it all works out for you and you get to spend some well deserved time with your husband

There's something about becoming a bride that changes normally rational women into raving egomaniacs.
I feel for you and think you should do what's right for you and DH while being as available as possible.
I was once called upon to step in as chief bridesmaid when bride's BFF had a nervous crisis. The bride actually said that it made her realise what a cow she'd been to BFF and how precious their friendship was. They are still BFFs and are much more respectful of each other now, so honesty is probably the best policy.
Good luck and enjoy time with DH

If it were me, she is clearly being v.v.v.v.v.u. I'd have a word with mutual friends/her family, they will unserstand.

If she still acts all crazy and controlling, I'd setp back. Family, hubby and r&r every time.

She sounds nuts.

Hi there,

I am going to give my advice (which obviously you can choose to ignore ), from the Bride's side.

When I was arranging my wedding it was a massive thing for me. There are so many elements to organising it and it's so stressful that just one thing that doesn't go to plan can send you into turmoil, even when others do not see the issue.

My BF was my Matron-of-honour and about 3 months before the wedding, had announced that she was PG. Dresses had been fitted and paid for and I went into meltdown. With weddings there's generally so much going on that in my case, that one thing was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak.

Luckily my BF offered to find an alternative dress and pay for it herself as by the wedding she would be 6 months PG and definitely too big for the dress that we'd chosen. But I remember the stress and worry of the whole thing (especially when we picked her new dress up two days before the wedding and it still didn't fit properly...).

So, I would suggest that you take her out for an evening for a nice meal. Sit her down and talk through all of this (like you have with us), calmly and allow her take in everything that you are saying.

Don't do it over the phone or when she's busy. Take her away from it all for an evening. That is the only way that you will get her full attention and for her to try and understand what you're going through.

As far as she's concerned, at the moment her wedding is the most important day of her life. Don't underestimate how she feels about that. So do this carefully and sensitively (and armed with alternative suggestions for sorting it is always handy too - go forearmed with ideas!) and hopefully she will see your point of view.

Good luck!

xx

wow she sounds like a maniac!! i have never been to a wedding where the bridesmaid isnt drunk by 7!! your duties end after the meal and they dont need to start until the night beofre the wedding its not down to you to sort her relatives if anything its her parents problem!! my friend is a fab bridesmaid she has been a bridesmaid about 30 times and the last one she was drinking vodka during the photos...from a hipflask!!
if she wont accomodate your needs i would tell her to dtick her bridemaid dress where the sun doesnt shine!!!
enjoy your week with your husband!!!

Am I mean to wonder if there will be any presents to ferry....

I think some people use weddings as an excuse to be demanding. It is supposed to be a fun thing to organise and it is just one day as the marriage it forever.

What a difficult situation! Seeing your DH should come first imo. Yes it's her wedding, it's HUGE for her and it's (hopefully) a once in a lifetime thing but he's your DH, you've had a tough time while he's been gone and you need this week together. Especially as it's a 6 hour drive away and you'll be 'busy' for at least 3 of the 7 days he's home, I would firmly say to her that while you understand how important this is for her, you won't be able to do all the things she's asked as unfortunately you can't pick when your DH gets his week off. Ok he could well be delayed resulting in you being free on those days but that's just one of those things. As for her telling you not to spend too much time with him at the reception and not sitting you together wtf?? That in itself tells me that she's overdoing this just a little bit and being very, very demanding.
I really hope you manage to get this sorted and spend a lovely long week with your DH!

Maybe, I organised my wedding from sorting a date to walking up the aisle in six weeks flat, so it can be done and doesn't have to be stressful, and ours was a full medals, swords and uniform wedding.

I think you knew the answer to your dilemma when you posted it and these ladies have all justified your reasons for NOT putting this rather narcissistic sounding woman before your husband.

I do hope that you go with your gut, follow the advice of Teacher and Teacups and do not allow this woman to make you feel guilty about fulfilling your own marriage vows.

Perhaps when she stands at the altar she may have a glimpse of what marriage is really about (after the poncy wedding day) if she sees that you are at home with DH on his R & R rather than holding her sodding boquet.

I am not sure what happens to some women in the lead up to their wedding. It's almost consumes them. I had a quickie in Vegas and a fabulous honeymoon in Hawaii and whilst I know that's not to everyones taste it was wonderful, relaxed and romantic. My brothers wedding was a nightmare. SIL had absolutely decided what she wanted, how it all had to happen and what everyone was expected to do and wear. I am sure she spent most of the day stressing and I know big bro couldn't wait for the whole thing to be over. I get that it is a special day and of course most brides want to be centre of attention but surely it should also be a joyful occasion. I hope for both your sakes this is just you friend losing perspective as the panic gets the better of her ....good luck x