Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Forces sweethearts

If you have a family member in the Royal Navy, RAF or army, find support from other Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Awful situation, please advise

37 replies

horriddilemma · 14/03/2011 18:47

Have namechanged for this and will also be slightly vague for obvious reasons.

I have an awful dilemma on my hands and I'm extremely upset and worried about the whole thing. My DH is currently 'away' and is home on RnR for 1 week in mid April. His tour was unexpected and happened with fairly short notice as he was replacing someone else. We accepted that these things happen though and battled on.

I have had a fairly awful time since he left with a sudden and unexpected health scare (all ok now!) and a household emergency which was very stressful. So I can't wait to see him and we need some time together.

Some months back, before we even knew DH was going away, I agreed to be a bridesmaid for a friend. The wedding is, you've guessed it, mid-April. DH is due back the Thursday before the wedding, however it is a very high maintenance wedding and I am expected to be there on the Thursday before and have various tasks allotted to me on the Thursday night, Friday day and evening before we even get to the wedding.

All this would mean I couldn't see DH until very late Friday night at the earliest. He is coming to wedding but friend has already joked ( Hmm ) that we will hardly see each other that day and she has put us on different tables and although I've asked, doesn't want to change the seating plan. Sad

I am also expected to be 'on duty' all day Sunday hosting relatives from overseas as there is a big lunch at her parent's house and she asked me to help transfer wedding gifts back to their home on the Monday as they will be on honeymoon. So basically 5 days of wedding duties and then DH leaves on the following Thursday so we would only have 2 days together.

There are 2 other bridesmaids but I am unofficially chief bridesmaid. I want to pull out as I just can't face this and she is showing no signs of wanting to understand my situation. I would still be there for her - I just want a scaled down role.

Help, what would you all advise?

OP posts:
Grabaspoon · 14/03/2011 18:50

I would speak to the 2 other bridesmaids and see if they can help do any of the tasks and then speak to DF - RandR trumps wedding IME.

Original poster
horriddilemma · 14/03/2011 18:53

They have their own allotted tasks and I don't really know them very well. They are very excited about the wedding and all the plans and preparations as I would be under different circumstances.

OP posts:
loumiller · 14/03/2011 18:57

Hi My Advice... If she is really a friend she will understand that you need to spend time with your DH. But you need to speak to her seriously NOW so she has time to get someone else to step into the parts you can't commit to. Its very easy when you are getting married to forget everyone else's lives, but if she is a good friend she'll understand and if she isn't a good friend then you haven't lost anything by down grading your role.

If it was me getting married i'd step you out of everything apart from being there on the morning of the wedding to hold my hand...

scaryteacher · 14/03/2011 18:57

You can't assume that he will be home on time, as Crabair isn't always punctual! I would do as much as I could of the allocated tasks Thursday and some Friday, but refuse Friday night. After the Saturday, I would not go to the lunch on Sunday, and would arrange to shuffle presents after dh had gone back. Thus, you are offering a compromise, and won't have to pull out.

Your dh is more important, and if the bride to be can't see that then tough shit.

penguin73 · 14/03/2011 19:08

Have posted on your other thread, good luck!

FourFortyFour · 14/03/2011 19:11

SCARYTEACHER HAS a goo compromise.

FourFortyFour · 14/03/2011 19:11

good even Hmm.

GoldenBeagle · 14/03/2011 19:25

There is a whole month in which to get your duties delegated to other people. Do you know the other 2 bridesmaids? Id so, have a chat with them and see if you can sort out a plan B in which they take over the Fri eve duties. Also, talk with other family members of the bride and get someone else to host the relatived. It would be pretty outrageous if she held you to looking after her rellies rather than spending precious time with your DH.
Pack the presents up at the end of the wedding and take the with you then - or else get someone else to collect them on the Sunday or Monday. They don't need to go into her house immediately.

Tell her you are in a state, you have no idea when your DH will be home again, you have big things to sort between you and apart from anything else it isn't fair to him to spend 5 days of his leave on her wedding.

Original poster
horriddilemma · 14/03/2011 19:29

Thanks all. The trouble is the wedding is 6 hours drive from where we live so no point not doing Sunday but then staying up there / going back up to ferry presents. (It has to be Monday apparently as some of the o/s relatives are bringing the presents on the Sunday).

Apart from anything else it's not fair on DH to have his RnR dominated by this wedding 6 hours from home.

I like Lou's take on it, that's mine too. I think I will say that I will do Thursday, Friday and obviously Saturday as planned but that we will be going home on Sunday morning. If she's not happy with that then tough.

The other thing she said was that she didn't want me spending too much time with DH on the Saturday evening, and that I needed to remember it was her big day and not to detract from it. She has turned into a complete bridezilla hasn't she?

OP posts:
jcscot · 14/03/2011 19:40

She has indeed morphed into bridezilla if she thinks that you spending too much time with your husband at her reception will detract from her big day!

Happylander · 14/03/2011 19:44

Yes she has. I can not believe she has sat you at a different table to your husband and expects you to give up so much of your time for her wedding. Your DH is home on R and R and she should be able to see that you need to spend time with him. If she doesn't then IMO she is not much of a friend. If it was me I would have given your tasks to other people but then again all I expected of my bridemaids was to turn up, feed me a few glasses of wine and have a damn good time. I hope you get to spend sometime with your husband and enjoy the wedding.

Grabaspoon · 14/03/2011 19:47

I don't get why you can't spend time with your husband during the reception - how does it detract from her day?

spiralqueen · 14/03/2011 19:47

What does Bridezilla think that you should be doing on the Saturday evening? Perhaps she thinks she's going to be sitting on a throne with all her BMs sitting at her feet telling her how wonderful the day has been and how beautiful she is? Think you need to point out that her job on Saturday eve is to circulate amongst the guests thanking them for coming and her new DH should be with her for that not you.

Come to think of it, isn't it traditional for the BM to be getting off with the best man at the evening do? Just say you mistook your DH for the best man Grin

scaryteacher · 14/03/2011 20:03

Why can't her parents sort the presents? Your time with your dh is far more precious, especially if he is going back to somewhere hot and sandy and may get hurt.

FourFortyFour · 14/03/2011 20:10

Detract from her big day? How exactly? Is it because she wants you available in case her eye lash loses some mascara or a hair gets out of place?

Your husband has been to war and I'm afraid if it was me I would tell her to stuff the wedding.

vintageteacups · 14/03/2011 23:48

This may sound harsh but your friend sounds very inconsiderate; she's even put you on separate tables [WTF] Shock!!!

Do you know what? I would literally go on the saturday morning and be the bridesmaid and explain that as DH is on R & R ("I know as you're such a good friend, you'll understand") that you simply have to spend as much time with him as possible. Get off home on the Sunday asap and forget about the rest of it.

If she can't understand why you're upset/concerned, she's really not worth it. I wonder if she would do the same as you're planning to do if the shoe were on the other foot Hmm.

Life's too short - R & R wins everytime.

vintageteacups · 14/03/2011 23:50

"The other thing she said was that she didn't want me spending too much time with DH on the Saturday evening, and that I needed to remember it was her big day and not to detract from it."

Only just read this bit - I soooooo wouldn't be going at all if she had said that to me. She obviously isn't that good a friend.

amberleaf · 15/03/2011 00:00

Tell her NOW that you cant be her bridesmaid.

she sounds a nightmare tbh and your husband is more important than some bridezilla friend!

kickassangel · 15/03/2011 00:35

why is she getting married? because she understands the commitment and time needed to build a successful relationship, or because she wants a flashy day?

seriously, are people going to be taking notes on how long you spend with your dh & then pass judgement on her? or will they be getting drunk & making idiots of themselves on the dance floor?

(in both the above options, the answer is B)

mpsw · 15/03/2011 14:49

She's plenty of time to rearrange the "tasks" (WTF! I thought the only tasks were to help get ready on the morning, look after little bridesmaids during the set piece parts and the shag the best man (optional!))

I'd restrict availability to the time required for that, plus perhaps a last girls' night out on the eve, if you have any kind feelings left at all). I'd swallow being apart for the formal part of the reception if you are to be on the top table (ie up to end of the speeches), but would also think about suggesting another bridesmaid has this "honour" if you don't want it.

But what is likely to happen if the dear bride won't budge? Would you be prepared to bow out completely and take the consequences? (It'ud be bound to be a major hit on the friendship).

ACMDowding · 15/03/2011 14:56

How well do you know the groom or the brides parents? Personally, I'd have a subtle word with them, especially if your DH is somewhere hot and war zoney.

Just explain to them that DH is back for week, etc. well jsut what you've said to us.

solooovely · 15/03/2011 15:03

She is being so selfish!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is nothing else to be said.

aokay · 16/03/2011 14:17

primadona cow - you sound like a wonderful friend and great person all round - I would have told her to get stuffed! - think you've had brill advice but doubt you're keen on any of the wedding now - are you able to talk with your dh about this - what would he like to do? - sitting you separately is last straw but as she's been so vile - she's let you off the hook - I would say do absolutely what you feel happy with and nothing else - if that is nothing and or not going - good for you - how about contracting winter vomiting thing 2 days prior? Hope you've given her a horrible present and if not - go buy one now - will make you feel better for years to come!

fedupwithdeployment · 16/03/2011 14:31

Agree with everyone else, and think that Scarey's compromise sounds sensible.

Wtf does a bridesmaid need to get involved in the present shifting for? I would extract self from all that (and the sunday lunch) with no guilt.

I would also insist that she changes the seating.

Good luck!

solooovely · 16/03/2011 15:09

My post sounded a little dismissive, sorry about that, think I was in a dismissive mood. What I meant was that it is obvious she is being unfair to you, we all know it and you know it.

What are you going to do?