adjusting to being together again after he's back from tour - is it just me?

[fustyarse]

dh home on R & R just now - 5 days later than expected.

He's only back for 12 days and it seems the same every time -

1st day - great, everyone's happy good times

2nd day - things start niggling

3rd day - full on bickering and arguments

4th day - spent discussing ways to lve with each other again...

We have lived apart a lot over the last few years, and quite frankly I am FINE being on my own with the dcs, keeping things ticking over, getting into a routine that works for us, having the house how I want it etc...he comes back and starts rearranging shelves, cupboards, leaving stuff lying around for me to deal with, not helping with anything...

I always really look forward to him coming home, and I know he misses me and the dcs desperately, but we really struggle with this. By the time he has to go back out we'll be getting on fine, then it's all back to square one.

I'm not saying he is totally at fault -I know I could be more forgiving and tolerant, and essentially he's not really doing anything so terrible - I'm just sick of the petty squabbles.

anyone else? Is it just us? How do I deal with this?

Breathe deeply is my advice. Had the same when dh used to be on submarines...and when we weekended a lot. If he's not home for long then live with it until he goes, and deal with it properly when he is home for a good while.

It's just him trying to fit in with you again as much as anything else, and trying to be part of the family..he's been in a different environment and it's difficult to make the change I think for him, and for you, as you now have to consider another adult as well.

that's it,scary, I'm so aware of the environment he's been living in and how serious it all is - I want him tocome back and relax, not fuss about what goes where and tellme I should be doing things differently (esp wrt the dcs!)

Am trying to keep breathing but he's often overbearing and I just find it hard. Hate feeling like I can't wait for him to go again (and I know this feeling will pass and I'll be blubbing next week when he goes again)

It's like he's trying to re-establish his authority - I don't want his authority, I'm not his subordinate- I just want it to be peaceful

He is also aware that he has to go back and so isn't completely in the family zone iyswim. His head is half with you and half there, especially as the R&R is so brief. I saw my db briefly when he was back from Bastion for his R&R, and he was very much an RN Officer rather than himself. Now he's back, he's normal again.

I've spent the last 4 years actually living with dh as we are posted abroad, and it's fab. It's like we have a normal relationship, as opposed to home from sea/weekending. It took 20 years before I lived with him for more than 2 years, so it can be done, but it takes time.

Dh once criticised something I'd done when he was at sea and uncontactable as was the norm for submarines. I said next time he could sort it out himself if it happened again whilst he was away, and he said, 'but I can't'... 'Precisely' was my response. They have to learn that we deal with things our way, and they have to put up and shut up if they want our support for what they do.

I love that - 'they have to out up and shut up if theywant our support..'

sums it up really!

things slightly better today, he's relaxing more but so aware he has only a week till he's off again

after this touor he has a lot of leave totake and will essentially be home for 2 1/2 months, god help me

then back to weekending,so I get my evenings back!

Me too, but I try to remember that, as we get on with things, ie running the family,house, expenses, DIY, car etc etc that when they come home they don't feel like they are in their own home. They don't want us braying in tears on the phone about broken light bulbs when they are away, but they don't want us up a step ladder when they get back if you see what I mean.

I think we get so efficient with our lives that we don't NEED them, we WANT them, but it is tentative when they come back, you don't want to smother them so you walk on egg shells and then it all gets tense.

They don't feel needed, and men, unfortunately need to feel needed. So, after a little break and some nice gently planned activities, I do get my husband to do a few things and let him know how grateful I am to have him back....

But it is never easy.

We have a love/hate thing with R&R in our house. What you are experiencing is completely normal if you ask me.

Dh never switches off when he's on r&r, there is always a part of him that is still on tour and he happily admits that. As hard as it is, I understand that he can't let his guard down, he can't relax 100% because he has to go back an environment where it's taken weeks/months to adjust.

We have considered that next time he doesn't come home, but that we meet up somewhere so we're both on neutral ground.

Make sure you give him plenty of space, allow him to readjust to his surroundings alone, make himself a cuppa and chill out. I'll never forget my dh having the grumps for 24 hours because he couldn't remember if I had sugar in tea The weirdest things go through their heads sometimes!

Exactly the same for us OP. We are weekending currently and as it's a course, he's now leaving on a sunday night rather than a monday morning to make sure he gets there for lectures on monday mornings.

Basically, our weekend is knackered on a friday night/doesn't want to chat, saturday okay as long as we don't annoy him and he's trying to re-establish himself as the dad of the family so undermining my child rearing decisions etc and then on a sun, lies in bed for as long as poss so he doesn't have to face the fact it's monday tomorrow and is grumpy most of the day.

It's pretty much the same when he's on R & R or when he gets back from op tour. Lovely to begin with then gradually gets lazy and arsy. He wants to be the man of the house but without responsibilty for telling off the kids as he doesn't want them to think he's only come back to tell them off! and so it continues.

Usually, they get a chat on the way back on the plane at the end of the tour or a decompression time in Cyprus etc to allow them to get back to normal. I don't reckon it works!

Perhaps decide in your head what is and isn't important and go by that. Put little niggles to the back of your mind but deal with bigger issues as they arise but try to be assertive so he knows you mean business without the risk of arguing.

In the past, we've found it easier when R & R is taken after the half way mark (if possible) rather than exactly half way. This meant that DH wasn't so upset about going back for the same length of time as before and it was easier to count down the weeks for the kids when there was only a couple of months to go.

Hi
Your situation sounds perfectly normal to me, the few days before tours, R&R , and homecoming are all much much more difficult for us than the tour & seperation itself.

We had spent about 6 years with numerous tours, exersizes, battlefield tours etc etc. Ended up married unaccompanied as unable to recognise dh Then earlier this year dh got a great posting and has been home with us every night, every weekend. I really didn't think it could work, but it does and all the seperation seems like it never really happened. I really hope the rest of R&R is enjoyable for all of you, it will be better soon.

thanks for allthe messages....as I predicted things got better and now he's away again tomorrow - only for a couple more months and then he's back for about 10 weeks straight

gulp

its not ideal, this life, is it? I'mjust used to him being around and he's off again. However, I am genuinely looking forward to quiet evenings watching guff on the telly without him commenting...

it's harder for him, I know that. He misses the dcs terribly and does that thing of being Mr Fun Dad while he's back, so they think he's the best - and I'm Big Bad Mummy. Huh. Never mind, soon I will have full control of my domain again...