Very fussy eater, grateful for any advice!

[bonnymiffy]

Hi there,
I'm new to being a Step-mum, and my SS is 8. He is a lovely, lively boy, but we have battles at meal times. He doesn't eat! Anything! If he likes it today, he won't tomorrow, and he's just decided he wants to be vegetarian (DH and I are not)(but he doesn't like vegetables! although I know veggies don't only eat veg). He's with us 2-3 nights a week and we don't really know much about what happens with his mother and 20yr old (half) brother - but think she has the same issue. We've tried a couple of tactics which work a couple of times - I just don't understand anyone who can pass up food even if they are hungry... any ideas??

Don't want to get too cod-psychological but they do say food and mealtimes are often used by kids as a means of control and a way of flexing power - not necessarily in any horrible way but just enjoying the big effect that such a small action (refusing to eat, changing your mind, etc) can have.

I have three tactics to offer... I'm not saying I have the answer but they worked for me!

1. You don't say whether he is eating separately or you are eating as a family. If it's the former, try having meals together if you can. Eating on your own can be boring and feel like a chore - eating with other people is much more fun and he will feel involved in an event.

1. When you shop for the ingredients, take him along and get him to help make some of the choices. Let him help with the preparation/cooking of the food, and be involved with the seasoning/tasting of it. Even if it's just setting the timer on the microwave and setting the table!

1. Talk about how his refusal to eat is worrying you. Tell him it's upsetting for you to make the effort of cooking a meal only to have it refused. Once its established that the situation is problematic, get him to help solve it. Ask him exactly what he would like to eat and prepare exactly that. If he doesn't eat it, tell him there will be nothing else to eat and then stick to that. If he's absolutely starving later, do make him a sandwich but nothing elaborate. The point is to make it clear that you discussed the problem, upheld your side of the bargain by asking him what he wanted, made his meal and then he refused, knowing that that would upset you. I think kids have a very strong sense of justice and he will hopefully see that he is being unfair and this is not just a game. You are not punishing him for not liking his dinner, then, but for not acting fairly. If you see what I mean...

feed him his own droppings it will do him good. Thats what I do every day.

when you say droppings I assume you don't mean poo.......

It isn't about food-it is about control and it is getting him a lot of attention.
Take all emotion out of it. Serve up a meal, put things in bowls to help himself (i.e. give him some control). If he doesn't eat it just let him get down without comment. DO NOT give snacks. Do the same at the next meal. Don't discuss it in anyway. If he says he is hungry just look mildly surprised and say, without emotion, 'well you would be, you didn't eat your dinner'.
He will not starve. Just explain that you plan, shop, cook and serve the meals and clear away-it is up to him whether he eats them-if he wants to help in any of the above he can.

A few ideas to try that I've done with my fussy eater.

One is just to serve a family meal and if he doesn't eat it, he goes hungry till tomorrow. Sounds mean but if he's using it as control, there's no battle to be had. Can't do this if he's underweight, but if he isn't - he's OK.

The other is put out some easy stuff - chopped cheese, bread, fruit, crudites etc and let him pick something from each food group without commenting on what or how much. My son was soooo fussy for ages until I worked out that the few things he did eat were incredibly healthy - salmon, humous and cheese, pasta and rice, a few fruits and veg - enough to have some variety. Over time I just started putting food on the table and he leaves what he doesn't like.

Ask him to plan a menu - we played at restaurants and put candles on the table and he wrote out the menu with drinks choices etc and got to dress up if he wanted to. It's not as much a fuss of this as it sounds and if he's helped choose or cook the meal, he might eat it. You could let him pick a meal at least once a week, and even if it's always tinned spaghetti, make out it's a delicious choice and all eat it happily together so he associates food with happiness.

rewards/charts? Better to have a chocolate at the end of a meal than no meal and no choc. We used mild bribery a lot and it did take the battles away.

I know the best thing is not to make a fuss. Easier said than done - I never managed it!

Good luck with being a step mum.

Thanks for your advice folks, I like the sound of the restaurant and involving him in meal planning, he would almost certainly go for that. I was never under any illusion that it would be easy...