Death by damn near everything - recipes you've done that should have had a health warning!

[snigger]

I've just come awfully close to recreating mustard gas in a domestic setting.

A word to the wise - unless you have an extractor of industrial proportions, or live in a wind tunnel, don't contemplate the creation of blackened pork on a griddle pan.

I have seared mine and my family's lungs, the cat looks distinctly unimpressed, and there's still a pall of choking spice fog in unexpected pockets around the house. My sinuses feel alive.

While DH coughs up his other lung, could you comfort me with similar tales? Don't make me laugh though, it hurts.

My mum almost burnt the kitchen down boiling eggs on xmas eve, one year.

My sister and I had a similar incident involving sausages, while trying to cure our hangover. The sausages set alight under the grill. The flames were licking over the top of the oven. We weren't sure how to put it out due to our drunken hungover fuzziness. We just knew that we could not throw water at it, owing to it being both electrical and a fat fire.

While we deciding what should be done, the kitchen was filling with smoke. One of us had the bright idea of opening the backdoor to let out the smoke. It was a very windy day

i once gassed some mussels for 15 mins in an un-lit gas oven... was so desperate to feed my dinner party guests i put them back in the (now lit) oven hoping it wouldn't matter - and the oven dish broke. by this point we were so hungry i scraped them off the bottom of the oven and recooked them for another 20 mins so we wouldn't get food poisoning - they completely dissolved into nothing so we had to make do with bread and lettuce. the oven dish was actually jamie oliver's (long story - i mean actually his, not from a range he designed) and i had to go out and source an identical one the next day so he wouldn't find out...

I was 19 and my mum was working late so I decided to make her egg and chips for coming home.

I lit our then old fashioned ancient chip pan and waited for the fat to dissolve.

I then decided in my 19 year old scattiness to nip upstairs and wash my hair. After which I put hair curlers in (it was a long time ago, pre tongs)

Suddenly smelt smoke and legged it to the kitchen to find it full of thick black smoke.

I stupidly lifted the pan put it in the sink and was amazed at the whoosh when I turned the tap on

To whichever god was watching over me that night, thank you. I survived, which is more than our curtains did or the wooden draining board or great quantities of my hair which the melted curlers took care of.

Mum wasn't impressed needless to say

Mmm, I blended mash once because it was lumpy and it ended up liquid, couple that with sausages (burnt on the outside and raw inside) and that was probably the worst meal I ever cooked. (in my defence we had a "temporary" kitchen at the time while the house was being renovated.)

Gassed mussels and fish crumble..... mmmmm....

My son blew up two microwaves in a week by doing porridge with no milk...both times!

I've exploded a syrup sponge that you boil in the tin

Exploded boiled eggs numerous times!

This isnt a recipe as such but a few years ago I had to buy a new microwave after trying to defrost a mouse for our pet snake to eat and it exploded inside.

Twas messy!

I managed to completely kill the nicest poshest microwave we had ever owned

I loved it, it was shiny siler and a combination one really high powered (I like shiny things )

I was going to cook rice in it

on high for 10 mins

I had it sitting in the microwave beofre it needed to go on

then I need to microwave something else for a few mins

took out rice, out it on top of microwave(you can see where this is going cant you)

microwved the other thing

all fine
time comes to out rice on, I switch microwave on for 10 min on high (this is 1000 watt microwave)

hmm rice bowl was still sitting on top

didn't find this out till I came back to a RED hot microwave that had literally cooked itself

I was gutted

Who was the mumsnetter who made a pot of tea, sniffed the spout to see if the tea was brewed , and snorted boiling tea up her nose and burnt the inside of her nose and throat.

That always makes me laugh (sorry whoeveer you are!).

I never knew that you shouldn't try to blend boiling liquid. I made bbrocollu and stilton soup, shoved it in the blender and turned it one. It blew the lid off and the soup was vomited all over the kitchen wall and window. DD laughed her head off.

My uncle made lead weights for fishing on top of the stove when I was about 5 (he would have been about 13). He got a spoonful of cold water, said 'watch this', and dropped it into the vat of boiling lead. It all exploded covering the cooker, my face, the wall and the ceiling, and melted portions of the polystyrene tiles on the ceiling. I still have small spatter shaped scars on the forehead to this day!

It is amazing how far a blender full of chicken liver pate can spread itself, even if you've only been daft enough to leave the middle bit of the blender lid off, not the whole thing.

And , d'you know, you can't put a glass casserole dish on a hob and expect it not to explode into a million pieces all over your kitchen? I seriously contemplated trying to extract the shards of glass and serve the damn casserole anyway, given that we were very poor at the time, but managed to restrain myself.

I made one of theseonce and ended up in A&E!!!!!!!!!!!

Dh is very fond of buffalo wings, which are just fried chicken wings doused with a sauce made of a cup of melted butter, a whole bottle of Tabasco and a half-bottle of Franks Red Hot sauce, otherwise known to me as bottled fire. I had a bunch of the sauce left over and thought "hmmm...I bet this would be good baked on chicken breast.". Laid the chicken in a dish, poured the sauce over and stuck it in the oven. When time came to take the dish out, I opened the oven door with my face close to the door anticipating a delicious aroma. What I got was a cloud full over habanero and vinegar steam at 400F smack in the face. I literally fell over backwards, hit the floor and curled into the fetal position. I thought my eyeballs were being dissolved. Dh walked into the kitchen and said "I don't think you should have baked buffalo sauce". Thank you, Captain Obvious.

At my first thanksgiving out of my mother's house, I invited my family over for the big meal. I got an enormous turkey to accomodate the crowd, it weighed around 25lbs. I wedged it in the roasting tin and slid it in the oven. But it didn't want to go; figuring it was hard to move across the oven rack because of it's weight, I shoved it really hard and in it went. My mother arrives shortly after the turkey goes in. An hour later she starts sniffing suspiciously. It does smell odd...mom opens the oven door and wrenches the turkey out, and starts laughing hysterically.

I had forgotten to lower the oven rack and had wedged the turkey directly onto the electric element. The element had slowly burned through the skin and meat, and then melted a hole right through the backbone. I ended up setting a turkey on the table with a charred hole burned through it's breast and sharp, melted ends of the backbone sticking out of the hole.

My mom has never let me forget that turkey.